The dreaded Holidays

My sleeping is so messed up right now. I was up until 5:00 this morning. When I did finally get to bed I slept for 16 hours! Which means I didn’t wake up until 9:00pm tonight. This of course means I won’t be going to bed at all tonight.  Sooooo messed up. I’m still struggling with feeling completely doped up when I am awake as well. It’s quite disheartening really. It’s certainly no way to live a life.

I’ve stopped going to my hospital program. For a few reasons really. One,… I just can’t stay awake. Two,… I’m too stoned to drive,….And Three,… I can’t afford the gas & the $7.00 a day parking,….   I know my Doctor said he would admit me into hospital if I didn’t go but so far he hasn’t said a thing. Besides, here in Canada they can’t legally admit a person to a psychiatric hospital unless they pose a threat to themselves or others so I know he can’t even if he wants to. Yes, I know it might actually be a good thing for me but as stated numerous times before I don’t have anyone to look after things for me so I just can’t be away from here for weeks at a time.  (Cat, bills, depositing cheques, etc,…) so that option just isn’t feasible.

So instead it’s back to where I was really. Going back to the way I was for the past two or so years on this drug. Drugged. Doped up. Sleeping my life away. I’m just so disappointed.

On top of this,… we are now heading into the bad time of year that I always seem to struggle with. Anniversary dates,… Christmas,…. A time that I wish I could just avoid altogether. Go to bed and wake up in January!! But, that’s not going to happen. I’m going to have to deal with it.

November 29th. The birthday of the twins. They would have been 21 this year. Instead they died shortly after birth. Leaving us to arrange a funeral just a few weeks before Christmas. It was a horrible time that I will never forget. It’s a date on the calendar that I dread. It’s now less than 2 weeks away. I don’t mark it by going to their grave anymore. They are buried in Brampton. So it just kind of passes with nothing at all now. Sad.

Then theres Christmas. With Mom selling the family home and going into a retirement home I just realized that now I will have nowhere to go this Christmas with Michelle and Hayley. Usually the week before I pick them up and we have an early Christmas at Moms. (That way the girls can be with their Dad on the actual day and Mom goes to Glens) But this year there will be no place to take the girls. Three and half hours one way is a long drive just to see them for a couple of hours in the afternoon – at a shopping mall or Tim Hortons or where ever we can go. Plus, my car isn’t up to highway driving right now. I took it in for an oil change 7 months ago and they gave me 3 or 4 things that needed doing but I said no because I didn’t have the money. Now, 7 months later, I can’t even afford to bring it back  in for an oil change let alone all the extra stuff needed doing. So, I pretty much have it off the road now unless it’s for something important – and in town. The cost of gas has become an issue too. (Hell the cost of everything has become an issue right now.) So it looks like I won’t be back out to see anyone (Tottenham, Barrie or anywhere) until the spring. It’s left me feeling really down knowing I won’t be seeing the girls this holiday season. When they were taken away from me and I didn’t see them for 3 years I spent a lot of holidays on my own. They were really hard. And now, this year, It looks like that will be the case again. Spending Christmas alone is sad. Usually I try to sleep in as long as I can on purpose just to waste part of the day away. Sitting alone knowing that almost everyone else is with family and friends laughing and carrying on and enjoying everybodies company is quite sad. I often take a walk but it’s always so quiet outside. No one is about. Hardly any cars on the road. Everything is closed. Theres an air of emptiness about it. Very lonely. And turning on the TV or radio just rams down your throat Christmas, Christmas, Christmas,….. There really isn’t any way to escape what day it is, and that your alone. I’m always quite thankful when it’s all over with. New Years I don’t mind being alone. I’m not a drinker so don’t care for parties, etc,… That holiday is much easier to bare.

And in all that is what would have been my 25th wedding anniversary if I was still married. December 28th. I don’t miss Jeff. I don’t love him anymore at all. (although over the years the anger has gone and I do respect him as a good man and great father) But it does bring home everything I have lost. I miss being a part of a family. Living with people you see everyday. The camaraderie of everyday life. living alone is well,… lonely,… and I miss the companionship of others sometimes. I’ve lived alone for 7 years now (although Michelle lived with me for 2008) and it’s gotten to the point where I am used to being alone. I suspect I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve resolved myself to that. But it doesn’t mean I still don’t miss being a family. Especially having Michelle and Hayley living with me and seeing them everyday. I miss that a lot. I get upset with people who take advantage of having all that but complain about it. I guess the grass is always greener,….

Anyway, I have decided to give Christmas a miss altogether this year. I am struggling financially just to have the basics and have nothing left over for gifts, etc,… Christmas has become a huge stress for me. Each year I put gifts on credit card (I never did a lot – but a bit) and this year I don’t have that option. So maybe it’s a good thing I’m not able to travel and see my family. I would feel awfully embarrassed seeing them with no presents to offer. I know people always say not to worry and just bring yourself  but,… I do worry about it,… it’s humiliating,…. So deciding not to have that burden of Christmas shopping will be a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I don’t know how the girls will take it but they will just have to understand. I know they will be disappointed we won’t get to see each other but they have so much else to do. Their Dad, Grandparents, cousins,…. I’m sure they will have a wonderful time regardless.

So yeah,… this is a bad time of year for me. I just hope that everyone I love will understand why I can’t be there with them. I’m sure they will. And I will just have to tell myself that next year will be a lot better.

~ sigh ~  Roll on 2011,….. Lets just get the next couple of months done and over with,…..

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