Here we go again

Ok, I have been on this new medication regime for about 6 months now. I had to change it because I was getting the shakes and trembling so bad I couldn’t do some of the simplest things ~ like drinking coffee or putting on make-up. I was just shaking too hard and the coffee would spill (even while holding it with 2 hands) and make-up? I just can’t do at all. This new  ‘cocktail’ was meant to change that. By taking 2 of my meds that would help the shaking first thing in the morning as well as at night. I have to admit that the shaking problem has lessened quite a bit. But now,… I’m so loaded up on my sedative to combat the shakes that I am now back to being so tired I can’t stay awake. I don’t mean a little bit tired,… I mean cannot even keep my eyes open tired. Last night I must have passed right out (I don’t remember) and woke up at 9 this morning. I didn’t even realize it was Monday today. I seem to have missed a whole afternoon/evening by falling asleep. But the worse  thing is that feeling of  ‘being way too drugged’  Its a horrible feeling. Now my body won’t move when I want it too and my eyes don’t seem to want to stay open. It’s like I’ve slammed 6 drinks into me and now just want to sleep. So, once again, I have found myself on that merry-go-round of what should I do now? Keep this medication regime and feel drunk all the time? Or try another cocktail ~ again ~ to see if it would help this situation?

I’m also feeling a lot more overwhelmed these past few weeks. Just before Christmas I decided that I would start the New Year off by going back to work. I feel like all the help and support and drugs had gotten me to a place where I could finally start looking to get my feet wet and back into the workforce. I was quite excited about it actually. It made me look back at the past 2 or 3 years and realize just how far I have come in getting better ~ or at least having my illness under control ~ But now that the time is here to start acting upon all the plans I had made like getting myself off to an employment agency and up-dating my very old resume, I have had an out and out panic attack. Every time I even think of what I need to do I melt-down. I feel like I have taken 3 steps forward and two steps back. Which is a real shame because I did think I was ready. But my meltdowns have not been pretty. I had once severe one a few weeks ago and had another one last night. I don’t want to delve into my “meltdowns” too much as they are upsetting. Lots of crying,… self-loathing and in my case ~ cutting. It’s like the more I need to get out to work, the more I panic and get totally overwhelmed which leads to bad stuff. I don’t usually talk about just how bad my meltdowns are but this is a blog on my illness and how I do (or don’t) cope with it. I can write about it on here but I never want to talk about it ~ to anyone ~ as I feel so guilty and ashamed. I don’t feel good enough to “fit into” society right now. You start that vicious cycle of self loathing – I’m stupid and could never work anywhere without being a total disaster,… I’m fat,… I’m ugly,… blah blah blah   Those are definitely my bad days (Mathilda can be cruel)

But things have changed to some degree. Since leaving Homewood, I have learned that I am definitely going to have bad days ~ horrible days actually where things are really low. But now I can recognize the ‘spiral’ and I will look at it for what it is and then put it behind me to start a new day. Today is that day. I have picked myself up and dusted myself off and hope to make this day a better one. But the constant tiredness makes it difficult to do anything but get out of bed. So,… back to that repetitive voice in my head that tells me, “Just do 3 things today” At least it gets me out of bed.

I’m trying here. Struggling through this mess but I really am trying hard to be positive.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Aunt Dee
    Feb 10, 2014 @ 19:35:21

    Marissa’ Mom …. who has been a social worker with CAS toronto for over 30 years…. thought you and your girls were absolutedly LOVELY at Christmas…. she couldnt say enough about all of you… knowing a little about may past…. I’m sorry for what your going through….. wanted u to spend Christmas nite…. but thinking YOU needed to get home ….. don’t know what to say……


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