Waltzing with Mathilda

I was supposed to go to my Doctors office yesterday to pick up my medication that I ran out of. But I can’t go out. I tried… many times… but I just can’t make myself leave my apartment. 

Welcome to the world of Mathilda…

A few years ago I named my  “mental’ness”  Mathilda. It helps me to separate it somewhat so I can think of it as a separate entity ~ It’s not me that’s crazy ~  Its Mathilda making an unwanted appearance. And this past week or two… Mathilda just doesn’t want to leave.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week. We discussed my OCD.  Now, anyone who knows me well is not going to be surprised to hear that I have this. I’ve been a ‘germ-phobic’  / clean-freak for years.  But it’s just been the past few years that it has become debilitating.

She gave me the OCD symptom check list again and discovered that my OCD has gone from moderate to severe over the past 5 years. No need to tell me that… It’s quite obvious really. My life has shrunk into living in my little apartment – practically agoraphobic – because my OCD/anxiety is so debilitating. (among other problems) The ‘outside’ world is too messy and over-whelming for me most of the time. And when I am out in public, I have to “act normal” which I find absolutely exhausting. It’s easier to just stay in my apartment so I can be who I am.

And inside, If my apartment isn’t “just-so” my anxiety becomes excessively high making it hard to function normally. So I am a slave to all my quirky little idiosyncrasies. I’ve come to laugh at all my silly little peculiarities. I’ve had them for so many years that I’m very used to them. I have found that my warped sense of humour has gotten me by… 

 “Arghhhh, I don’t have enough money to get to the end of the month”   ***rummages for gun  ~  shoots self  ~   cleans up own brain from wall***   cuz you know,… my OCD…   

  You know,… that sort of thing. If I joke about it I find others don’t get uncomfortable with it. We can all laugh together. Because seriously, some things really are quite humorous.  (When my daughter left her bong here by mistake instead of getting angry or upset, I did what any mother with OCD would do… I cleaned and sterilized it!!)  But seriously,…. I do try very, very hard to hide it from everyone. My mission is to appear as normal as possible. But when I can’t hide it ~ I at least try to joke about it,…

My psychiatrist thinks that because of all the therapy I’ve been doing over the past year and getting to the heart of a lot of issues is subconsciously causing me to revert to more serious OCD tendencies.  I have to admit I don’t fully understand that logic but as I see no reason why I’ve gotten much worse I guess I’ll go along with that theory for now.

So, once again… New medications…. And once again… I can’t afford them…  She has written prescriptions for what I need but when I went to the drug store with it, it was going to be over $400.00 a MONTH! I don’t have medical coverage. But I sure wished I did right about now. My family doctor has managed to get my long-term original medication from their pharmaceutical rep but this won’t last forever and he can only get the one.  It’s an unfortunate situation to be in. without meds, I won’t get well… without being well…. I can’t work,… without work I can’t make money… without money I can’t get meds… Really is a vicious cycle.

Anyway,… It is Friday today. Most people are gearing up for a busy weekend of shopping or visiting or just getting out and enjoying themselves. Me? I will be hanging out here in my apartment…  My little prison that I have created for myself. But it’s not so bad. I am comfortable here. With my bleach and my soap and my sponges (haha).

I have my next therapy appointment in two weeks and we will be starting to work on getting better from this. She has suggested that I may have to re-take the 3 month group I just finished in July. Seriously don’t want to but I guess I have to do what is suggested if I want to get over this latest “set-back” . Because I don’t enjoy being sick. It has completely debilitated me and my life. But I have to face the fact that I am sick. And I need to do whatever I need to do to get better and move forward.

But in the meantime,…  I’ve got a linen closet that needs to be colour co-ordinated!



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