It’s been a few weeks since I have written on this blog. One reason being I was struck down with a nasty bug for a few weeks. It left me feeling too sick to write. But fortunately that seems to have subsided and I’m feeling much better in that regards once again.

But the other reason is because I just don’t seem to  be doing well again. I seem to have reverted right back to where I was before my hospitalization in “Homewood”. I feel quite sad and lethargic most of the time. I have no motivation physically or mentally to do anything.  I think it’s safe to say the depression is back. I have been sequestered away in my apartment now for many weeks. I have only ventured out if I have a doctor’s appointment or need to get groceries.  The transitional nurse that comes to see me once a week has spoken out-loud that awful word I hate that never fails to make me feel like a failure,… Agoraphobia.  But really, agoraphobia isn’t what I have because that is a fear of the outside. A fear of wide open spaces. I don’t have a fear of that at all. My fear seems to be of interacting with people. I don’t leave my apartment for fear of running into someone and having to interact with them socially if only for a few minutes. Now I cannot explain this weird issue at all. It started slowly a few years ago and has just gotten progressively worse with time. I stopped answering my phone when it rang. I stopped going to social events. I just stopped doing anything that meant I would have to talk to someone.

I know a part of it has to do with low self-esteem. You feel like your not as good as everyone else so you don’t want to talk to them because then they will ‘figure that out’. I think another aspect comes from my sleeping disorder. Yup, I know that ones a stretch but…. My sleeping problems that I have had for over 30 years is that I can’t sleep at night so I stay up all night and then I fall asleep at 4 or 5 in the morning and sleep until the afternoon. I won’t go into this all over again as I have talked about this here on my blog many times. It’s just something I have and try as I might I just cannot change it. So i feel really embarrassed when people find out. “Good Lord, It’s 2 in the afternoon and your still in bed???” It’s humiliating. I feel like a complete failure because I cannot change this pattern. So I guess the fewer people in my life,… the less people will know of this issue. I’m not even sure if that makes any sense what-so-ever but  in my mind there is a strong correlation between the two. (sleeping issue and isolating)

Socializing always revokes high anxiety in me. Sometimes I force myself to get out there and do it. Like when my sister-in-law Lisa asks me to go to Wal-Mart with her shopping  I will because I’m comfortable with her(and my brother Glen and my two daughters) so if I have to go out,… going out with her is a safe buffer to the world.  They are my safe people. But mostly I can’t go out. Most of the time even if I need to I will put it off and put it off because it just creates too much anxiety. Most times,…I just can’t do it.

I don’t think I have explained any of this very well. Not so that anyone can really understand how uncomfortable life has become for me outside my apartment door. But I felt I had to talk about it. It may explain a lot to people I haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time.

Curiously though,… I don’t seem to have any problem communicating on Facebook, Twitter or my blog. I guess there’s that safety wall between me and people then. I’m glad I have the internet because it gives me a little window to the outside world.  I still feel somewhat ‘involved’ in family and friends lives even if I’m not directly communicating through calling or visiting. You have to appreciate those small blessings don’t you?

So right now I am feeling quite disappointed in myself. I spent all that time in hospital working to get better and here I am ~ 6 weeks later ~ right back to where I started from. I’m still depressed and I’m still unable to leave my apartment. (I did get off all those excessive amounts of prescription drugs though so that is a big achievement) but I just feel sad that I wasn’t able to do better. I feel like I have let myself,  and others who love me, down. And now I am sitting here thinking ‘Is this it?’ ~ ‘Is this as good as it’s ever gonna get?’. I don’t know. I can’t answer that. I can only hope that with continued care maybe I can make things better. Changes in medication,… good therapy,… I don’t know what. But maybe one of those things or all of those things put together will help me to continue the fight with this mental illness and slowly start to win. I’m not giving up. I’m just struggling hard right now. Theres a difference.


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