struggling through

Things have gone from bad to worse over the past few weeks since I last posted.

April 4th was the 1 year anniversary of my Moms passing. I didn’t think it would affect me so much but it did. Especially since it was the Easter long weekend. I again spent it alone. It’s just so sad to spend holidays by yourself. unfortunately I spend way too many holidays alone. I suppose I’m just getting used to it.

I’m having new problems with the new medication that has been prescribed to me. I know all new medications need time to get into your system and usually some of the side effects diminish over the first month or so. But I’m having the opposite effect with them. They have left me feeling totally exhausted all day. I’m also finding I have terrible shakes. People who see this must think I’m withdrawing or something because this is how I was the first few days in the hospital last fall when I was detoxing off all my meds. It’s really embarrassing. I can’t even hold a cup of coffee without shaking and spilling it. I’m also feeling a bit disoriented and detached from everything. Because of all these new symptoms I don’t want to see anyone because I feel like everyone is watching me and thinking I’m drunk or something.  I’m having trouble concentrating and my memory seems to be getting worse. I’ll be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly I can’t remember what we’re talking about at all. I just go blank.  This is happening more and more frequently. So I really don’t know whats going to happen from here. I don’t see my doctor until the end of April so I guess I’ll just have to persevere until then.

I’m still going to group therapy every Tuesday afternoon. But I’m finding it a struggle. I know they’re suppose to be pushing us to open up and “get to the bottom” of stuff but I find it all really difficult and usually come home in tears. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing to come home so drained and emotional. The leader has suggested I go back to my psychiatrist for a re-evaluation. So that is being set up soon. I’m also starting  NA/AA next week.

Overall, I just seem to be having a much more difficult time taking proper care of myself. I’m so sick of having cereal morning, noon and night because I just can’t seem to pull myself together to go grocery shopping or cook. And I won’t leave the apt unless I really have to. Last Thursday just before the Easter long weekend I went to Freshcos because I was out of everything. But it was so busy I just couldn’t take it. I ended up buying just milk and cereal and got out of there.   I went to Wal-Mart this week too but I have found that if I put my Ipod in my ears I can just get what I need to get and be on my way without actually talking to anyone. I even have a hard time doing the small stuff around the apartment. Laundry, cleaning, paying bills,…  I’m hoping all of these issues are a direct cause of the new medication. If it is, then trying something different could make the difference between coping and not coping. I really do hope so because right now I barely feel like I’m existing.

Sorry this post is so negative but that’s pretty much how I feel right now. I just want to get this damn medication sorted out once and for all. It’s very frustrating.

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