Welcome to the Asylum

Not coping. There. It’s official. ~ When I woke up this morning I was not doing well. I was exhausted. I was mentally and physically drained. I have not been sleeping well at all.  I made coffee, slumped on the couch and knew that today was going to be ‘one of those days’. I knew my depression was bigger than me and I was not going to be able to function. So I gave in to it. This apartment could have caught on fire and I would not have been able to move. I was paralyzed in ‘my black fog’ So here I was facing yet another wasted day brought to you by Queen of Depression.

I know most people don’t understand my depression and social anxiety. Depression is full on mental agony. It leaves you blinded by the darkness, deafened by the silence,  and consumed by the emptiness. I like to joke that I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user-friendly. But the truth is I can’t leave my apartment because of my anxiety. And that really is no joke. Itleaves me feeling lonely and a failure.

My illness just rolls on to varying degrees over time. Today, I have dipped quite low.  

I can see that I am deteriorating. I can feel it. Hayley came for the weekend. This always makes me feel better to some degree. But this particular visit was actually a bit hard. I was not well mentally (but didn’t want her to know that) so it really was a struggle to keep it all together. I have to admit that once she left, I collapsed in bed and cried. It took everything out of me to ‘pretend’ to her that I was alright. It left me drained.

Mental illness takes and takes until you barely recognize who you are anymore. I don’t think I will ever find peace with the person I see in the mirror each morning. I constantly feel guilt and humiliation. That definitely takes a toll on you.

I have a feeling that there are friends of mine who don’t understand my ‘silences’ and have given up on me. That’s alright. I may have given up on me at this point too. I just want to say to them that,… I haven’t called because I’m finding it too hard. I am concentrating all my efforts into getting well. Sometimes just waking up, having coffee and then a shower is all I can accomplish in that day. Other days I can get up and do a lot. There’s no rhyme or reason to what and how much I am capable of doing. Each day is different from the last. And unfortunately, the past month has been difficult and I have been struggling.

 

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