Sometimes only kitty hugs will do

Kitten hug

 

Warning:  This blog entry may be difficult to read due to talk of “cutting” and/or “self-harm” I apologize if anyone is offended.

 

Today is not a good day. The past few weeks have not been good either. I am on a downward spiral. Things seem to be piling up all at once and my mind is becoming overwhelmed with it all.

I can’t seem to just plow through things anymore. Once, when things started going wrong I could see it and make changes to fix it somewhat to the point of getting by. That has been the mission in my life for many many years ~ Just getting by.

 

But the past week I can’t. There is just too much going on that I can’t overcome.

 

The fibromyalgia has become so bad that I can’t do the simplest of things. I can’t lift my arms higher than my waist level,… Dressing is painful,… putting my coat on is especially painful. Turning over in bed,… carrying anything heavy,.. all leave me in pain. I have had fibromyalgia for over 20 years now but it seems to come in peaks and valleys. I tried to shovel my car out of the snow pile but after 10 minutes I was in tears of pain and gave up. I came in the house and did something I rarely do and took some acetaminophen with codeine tablets. I don’t do this often as I’m sure it could be addictive and we all know that’s a slippery slope for me. It doesn’t take the pain away but it does lessen it so it’s bearable for a short time. I can’t tell you how sick and tired I am over having this condition. It wears you down until you just bottom out and fall into a heap of tears on the floor. I’m so over it,… I’m done,…

 

Then there’s the taboo “self harming” I don’t do it often but over the years I have found that I do cut myself when things are getting too overwhelming. I find that cutting is a quick relief of the pain. If even just for that few seconds it takes. Now, years later I have accumulated a myriad of words  on my thighs. Some old scars,… silvery light lines from long ago. Some more recent,… and some brand new. Words of self-loathing and sickness. A reminder everyday of what I have done to release my pain and hatred of myself. A secret, shameful maze of words I hide. I only do it on my thigh as no one sees it there. I take great pains to hide it from the world. Every time I see them, I cringe with shame and embarrassment. This week has been a bad week for cutting.

 

I have been staying inside once again for long periods of time. I have no desire to leave my apartment to go anywhere. It’s just too distressing. So it would seem that all my hard work over the summer of getting out and overcoming my social anxiety has all been for nought. I have taken 5 steps forward and 4 steps  back. I am quickly sliding back into my agoraphobia state.

 

I probably shouldn’t have been so blunt in this blog entry but I always said I would keep this blog real to hopefully give people an understanding of mental illness and how very difficult it is to have it. And right now,… It’s very difficult. I am stuck back in the cave of illness.

 

But,… (as there always seems to be a but,…) who knows what can happen? Next week I could feel 100% better and be writing a fun and humorous post. I can’t tell you though as  mental illness is very unpredictable. I am very unpredictable.

 

Maybe I just need to stop and smell the roses,…. (even if it is the middle of winter) Maybe I just need to concentrate on the great things in my life like family and friends. Maybe I just need a rest from myself (meaning the dreaded going back into hospital) Or maybe just those small things like Kitty cuddles will help. Only time will tell.

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