Theres a War going on inside my head




My mind is at war with itself. I have so many ‘quirks’ that I need to do to control the anxiety of my OCD.

I have these very strong urges where I need to check and re-check things over and over. I have the same thoughts constantly. I feel a very strong need to perform certain rituals repeatedly and feel like I have no control over what I am doing. (God forbid my favorite coffee mug isn’t clean for me to use each morning ~ something that small, can tip me over the edge starting the day off wrong. And it will only continue to get worse over the day. All because I wasn’t able to have my coffee in my large black mug ~ ridiculous!)

I know that everyone double checks things sometimes. For example, you might double check to make sure the stove or iron is turned off before leaving the house. But my OCD makes me feel a very strong need to check things repeatedly, or have certain thoughts or perform routines and rituals over and over. The thoughts and rituals associated with OCD cause distress and get in the way of my daily life ~ a lot.

I am always checking that windows and doors are all locked. And checking  that all appliances are off. I check that my remote controls are in order from shortest to tallest and that they are perfectly straight on the living room end table. In my pantry, all food is in strait lines, in alphabetical order and all labels have to have the English side facing out. In short, I have to make sure everything is perfectly in its place.

But sometimes my body just isn’t up to the job. My mind says scrub that kitchen or bathroom ~ top to bottom ~ with soap and bleach to make sure it’s not contaminated. But my body is depressed and just can’t do the task. This causes a war in my head that I can’t seem to control.

Right now, my apartment isn’t clean. I have been so exhausted that I just don’t have the energy to do all that work that needs to be done to get it up to my ridiculously high standards. So I sit in my chair trying to concentrate on TV but I can’t. I just keep seeing all the stuff that needs to be done. When this happens I tend to get really depressed and give up altogether. I just can’t keep up with my own standards. This makes me feel like a complete failure and I become so disappointed in myself. It’s a vicious cycle. I can’t clean ‘properly’ so it makes me depressed ~ and because I’m depressed I don’t have the energy to clean. My mind now feels cluttered and I can’t stand it.

Today has been a very bad day for this. I’m being pulled into two different directions and it has made me very anxious and overwhelmed. There have been tears,… and a basic underlying feeling of hopelessness for being so weak.

But as always, every day is different with me so all I can do is go to bed and hope that tomorrow won’t be so upsetting.


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