It wasn’t about the computer

Yes, Jen, (Thanks for the comment by the way) you are right. My anger and frustration really isn’t about my computer being broken. It’s about my life in general and how everything seems to be going wrong. I am most definitely fed up and frustrated with it all. And on top of it all, my depression has gotten worse instead of better over the past few months. I’m really quite sick again. I have to ask myself  “why me?”. Why did I have to be born with the ‘mental illness gene’ while others are born to live happy joyful lives.

I think that whenever someone is born, God puts a brilliant light inside of them. It gives them strength and Joy. The bigger the light, the better that person is. But I think that when I was born, God forgot to give me this special light. So I never truly feel happiness or joy. It’s a heavy burden to me as I know it makes me different. And throughout my whole life I have been searching for my missing light. I never found it. I only felt true joy on the days that I gave birth to all of my babies. But even they were eventually taken from me. Maybe I just don’t deserve children. Maybe people born without “the light” are bad people who just don’t deserve to be happy. I get sad when I think about that. All I ever wanted in life was to be “normal”. To have a happy, healthy and productive life. Why didn’t God let me be like that? Why didn’t he give me that light????

Instead, I’ve had to live with  “The Black Fog”.  That’s what I have always called this dark depression of mine.   “The Black Fog”.   It’s almost always there lingering inside of me. Around me. Someday’s it’s thicker and darker than other days, but it’s always there to some degree. Always there. It robs me of ever being normal and happy and leading a joyful life. It’s exhausting. It’s like a terminal punishment.

This week  has been one of the darker times I’ve had in a while. I desperately need to get some stuff done around the apartment. It needs a good clean and tidy not to mention a load or two of  laundry. But I’m so depressed I can’t even get up off the couch. In the end, nothing is getting done at all. The past 3 or 4 days I have spent about 70% of my time sleeping. That ever-present “drugged to the hilt”  feeling has kept me from doing anything but sleep or sit on the couch watching TV. I have no interest in anything. The feeling of sadness and loneliness is overwhelming. I am completely paralyzed right now. I have also started bingeing which I haven’t done in a long time (hard to when your food is limited coming from the food bank) and last night I did something I haven’t done in over a year. I cut. Not much,… but enough to show me that I’m feeling so much pain and stress right now I don’t know how to cope with it all. But, I did stop right away. And instead of making me feel better like it used to,… It just made me feel worse. I won’t be doing that again for a while. And I had enough sense to call my Doctor and let him know. So I made an appt to see him next week. He didn’t seem overly concerned for some reason (scared the hell out of me) but I’m sure he’ll want to talk about it when he sees me.

So as you can see,… things aren’t really that great right now. I think the devastation of realizing I don’t have and never will have the money to move closer to Michelle and Hayley in April as I had planned  really hit me hard. I kept telling myself if I can just hold on until I move closer to the girls things will be so much better. I would be much happier having the two of them back in my life again. And once that happened, maybe I would start to get better mentally. But now that wish is gone. I am stuck here 300km away and probably will be for many years to come. I’m taking that hard.

And of course, I’m not dealing with the coming holiday season very well either. Reminders everywhere,…. Christmas,… Family,… Joy,… Friends,….. Sometimes I feel like throwing the damn TV out the window. I now have a small idea of what it must be like for all the non-Christians of the world. They must get sick of all the Christmas hoopla too. It’s everywhere – all the time – relentless. I’ll bet they can’t wait till January either!!!  I know I can’t. I wished I could just go to bed, close my eyes and not wake up until January 2nd 2011!

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