Haven’t been writing,… Haven’t been well,….

bipolar image

Well, as you all know I haven’t been writing on here for quite some time. Over the past year I’ve had people commenting on that. I usually don’t know what to say. So I figure I’m just going to be brutally honest and get it out in the open. I haven’t been, err,… well,….

As some of you know and a lot of you don’t, I have suffered with mental illness all of my adult life. Depression mostly although I was diagnosed as Bipolar a few years back as well but for some reason Doctors don’t all agree on that one. I’m not a doctor so I don’t know what the final diagnosis is. What I do know is that the past year and a half have been a brutal one for me.

Pretty much since I lost my house in the spring of 2009. Moving to St. Thomas was suppose to be cheaper and an easier lifestyle for me. Instead I got sick. Since then I have been pretty depressed. A lot has happened in my family since then and I totally closed down. I isolated myself from society. So if you think I’m ignoring you,… I’m not. I just haven’t had the ability to get back on my feet and back into a ‘normal’ lifestyle once again. But I’m working on it. Since I don’t talk with many people anymore I do make the effort to (cheerily I hope) stay in your lives through Facebook and Twitter. These forums are perfect for depressed (anti-social) people. No commitment. Just a line here and there to let you know I’m still alive but I don’t have to go through the difficulty (and I know you won’t understand that being with, and talking to people is difficult for me right now – but it is) of involving myself. Life is painful right now. I miss Michelle and Hayley terribly. They now live a 3 hour drive away so I rarely see them anymore. That has been hard. My Mom is quite sick and I hate to admit it but I don’t think she’ll get better. I’m 2 hours away from her so don’t see her either even though I am aware that time is slipping by. I want so badly to be near her – but I can’t. Neither of my brothers will talk to me. They don’t want anything to do with me.

On top of all this, I got sick. I can’t (and won’t even try) to explain Depression/Bipolar except to say its horrible. It controls your life. Your lows are LOW and dark. I hide from the world and can’t see beyond my apartment walls. My highs are manic. Making wrong decisions that seemed totally normal and right at the time but turn out to be destructive and I don’t see that until it’s too late. In short,… I’m a mess. Not to mention that I’m just plain embarrassed. The stigma of mental illness is still alive and strong. I feel weak even admitting I suffer from it.

My doctors and I are working on getting me better though. But so far, we haven’t quite found that magical ‘cocktail’ of medication that makes me well enough to live normally. I was on one that made me so stoned I think I spent all last year in bed. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. Since we stopped that one I am at least awake enough to see that I was really, really drugged for so long I pretty much lost that year of my life. Now I’m on a different one that doesn’t effect me so much physically but on the other hand, isn’t doing a whole lot to help the illness. I’ve plummet to a pretty serious depression which I can’t seem to get out of right now. I get very frustrated that I can’t find that happy medium. I miss my life. And I want it back. I miss all the things that used to make me so happy and fulfilled. My children,… Working,… (I really miss working!!), My family,…. My friends,…. (and that includes all my friends in Britain that I faithfully wrote to once a month – really miss them). I miss it all. A lot.

But right now, I’m not functioning. I’m struggling everyday just to get through it. So please, I know your all thinking ‘not so great’ things about me at the moment wondering why I never call or write, but that’s because just now – I can’t. I want to but I just don’t have what it takes to accomplish that. I do enjoy following you all on Facebook and Twitter though. That helps.

So, I guess I’m asking you all not to give up on me just yet. I still want you all as friends!!!!!!! But in the meantime, Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers and hopefully I will be back to the ‘land of the good living’ soon.

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