One step forward and two steps back

I seem to be struggling a bit at the moment. I have spent the past year in therapy/recovery and as of last week it has all come to an end. No more therapy or hospital or groups. I am now officially on my own again except for the care of my GP. I knew it was coming and I did try and prepare myself but when the time came to say good-bye, It was just a lot harder than I expected it to be.

I made a point of being aware that it would be difficult and forcing myself to be pro-active by pushing myself to do what’s good for me. But, I’m afraid, things don’t seem to be going to plan in that aspect. In fact,… I seem to have regressed.

I don’t want to go into all the illness details of what is happening, but the end result is me having a very difficult time leaving my apartment once again. And this is so disheartening because I worked so hard to overcome this problem. And now I’m really disappointed in myself.

I can’t explain to people how this social phobia/anxiety/agoraphobia thing works. You just wouldn’t understand it unless you lived it. But even though I am trying really hard, I just can’t leave my apartment and be a part of society. In short,… I find it just too overwhelming.

I did try this week. I contacted a few of the girls I met in group and said I’d like to make plans to get together with them. They are really great women and I know it would be really good for me to have such nice (and understanding) friends. We bonded so well in group and I know they are caring and they do have an idea of my “issues” so they do understand.

But,… It’s just so difficult to actually leave this apartment to see them. At the time that I make plans with friends or family, I fully intend to keep them. I even look forward to spending time with the person I’ve made arrangements with. But when the actual time comes,… I just can’t do it,… I just can’t leave this damn apartment.

It’s a sad and lonely disorder to have. Because I know what always happens in the end. It always ends up with me making a last-minute call to cancel. Which seems to be acceptable once or twice, but after numerous times people understandably start to get annoyed. This ends up in hard feelings and eventually,.. the loss of that friendship. People don’t mind meeting up with me here in my apartment a few times but over time they get bored and move on.

After all of my therapy I have a much better understanding of why I am this way. But unfortunately, overcoming the phobia is proving to be so much more difficult than I anticipated. Mental Illness really is full on mental agony sometimes. It has robbed me of so much. And left me with such guilt. On days (like today) when all I can accomplish is to eat and have a shower,… I feel guilty and think I’m not worthy. And that I’m letting all the people down who have supported me over the past year. And I get scared that they, too, will leave when they see such little progress.

And yet,… I really am trying. That’s what makes this illness/disorder so frustrating. Sometimes I try so hard yet I still fail. Luckily there are times I do really, really well and it’s these times that keep encouraging me to struggle on. Which I will continue to do. I did manage to get out for 20 minutes today. And that felt like climbing a mountain. But I forced myself and I did do it. So, I guess I have to hold on to the small accomplishments.

Again, this blog entry isn’t all hearts and roses,… but then again, neither is mental illness and some days you just get down about it all and need to vent.

 

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Rosemary
    Jun 28, 2012 @ 06:49:49

    Oh Jackie I so get that. My Doctor wants me off of clorazapam and I have been trying. But I cannot leave the house and all I do is sit and obssess. Even taking the meds I have to force myself out. Drs orders are to take a 30 minute walk. Yet I don’t want people to see me. I don’t even want to be around family!!! Its a horrid thing mental illness. I keep trying to practice what we learned in group but that monkey mind still often wins. All my best m’dear.

    Reply

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