A bit of a wobbly weekend

This weekend was a bit of a bump in the road for me. Canada’s Thanksgiving weekend. Holidays are usually hard times for me because I have spent a lot of them alone lately. For the past few years anyway. And this weekend was no exception.

I picked Michelle and Hayley up Friday afternoon and brought them back here for a nice girlie movie night in. As usual we had a lot of fun. But, my girls have busy lives and therefore weren’t able to spend any more time here so I had to bring them back home early Saturday morning. They both work and had to be at their jobs that day.

I tried to look at this long weekend as just another weekend. I’m not working. I live alone, so it’s normal for me to eat, sleep, watch TV, etc,… alone every day. So I wanted to make this weekend just like every other day so it wouldn’t bother me. But I didn’t have a lot of luck. The image of happy family gatherings were everywhere, so it was difficult to pretend that it was the beginning of a long weekend and nothing more.

This is the first Thanksgiving without Mom. The girls were busy doing their own stuff and my brother had something quite special to do this year which I’m so glad he got to do. But unfortunately that left him and his wife out of town. So I was on my own.

I really, really missed not being able to go to Moms and have a lovely family get together at the old family home in Brampton. A house with memories in every corner. A house that was always willing to welcome me home is no longer there. Well,.. It’s still there,… but it’s now owned by someone else. Something I still can’t quite get my head around. It feels like my life has slipped through my fingers like sand. My parents have both passed on. The house is no longer “ours”. My kids can never go to their Nana and Papas to be loved unconditionally on Thanksgiving and other holidays. It’s a natural part of life this ‘moving on’ but it’s certainly not easy.

I missed the simple little things. Being with family… The smell of the turkey cooking… sitting out on the deck enjoying the last great weather of the season… all the things you take for granted. The memories that you don’t even realize are so precious while they’re happening. It’s not until they are no longer there that you feel the ache in your heart for them.

Ah my life. It sure didn’t turn out the way I thought it would have. Depression and mental illness sure did get in the way. And because of that I had to take forks in the road that were extremely unexpected and out of my control. It robbed me of the normal things that others don’t even realize they have. Happy marriages… children that are actually in their lives everyday… friends and family… even financial stability… I don’t have any of those things anymore. They’re all gone. And no time of year am I more aware of it than on holidays.

But… Thanksgiving is now over. Normal life once again resumes. Time to move forward. So I am. Onwards and upwards and all that, right? Right,….

I guess we all need a little sentimental cry every once in awhile.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Elizabeth Barnesco
    Oct 11, 2011 @ 21:56:59

    You are so right, Jacquie — a very hard time. I remember well how horrid that ‘year of firsts’ was. It is bad enough having the realization at ‘our age’ (I know I am a bit ahead of you!) of what we have lost, missed, or given away, without so many things that have been impacted by your illness — glad you had a good old cry and posted about it. Those things deserve notice, even if you do wisely move ‘onward and upward’ once again when Tuesday came around. HUGGZSZZZZ to you, and kudos as well!!!

    Reply

  2. justdifficult
    Oct 24, 2011 @ 20:13:25

    Hi Jacqui,

    I know exactly what you feel like. Even though I don’t live on my own, I might as well do with the amount of miserable traffic driving everything and everyone out of my head at Christmas time. Thank God we don’t have Thanksgiving each year here in the UK; it would probably break me. My Dad died horribly about 16 years ago on December the 4th, and this totally messed Christmas up for me for good – or until I have my own family. It’s weird. I can be with my mother and my sister and her family over Christmas, but I feel utterly alone in the world.

    As for you, one year on is a very small time after your mother’s death. My Mum’s mother died last two years ago, and she’s still getting upset about it. I don’t see that there is anything odd about how you’ve been feeling – and judging from a quick rundown on your blog, you’ve been through a hell of a lot yourself.

    I hope that you can see out the festive season with at least the feeling that there are people like me who understand how you feel without wishing to diminish any of it. Christmas, New Year, bloody Valentine’s Day – all yuck when you feel alone.

    Biggest hugs; I’m sure all your readers send you as much, if not more.

    X Clarissa
    http://www.justdifficult.com

    ps – I’ve added you to my blogroll!

    Reply

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