Just clearing things up from my last post

I think I need to clear something up on here due to my last post.

It is due to my ongoing therapy that I have been encouraged to admit my past abuse of drugs. And I had been encouraged to “come clean” by my therapists as part of my recovery. This is what I tried to do in my last blog post.

So,…  just to get things clear. Yes, I most definitely used to abuse prescription drugs. But right now, I am not. I am taking only my prescribed amount by my family doctor which was recommended to her by my hospital stay psychiatrists as well as an outside psychiatrist. So the dosage of meds I am on now is recommended by 3 different professionals and that is ALL I take. It really is a minimal amount.

What I think I confused people with,  is whether or not I am abusing drugs right now ~ in the present. The answer is,… slightly. Because of my frustrating sleeping problem I use marijuana or alcohol in the evening. But,… I only have ONE puff on my pipe which means I am barely high ~ just relaxed ~ and I do this maybe 4 or 5 times a week. I also have a drink (or rarely two) to relax if I find myself quite anxious. (I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder) I don’t even like the taste of alcohol and I certainly don’t enjoy the act of smoking marijuana. I only do it to help me sleep when I can.

So, professionals will probably say I should not be doing this. But in my mind, marijuana is used LEGALLY for medicinal purposes so therefore I think the extremely small amount I use is alright because it definitely helps me to sleep.

And another issue I apparently have to clear up is,.. People are suggesting that I should not be on ANY drugs what-so-ever. So I have to say to this,…No, I should NOT be stopping my prescribed drugs because I have a very real mental illness I have been diagnosed with and have had for many years. Being off medication is dangerous to my well-being. Each and every time I have stopped my meds on my own I have always ended up back in hospital.

When I said that my whole day is spent thinking about where I am going to get something to take to let me ‘zone out’ and escape my life,… I meant that as what I THINK constantly but DON’T act upon it. I am not wandering the streets looking for drugs. I was just making a statement on how powerful the craving is to give in and take drugs and that I still have these powerful cravings I fight every day.

I hope this is more clear than my last post. As people were getting the impression that I am right back on a lot of drugs. I’m not. I am trying very, very hard to overcome my addictions. But I am not perfect. I think I will always struggle with this problem.

And may I also say that the addiction is not even the issue for me being where I am right now. It’s my illness that is the strongest problem I have. The addiction is a side-effect of my illness. People seem to have gotten the impression that I don’t leave my apartment because I am high all the time and sitting in here doing drugs all day. That is so far from the reality. I don’t leave my apartment because I have a severe social phobia that started about 3 years ago and has gotten worse over time. I am addressing this in therapy to hopefully change. I also suffer from 4 other mental health conditions.  THESE are the challenges I am in therapy for right now. Not addiction. 

Sorry if I sound a bit upset. I was just hurt by people assuming I am not trying to get better and that all I need to do is stop drugs, pull up my boot-straps and get on with it. This made me feel like they think I am lying about how difficult my day-to-day struggle with mental illness is and that I could overcome it if I only tried hard enough. This makes me feel like I have to constantly justify everything I do or say.

I am trying very hard to get better. But it’s a struggle. Some days I do really well but other days I don’t. It’s a roller coaster ride I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lizzybee999
    Apr 01, 2012 @ 11:21:06

    Jacquie, I ‘got’ your last post entirely, so no wonder you were a bit hurt by those who ‘missed’ your meaning! You are such an inspiration to me…keep fighting! And it is sad that medicinal marijuana is not accepted by so many — I really think it is overlooked too often, due to the ‘reefer madness’ fallacy that so many have chosen to believe. Huggzz for your ongoing struggle!

    Reply

  2. Sean O
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 22:41:32

    Jacquie

    Just found your blog here. I understand much of what you write. I read constantly to distract myself from myself from myself calm.

    I’m looking to right myself as well. Getting going is a colossal effort. I am not living now, just surviving. No way to live.

    I was wondering how old you were? Guessing you are younger. Anyway I will check back to see how you are getting on.

    Reply

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