Another long and boring one,… might want to give this one a miss,… rambling!!

It’s 2:30 in the morning and I’m still awake. It’s wet and foggy outside right now. I know because I just came back from a walk and I’m soaked to the skin. All I want is a hot bath and cup of tea. Guess I’ll have to settle on just the tea.(I hate not having a bathtub!!)

I’m feeling really unsettled the past week. I have this feeling of just wanting to go home. And then I realize that I am home. It’s not a nice feeling. Today I felt so homesick I jumped in the car and drove to Barrie just to have lunch with Michelle. She had school all day but I managed to catch her walking home for lunch. She had no idea I was coming so it must have been a “meant to be” moment. It was really nice to see her again. Hayley is in Brampton all week as its March Break and there’s no school. So I haven’t seen her in two weeks now. Sometimes I miss the girls so bad it hurts. The whole point of moving here was to see them a lot more but that’s not happening. So I’m a little sad about that. I don’t blame the girls of course. They’re teenagers and have a whole life of their own. I was the same at their age. But it doesn’t stop me from missing them.

As you’ve probably already figured out I’m feeling really down right now. The stress of this whole apartment thing is just getting the better of me. I had all of my stuff unpacked already and now I’m in the process of packing it all back up again. But the past few days I just seem to have run out of steam and stopped. Now I have boxes and stuff everywhere and no desire to do anything about it. And anyone who knows me well knows this just isn’t like me. I swear I have a touch of OCD in me (yes that’s a joke) as I normally need things neat, tidy, organized,…. but right now this apartment is anything but. I can barely see the floor. And I really don’t care at this point.

And just as I knew it would eventually happen at some point the time has now come. I have run out of my 25 mg Seroquel that I was on. For those not in the know ,…. My doctor has prescribed me to take 800mg of Seroquel XR. I started this well over 2 years ago. But this is a STRONG drug and the amount I am prescribed is ludicrous. It knocks me out like an elephant tranquilizer. I take my dose and then I sleep for up to 18 – 20 hours at a time. So basically, I have just lost the last two years of my life because I have been drugged to the hilt and unable to function. Hell, I’ve been unable to stay awake!! Then at the end of last year I decided to wean myself down without the doctor knowing. Because of my financial situation (and no drug plan for these very expensive drugs) he has been nice enough to get them for me free by getting free samples from the drug rep. Mostly I was given 400mg pills and I would take 2 of those a day. But when I decided to wean myself down without him knowing (He just refused to listen to me that this high dosage was robbing me of my life,…) I would take only one. And then a half of one,… and then I asked if he could get smaller dosage pills as I lied and said I couldnt’ swallow those large ones. So the past three times he has given me the 25mg pills and I was to take 32 a day. Now doesn’t that sound just ridiculous?? 32!!!! Of course by this time I had weaned myself down to such a small amount I was taking only 2 a day. (50mg) and this seemed to be a much better dosage for me. I suddenly “woke up” and realized that there was a life going on outside my four walls and I was missing out on it entirely. 2 years! wasted because I was completely stoned into a drug-induced stupor.

Anyway,…. to make a long story short (or at least short’er’) I just ran out of the 25 mg pills and only have 400mg left now. I took one on the weekend and I slept for – you guessed it – 18 hours!! So the next night I skipped it completely. And then again the following night.  But, and here’s where my ever-present dilemma comes in, now that I’ve been off of all medication for the past week I’m slipping back into a depression again. I can actually feel the life and soul draining out of me. I’m sad. I’m exhausted. I’m over-whelmed. I’m flat. I have no interest in doing a damn thing anymore. I sit on the couch looking at the complete kaos of this apartment and I could care less. I just don’t have the energy or the incentive to do anything about it.(and you should see this place- it really is a MESS)

This has been the dilemma I have fought with for a long time. Years of my adult life. When I’m off medication I plummet into a deep and dark depression. But when I’m on medication I am so stoned my life is like walking through molasses. I sleep ALL THE TIME. And what kind of life is that? I can’t work. I can’t socialize. I never see my children,… It’s absolutely no life at all.

