On a good wave,…

Forever FriendsI think  I can say with determined optimism that things are going great. I feel better,… I’m sleeping better,… My life is generally doing better. Dare I even whisper that this new medication is helping for fear of jinxing it,… but,… I do. I do think this medication is what I needed. I’m not “cured” by any means. But in my world just going outside is a huge step forward and I have been doing that and more.

My dinner out with “The 1963 Club” went well. In fact, I really enjoyed it and it was awesome to see my “forever friends” again. We went to a small restaurant here in Fergus I had heard so much about. But once we got inside I didn’t realize just how small and busy it was. Of course I panicked. People! Too many people and all too close ~ claustrophobia!! But we managed to get a table that allowed me to sit right beside a large window so that helped. And once we got settled and chatting I became much more comfortable. I even managed to not do all the silly little quirks I would normally do if I had been alone. Like clean my cutlery,… or wipe my glass,… or wash my hands with sanitizer every 15 minutes. That’s not to say it wasn’t in the front of my mind constantly,… I was just able to control it for those few hours. That’s a big step for me. I still couldn’t control the anxiety completely though. I felt very shaky and trembled my way through dinner. That is always an embarrassing thing for me. My new medication makes me shake so much I look like I’m going through de-tox. I can only hope no one noticed too much. After dinner we came back to my apartment for coffee. I felt much more relaxed then. I enjoyed it so much. It was great to catch up with everyone’s lives. We are already talking about having another night out.  It certainly made turning 50 far less painful. 🙂

The next day I had a birthday dinner at my brothers house. Good food as always. Another success at getting out. But I do have to admit that after such a busy weekend I was worn out mentally. All that adventuring out of my comfort zone really does take a lot out of me. I spent the rest of the week back to my old agoraphobic, anxious self. But that’s ok. I know that in ‘my world’ that there are good days and bad so I am thankful for the good and I know the bad won’t be here forever. I am just so proud of myself for going out for that dinner. A year ago there was NO WAY I could have done that. And not only did I do it,… I enjoyed it. That is definitely a foot in the right direction.

Today? today isn’t one of my better days. All I have managed to accomplish is having a shower. I feel anxious and overwhelmed and totally exhausted. But instead of letting it get me down, I just tell myself that today is almost over and tomorrow is a new day I can start fresh. In “my world” you have to applaud yourself for the good days you accomplish and accept the bad days for what they are.

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