Work in progress

Well, Friday I got brave enough to remove the towel I had stuffed up between the wall and my cupboard where the bat had flown into.  Imagine my surprise when ~ no bat! Oh great. If the bat is not up there, then where is it? I shudder to think. So for the past two days I have been walking into rooms very gingerly.Turning on the lights and then looking around carefully. With every cupboard, drawer or closet I open I expect this thing to come flying out at me. My poor nerves are frayed. Where is this thing??? I may as well resolve myself to the fact that I have just inherited another pet. Maybe I should just give it a name and be done with it. “Boris”  maybe? Or how about  “Barrack O’Bat’ma?”  Maybe I should set out a bowl of food for it every morning like I do my cat. Afterall,…. how bad can bats be? (Oh God,… I just shuttered involuntarily thinking of answers to that question) Rabies,… that’s what. I worry that Maggie will eventually come across its hiding place and it will bite her and Oh,… don’t even want to go there,…. Bottom line,… It’s just a bad situation. I’m doing my best to just not think of it and get on with it. Who wants to take bets of when and where it will eventually turn up?

 I guess it’s time to finally admit that I have slipped back into a depressed fog again. For the past 3 weeks or so I have been fading down, down, down,… I have been exhausted, sad, un-motivated with no energy. I feel this loss of emotional expression ~ a flat affect ~ an empty mood. I see the signs of it getting worse too. I am isolating again.  Socially withdrawing. My sleep has been a huge problem too. Insomnia when I don’t take my Seroquel and sleeping way too much when I do take it. I have trouble concentrating on the simplest of things. My memory is horrible and I can’t seem to make a decision to save my life. In short ~ I have once again been visited by “The Black Fog”.

As you have read in the past few weeks, I have been trying hard to over-come it by trying to stay active and motivated. But I think it’s time to admit that it just isn’t working anymore.

So Friday I went to the Doctor. She agrees that things seem to have gotten worse even from when she saw me just over a month ago. I’m to stay on my medication ~ FULL DOSE! God how I hate taking the full dose of that stuff. It just makes me sleep. and sleep. and sleep,…. But she insists it’s better than the alternative. I grudgingly agree. So I’m back on the elephant tranquilizers for a while. She has put me on an ‘urgent’ waiting list for a psychiatrist and hopes that I can get in to see one in the next 2 to 3 months. She had just received my charts from my last doctor that week and hadn’t had a chance to read it yet so she told me to sit tight and she would go through my chart thoroughly in the next day or two. Hopefully then she’ll have a better idea of how to proceed forward. I am being patient. I know it’s taking much longer than I want it too, but she is doing it thoroughly which is what I have wanted all along. But it doesn’t change the fact that in the meantime I am just waiting at home drugged to the eyeballs and barely able to get out of bed. It’s not a nice existence. Depression is a horrible disease. But I will do what I am told to do. because in the end, I do want to get better and I know this doctor is working hard to achieve that. The big picture shows a positive outlook. The little picture has me holding on patiently feeling like shit. But I am aware that it will get better and that professional help is just around the corner. Hold on Jacquie,……Keep looking at the silver lining!!!!

And that is where things stand right now. I am in a sort of “holding tank”. Knowing I will feel better but having to go through the motions of feeling terrible first. So,…

My positives,….

I may be un-well right now but I know I won’t be forever.

I am happy that as I have gotten older, I am understanding this disease a bit more and therefore I am able to recognize the signs and symptoms and  ASK FOR HELP.

And lastly,…. Summer is on the way! Even if mother nature hasn’t finished with the water works quite yet. But soon it will be shorts & flip-flop weather once again. 🙂 Never under-estimate the power of good weather on a persons psyche




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