Mathilda is in the building

social anxietyLast entry I was feeling pretty darn good about myself as I had accomplished some errands that would normally have had me an anxious mess on the floor. But today,… I didn’t do so well.

I had to go to an Apple store as my Iphone broke and apparently you need to bring it into one of their stores to have it looked at. Closest one to me is in Waterloo. I have never been to Waterloo. My anxiety starts to rise. But I decided going on Map Quest to get directions would help.  But they seem so complicated. I hate driving anywhere I’m not familiar with as it overwhelms me. My anxiety starts rising even more. I have already procrastinated for weeks already. But if I want my phone fixed I have to do this. Half an hour into the drive I realize I have taken a wrong turn somewhere. I’m now starting to get real ticked off at myself. But finally, I find my way to this damn mall with the Apple store in it.

 

The worry is not over yet. Now I have to walk into a store where I’ve never been and actually talk to someone I don’t know. Deep breaths Jacquie ~ you’ve come this far. Of course the store is packed. There are people everywhere. I wasn’t expecting this on a weekday. The crowd just makes me feel like running out of there. But I know I can’t. I finally summon the courage to ask someone for help. He asks me if I have an appointment.  An Appointment?  No one told me anything about needing an appointment. I can feel the panic rising. Please tell me that I have not come all this way only to find I have to come back another day! I think he could see that I was on edge. My eyes were starting to well up. I’m sure my demeanor was showing signs of a meltdown. Because he suddenly decided that maybe he could find someone to come and help me after all. He couldn’t have run away from me fast enough. I’m sure he went into the back saying “Crazy lady in aisle 4,… someone better help her or she’s going to lose it” It wouldn’t have been far from the truth actually. I was, by now, over my ‘safe’ limit and was starting to panic. All the people,.. All the noise,… Too much,… too much,…. I was trembling. Not a good sign. I tried to sit quietly to wait for someone but I couldn’t stop fidgeting, trembling, sweating,… Please God, don’t let me have a panic attack in here. Finally after 45 minutes someone did come out to help me. By this time I was so stressed I was a mess. But I didn’t care what the sales person thought of me by this time as all I wanted to do was get my phone fixed and GET OUT OF THERE! He couldn’t fix the phone. What?? Now I’m panicking more. The phone is only 3 months old and you can’t (won’t) fix it?? I couldn’t help myself. The tears started. I was melting down,…  I wasn’t handling this situation well at all. The guy was so embarrassed he hadn’t a clue what to do. So he went in the back and came out with a brand new phone.  I don’t think he dared to charge me the $50.00 that Telus told me they would charge. I think by this point he just wanted me gone. So that was that. I got a new phone.

But by the time I got out to the car I was an anxious, snivelling mess of overwhelming’ness (yes, I know that’s not a word but it fits here,…) It took me the whole drive home to calm myself down. And even then when I got in my apartment I locked the door behind me,… got into my pj’s,… and curled up on the couch for kitty cuddles with Maggie. I haven’t left the apartment since.

It always amazes me how my days can be so different. One day I feel good and happy and strong and I can go outside and enjoy it. And on other days, I can’t step over the threshold of my apartment door. I’m not able to answer the phone,… see anyone,… talk to anyone,… and instead my day is full of hand-washing and counting and checking,…. Today, was NOT a good day for me. Mathilda definitely reared her OCD filled head and ruined my day. Tomorrow I have to drive to Barrie to see Michelle. I can’t even guess how that’s going to go. But, I will try,… and I will do it,…. Because even though this OCD ~ social anxiety stuff can be very overwhelming and scary,… I can’t not see my family. I haven’t seen Michelle in ages and I miss her terribly. So I am going to give Mathilda a shove to the back of the line and stand up strong and just do it.

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