And the roller coaster never stops,….

What a roller coaster life I have,…

The ups and downs of my moods control my life. After coming out of a bad patch the last month I started to feel a lot better this past week. I was getting out, seeing my family, and even getting some housework done again. But then today I crashed. As anyone who reads this blog knows, my medications play havoc with my sleep pattern. When I take them properly,… I can sleep for 12 to 15 hours and then wake up so groggy I’m pretty useless to do anything. But when I don’t take my Seroquel (Like if I have plans the next day I need to attend to) I don’t sleep at all and I can be up for days at a time. It’s so hard on me. I definitely can’t lead a normal life at all.

Last night, I slept for 18 hours. EIGHTEEN! And when I did finally wake up at 6:30pm I was so groggy I couldn’t do anything but sit and stare at the TV.  And my mood has plummet once again into my horrible “Black Fog”.   It makes me feel so depressed that I have to wonder why I exist. Nothing looks positive,… I don’t see a future,…. and I feel like I’m so useless that I’m no good to anyone. (NOT suicidal folks ~ just trying to explain how the depression feels).

I just don’t understand how my moods can fluctuate so much. Yesterday I got out and did some errands (and for an agoraphobic that’s big stuff) and even dropped by my brothers for dinner. It was a good day. And today I’m the total opposite. Can’t see past the sadness,…. I thought the whole point of taking medication was to regulate my moods better. Hell, one of my medications is a “mood stabilizer”,…. I guess it goes to prove that medications can definitely help but they don’t take away the illness completely.

And who knows,… tomorrow I could wake up and feel like a million bucks. There just doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the moods. It’s just a horrible roller coaster that I can’t get off. But, as always,… I try to stay positive. For every bad day,… there is a good day,… and I live for the good days,…. And so lives on the life of Jacquie and her mental illness,…

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