Someone suggested that maybe it’s time to check into the hospital again. But whats the use in that. They’re just going to do what they always do and that’s force me take another shit-load of meds that will turn me back into a hibernating zombie. I’ve talked to my doctor about a smaller dose but he really does feel I need the high dose. Who am I to question him? I’m not a doctor. Maybe I really am that sick when I’m off them and I just can’t see it myself. The patient is always the last one to see just how sick they are/were. In fact I usually don’t see it until much later – like when I’m back on meds and not so depressed anymore. So whats the answer? I’ve been dealing with this issue for years.

This is why I wanted to get that referral to the Mary McGill Mental Health Centre here is Alliston. They would have taken me as a ‘new’ patient and spent a lot of time with me to re-evaluate my situation and then give me a more accurate diagnosis. As of now-no doctor has ever agreed to the same diagnose over the past 20 years so I just keep being told I have this, that and the other,…. But my family doctor in Newmarket refuses to give this referral and instead is insisting I go back to the psychiatrist in Newmarket that I went to for 2 years before I moved away to St. Thomas. Yes, the one who loves to keep me a drugged up – but not depressed – so I guess that’s ok then – doctor. I almost had an argument with her about this but she is adamant. So in my mind I’m thinking I need to find a new family doctor. But right now everything is so up in the air. I don’t even know what city I’ll be moving to yet so I can’t start looking for a new doctor until I know where I’ll be living.

I’m on the waiting list of about 5 different apartment buildings – all in Fergus as it really does seem to be so much cheaper there. But that is going to take a while as there’s no apartments available yet. The earliest would be the middle of may. So I continue to look in Orangeville to see if something comes up sooner than that. It’s quite unsettling all this waiting and not knowing when I’ll be moving or even where.

So between this apartment nightmare, My Mom, my own illness,….. I just feel over-whelmed like I have too much to cope with. So I think my mind is shutting down and I’m slipping back into that ‘flat’ state. I can feel it. There’s no mistaking the feeling of depression. (I have always referred to it as “My Black Fog”) and that Black fog has descended. I am turning ‘life-less’ once again.

So tonight I broke down and took 1 seroquel (the only dose I have – 400) which means I will go to bed after I finish writing this and I probably won’t wake up until dinner time tomorrow or even later. A whole day – wasted because I am too stoned to keep my eyes open. I just looked on the internet and it says you can’t break seroquel in half (??) I can’t see why not but that’s what it says. But if I sleep for another 18 hours I don’t care. I will be breaking them damn pills in half (and then maybe in half again if I can) I’m just so sick of this fight. Being medicated but sleep my life away or not being medicated and become severely depressed. Just – so – FRUSTRATING!

Ok, I know I have rambled on again but I did warn you this would be a boring one,…. I just needed to write it all out and get it off my chest.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Elizabeth Barnesco
    Mar 18, 2011 @ 14:09:47

    JACQUIE: I am so impressed with your fortitude — and soooooo sorry that you have had such POOR medical care! I think you need to change family doctors — this one is NOT LISTENING! I think the referral to the Alliston MH centre is RIGHT ON — hope you wake up and feel better, and find a way to pursue this. Yes, you have a medical problem — but I have learned myself in the last few years that you CAN NOT afford to ‘just take it’ cuz ‘she’s a doctor and I’m not’ — -who suffers from the errors — NOT THE DOCTOR! Obviously, you are the one who is suffering — this needs to CHANGE! I think you need to start family doctor shopping, with a printout of this post in hand!

    HUGGGGGGGZZZZZ and prayers wafting on your behalf…with all body parts crossed, that your luck is about to turn!!!! You may be depressed — but you sound pretty sensible to me, girl — courage!


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