A Conundrum indeed

Well here it is 9:45pm and I have finally managed to have a shower. I think it’s safe to say that today has been a totally wasted day. In fact the past few weeks have been totally wasted due to this crippling depression. Most days I manage to do dishes and have a shower. I just don’t have the motivation to do anything else. I feel so drained,… empty,… sad,… exhausted,…  All I can do is sleep or watch TV. And I feel so guilty and embarrassed because of it.
I also have something on my mind that has been some-what troubling. My birth mother has been very ill these past 3 weeks. She is in a hospital in BC with severe pneumonia. She was in a coma for a while but thankfully has now come out of that although still remains quite ill.
I’m not sure how I’m suppose to feel about all this. She is not my “Mom” after all. Joan Morgan was my Mom and always will be and she’s the one who raised me (which hey, lets admit,… wasn’t easy at the best of times). But Kelly (that’s my birth mother) is still a nice person. It’s not like I dis-like her at all. She’s just not my Mom. I have grown to care very much for the Holyoak family over the past 15 years or so that I have been re-acquainted with them all. Kelly and I have written letters over the years and (rarely) spoken on the phone. So I do know her and care for her. But more in a “friend” capacity rather than family. In fact, my Aunt Doreen (Kelly’s sister) and I have become very close over the years and I definitely consider her family. Kelly lives in BC so I never see her. Doreen on the other hand lives here in Ontario and I see her quite frequently. During my rough time where I lost custody of the girls and became estranged from the Morgan family, Doreen was the one who picked up all the pieces. So she’s definitely an important person in my life. But Kelly? Shes more of a pen pal.
And then of course there’s the guilt of even wanting to care about her because I fear I will hurt the Morgans (who are now back in my life in a big way ~ love them to death) So what do I do?
For now, I have decided to just pray for her recovery and hope she comes out of this well. Thinking beyond that is just too over-whelming for me at the moment. I’m obviously not well myself at this point and I don’t want to rock the boat and have any kind of relapse ending up back in hospital. But I can’t deny, This whole situation has been playing on my mind since it all started. And I’m sure it isn’t helping in my depression either. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on my life,… Life went and moved the goalposts,….
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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rosemary
    Mar 03, 2013 @ 15:17:02

    Hi Jacquie, It’s just annoying old me again. I just want to tell you about a situation in our family and it may be a little long winded but is somewhat like yours. As a child around eight I was told that I had an older sister Sue. One of my younger sisters name is Sue. It was a secret and I was never ever to tell anyone. I don’t remember who told it to me. I do remember finding some papers in the desk around that age and asking my Mom who Anne Latham was. They were divorce papers I found. (M middle name is Anne ) She snatched them out of my hands. Anyways fast forward about twenty years. My sister Sue and my brother John used to get together for a few drinks once in a while and you know that loose lips sink ships so I told them about our other sister Sue. My other younger sister was not a drinker and a very religious person. So life went on…A few months after my mother died (at 80)I decided we should have a sisters PJ party. Myself and my younger sisters all in our fifties got together with a few too many bottles of wine. Glynis liked wine at this time;) We told Glynis about our other sister Sue. She looked at us like we were mad and off our rockers. Only four months after my mothers death one of my daughters called me at work and said she thinks she has found my sister. (I had told my children about this story from my childhood.) Annie had googled my Dads name under the Royal Marines looking for his history and came up with “missing you.uk. All hell broke loose at that time. My Dad who was in his eighties denied then after months of talking accepted the fact that this woman was in fact his daughter. (She looks more like him than any of us) She came from England to visit. Dad did fine. Glynis who had only just learnt about this “new” sister did not. The sad part is Dad has now rejected his oldest daughter after she married another woman. Glynis does not speak with her either. Glynis tells me she is like a stranger to her. But to me because I have known about her since I was little I feel so much closer. So I think the time that we have known about the other person in our lives plays a huge part in our feelings toward them. By the way my other sister Sue changed her name to Cassandra. Google Cassandra Latham:) Life is so funny sometimes…you couldn’t make it up if you tried. xx

    Reply

  2. jacquierose
    Mar 03, 2013 @ 22:23:19

    I actually lived with my birth family for a year before being put into foster care and then adopted so I do feel some connection to them. It’s very confusing having 2 families. :}

    Reply

  3. Rosemary
    Mar 04, 2013 @ 07:40:20

    So the way I see it Jacquie is that you have a lot of people who care about you:) I bet it is confusing but just try to put the people in the order you need to. No use in feeling guilty. Not gonna do much good. The loved ones in your life I am sure know where they stand with you. JMHO of course. Take care. xo

    Reply

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