I have stumbled

I have stumbled in my struggle to fight this depression.

Right now my mental health is quite fragile and I can only cope if I have no pressure on me at all. I am finding that the only way to get through each day is to set myself small goals to accomplish. Get up… have a shower… make my bed… do dishes… go for a walk, etc… It must seem absurd to a healthy person reading this that these things are even considered difficult to do because to them they just do them automatically without any thought at all. But to someone who is depressed everything becomes a monumental chore. Right now one of the big things I’m contending with is getting out of my apartment. When I’m depressed my apartment becomes my sanctuary. Here there is no stress to cope with. There are no people to have to “fake it” for (which is so exhausting to do).   No one can hurt me in here. Anxiety and depression hold me hostage. But to me… this is a necessary evil because stress and anxiety are so much worse.

It doesn’t help that the medication I am on has me sleeping most of the day. And when I am awake I am left with the dreaded “Seroquel hangover”. This has me feeling like I’m walking through molasses all day. That is why the small everyday tasks become so difficult.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that right now things are pretty fragile.

So when something happens in my life I don’t seem to be able to cope with it very well. A few days ago something happened that has upset me quite a bit. I can’t really go into what it was because this is a public blog and I would be infringing on people’s privacy if I did as it would be obvious who I was talking about even if I didn’t name any names.

On the whole, the “incident” wasn’t that huge a deal really. Ok, that’s not true… The incident itself wasn’t that big, but the outcome of it was. It really hurt me. It has sent me spiraling back down into depression once again. Right now, I’m not even functioning. I called my Doctors office and they put an urgent rush on my psychiatrist referral and it should only be a matter of days before I hear anything now. In the meantime I’m just to stay home and wait this out. And that is where things are at the moment.

Not a very interesting or cheerful entry today but it’s an honest one.


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