Denial, Denial, Denial,….

 I have been abusing prescription meds for many, many years. And over those years I have managed to find a way to make it OK.  The Doctor prescribed them to me so therefore it’s perfectly alright to take them. Right? Today, I am admitting for the first time that this is definitely wrong and I definitely abuse the drugs I have been prescribed.

It is still true that my doctors have over-prescribed meds to me for a very long time. I suppose I can be quite manipulative when I need to be and conned a lot of drugs out of my doctors. Then I would take the bare minimum and stock pile the rest until “needed”. In my addicted mind, so long as any pill I took was prescribed by a doctor then I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

For two full years I was prescribed 800mg of Seroquel. The average dose is about 50mg. I would abuse these to the point of taking up to 3200mg at a time which would do exactly what I intended it to do and that would be knock me out for a good 24 hours or more at a time. 24 hours that I didn’t have to feel depressed or a failure or stupid or worthless. It gave me a 24 hour reprieve from my life. I called this “My Seroquel Vacation”

When I went into hospital this last time (July 2011) I finally admitted to my therapist just how many prescription drugs I have been taking ~ but they were prescribed ~ therefore I was supposed to take that much. What I didn’t tell them, because I had not even admit it to myself yet at that time, was that I grossly abused these drugs taking 2 and 3 ~ even 4 or 5 or 6 times the recommended dose.

Tuesday, in my therapy group, I finally admit to everyone that I am definitely an addict and I definitely abuse prescription drugs. I admit that now that I am not being prescribed a lot of meds from my new doctor (who is extremely careful about prescribing only the minimum amount) I have turned to marijuana and alcohol and even over-the-counter drugs. In fact, my whole day is spent thinking about where I am going to get something to take to let me ‘zone out’ and escape my life ~ even for a short time.

Anyone who reads this blog is well aware of my sleeping issues. In short, I just don’t sleep. So I take drugs to let me finally get some sleep. The craving is unbelievably strong. When your body has been used to going to sleep with powerful drugs,… It’s really difficult to change that pattern physically and mentally.

I tried going drug free for about 3 or 4 months after I got out of the hospital. I took only my prescribed meds and they did nothing. But ultimately, I gave in and went back to abusing ~ with anything I could get my hands on. Right now it’s weed and alcohol. Not a lot by any standards but addiction is addiction and any amount is abuse.

So I have been called back into addiction therapy. And have been advised to go to AA/NA. Those are tough words to hear. I am not a junkie. I smoke a bowl of weed before bed every night and have one or two drinks during the evening. You always think in your mind that addicts are those homeless people doing terrible things to get money for their next fix. I am nothing like that. I am a middle-aged Mom. I rarely even leave my apartment. I certainly don’t look like an addict. But,… I am told I am on a very slippery slope and I need to get some help to get myself back on track. This is scary to me. Because I don’t use because I am a partier…. I use drugs just to get some sleep. So I am really apprehensive about giving them up. The truth is they give me what I need right now. SLEEP.

But, I will instead go back to therapy. I will instead start going to AA/NA. And I will try my best to clean myself up and get completely sober once again.

This journey to get better has been harder and taken much longer than I ever imagined it would.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Mar 29, 2012 @ 09:06:30

    very brave of you to admit i have been attending a support group for my stepson i have witnessed alot of success stories u will do great im here for u anytime i think once u get all the crap out of your system u will b able to sleep im proud of u for being honest

    Reply

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