Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water

Bridge Over Troubled Water

bridge over troubled waters

Not sure where to start with this blog entry. I had a bad week and I’m still feeling a bit numb and fragile. I have rarely left my apartment lately. Old fears and debilitating anxiety seem to have come to stay for awhile. Most days I have just been sad,… lethargic,…  feeling unable to cope. Monday was a really bad day. I don’t want to get into the specifics as its not WHAT happened,.. it’s that things are changing. I had to drive to Kitchener Mall for something but I didn’t know where it was. I don’t have GPS  (yup this girl is still in the 90’s,… I know,…) So I Map Quested the directions. Now normally I don’t have any problem driving. In fact I have christened my car as Bella the tank as I would drive anywhere, anytime in any weather. No fear at all. Like most people, driving was just second nature to me and I didn’t give it any thought. But now that my anxiety has gotten worse, so have my fears of driving. I ended up getting lost. Not just a little lost,… But “I haven’t gotten a friggin clue where I am” lost. Looking to go from Kitchener back home to Fergus I ended up on the other side of the 401 in Cambridge. And again, normally I would just stop and get directions and be on my way home. But I was so panicked and anxious that I actually stopped 4 times to get directions but could never remember them or heard them wrong or whatever it is that my brain does that allows me to screw up so badly. I had worked myself up into such a state that I ended up pulling over and melting down. Nothing like a good ol’ cry on the side of the 401 on ramp. (Yes, if you were the drivers behind me I know it was extremely dangerous and that I pissed you all off,…sorry) But that’s what happened. It took me over an hour to finally make it home after that. I was quite shaken and couldn’t stop crying all evening. In short,… I was a mess.

I do have support around me. My brother and sister-in-law,… my daughters,… my Aunt,… But sometimes you melt down so fast and so far that you don’t have the capacity to call and ask someone for support. Partly because you can’t help feeling embarrassed and weak. Also I don’t want to ‘wear out the welcome mat’ and create so much drama that people will give up on me for being sick of hearing about it all the time. (Hence this blog ~ I vent here and then I can move on)

Then there’s always the question of how bad is this melt-down? Is this just an unfortunate hic-cup? Or are things sliding out of control? I can’t decipher for myself as to what degree of “crazy” I am at any point. (and I use ‘crazy’ in the most endearing way)  I have to rely on family to kind of guide the way for me. If they think it’s just a blip in my chaotic life that we just wait it out. But if they see things getting worse than I usually end up in my Doctors office within the week. Right now? I think I’m at a just wait and see point. I wasn’t too bad today so maybe Mathilda has gotten bored and left for awhile. I am trying very hard to pull myself together. Michelle is having Thanksgiving dinner at her place in Barrie on Sunday so I kind of have to pull myself together. I am so tired of letting people down by canceling plans. This illness has really taken its toll on family and friends and I don’t have many left that are willing to love me more than they hate my illness.

To these people I thank for being my “Bridge Over Troubled Water”

I can see this blog is a bit rambly but my mind is a little numb and unfocused. Probably a good nights sleep and a visit with my daughters will help. And my next entry will hopefully be less down.

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