I really need spring to get here

 

This week has been bad. And it’s only Tuesday,…  I think the long winter contributes a lot. probably to everyone and not only me. It just gets you down when its everyday of cold and snow. But, hopefully spring is finally on its way. I could do with a nice fresh start.

The pain of the fibromyalgia has gotten a lot worse. All because I tried to shovel my car out of the parking lot ~ about a month ago.  The thing with fibromyalgia is you have to keep it under control. You can’t do too much or you will start a pain cycle that is very difficult to get rid of. And right now I am definitely in a pain cycle. I had it under control for so long before this. So I’m really upset with myself for making it worse. I can’t get comfortable to sleep,… dressing isn’t fun either. cleaning has been very hard so I am trying to do just a tiny bit everyday so as not to overwhelm myself and make it worse.

But another reason I’m finding the past few weeks hard is because of what the doctor said at my last appointment. She made it clear that I will never work full-time again,…  I have to admit that I had actually believed that myself but to hear those words out loud made my heart sink. She also made it clear that I would always be on medication ~ which again I sort of knew that but again hearing her say it out loud made it so final. So now I feel so bad about myself. What am I here for then? If I can’t be a contributing member of society then what am I? It makes me feel like a burden. To family and to society. A drain on the system. I will never feel independent ever again. It makes me feel really sad and guilty.

I don’t know. Maybe its just the “cabin fever” of still fighting this damn winter,… Maybe once the nice weather is here I will feel a lot better. You know the saying,… “sometimes a change is as good as a rest”  But until then, I’m just not feeling,.. well. Don’t want to go out anywhere. Getting a bit agoraphobic again. Don’t want to talk to anyone,… see anyone,… or do anything. The depression is slowly coming down and cloaking me again. If it weren’t for my brother & Sister-In-Law I would probably NEVER leave my apartment.

It’s disheartening. Not too long ago I was feeling better about everything. I was able to go out and do more than I have in years. But right now,… I just can’t bring myself to do any of that.

The roller coaster life I lead. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

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