Taking the good with the sad

north park fab four

Its been good,… and its been not so good,… so typical of my illness to keep me juggling both.

A few weeks back I met up with my 3 childhood friends. Ladies who are very dear to me. We don’t see each other as often as we’d like but when we do get together it is like we just pick up where we left off. I don’t have many friends anymore due to my mental illness. Because so many people just don’t understand me that I would rather just be alone with my family instead. But these three girls are different and are very kind and understanding that I feel relaxed around them. Being relaxed around anyone is difficult for me but these friends just treat me ‘normal. We lunched around the pool,… talked about old times,… caught up on our lives now,… It was just a really lovely afternoon.

That same week I had to go to my nieces wedding shower. Just the thought of being in a room with 36 other woman who I only knew a handful of was terrifying. But I did it. And not only did I do it,… I enjoyed it. I was not relaxed. I was very self-conscious. But either no one seemed to notice or I looked more serene than I felt. Either way I did it. Next,… the wedding in October. Again I really want to go but this is a typical social event that I usually freak out about going to. But, I know my family will be there and they too understand so I’m sure if I need to take a breather for a bit and leave they will totally understand.

So to me,… Family and friends are very precious to me.

Then I ran into some issues with one of my daughters and her Dad which I felt I was right in the middle of. I didn’t want to be in the middle of anything but life sometimes gives you challenges you’d rather not have to deal with. To make a long story short, I had to drive her to Brampton to her Grandparents house. This was an unexpected trip. I have not been back to Brampton since my Mothers funeral over 3 years ago. I felt really sad driving her to my Ex-husbands parents. They were always so good to me and I really liked them. But they’re not my ‘family’ anymore. It felt very strange just dropping her off in the driveway and then leaving without even saying hello to them. A wave of sadness came over me while I drove away. Then I made the mistake of driving past my family home. The home I grew up in. The home of many happy memories ~ as well as some very dark memories. I was overcome and just started crying right there, in my car, while I was driving past. And I kept on crying for quite awhile. I was so conscious of my parents having passed on and how much I really missed them and our home and the life I used to have. Now, I don’t have any of those things and it was tearing at my heart. Nothing was ever going to be the same again.

When I got home, I just flopped onto my bed and cried until I fell asleep. I don’t like change and nothing was the same anymore. Both my daughters live quite far away now so I barely have them in my life right now. Over the past years my illness had caused me to lose my family, my home, my friends,… I moved around quite a bit after that making the mistake of thinking each place would be a new start. But it never was. It was just lonely now that everyone was gone. It wasn’t until I moved here to Fergus with my brother and his family that I once again felt the feeling of actually being wanted.

Then,… I heard the news that a famous actor/comedian ~  Robin Williams ~ had died. He had commit suicide. This brought back memories for myself. Dark, dark memories. I think the whole world was wondering why? Why would such a funny and lovely man do such a thing? But I know. Depression. Sometimes you can be in a long and clinical depression or it can come and go for no apparent reason at all. You can be the richest, most beautiful person in the world ~ But sometimes “The Black Fog” (as I have called it) just descends so quickly you don’t even realize your in it. And once a suicidal person has made that decision,… there is usually nothing anyone can do about it. A person in that mind-frame just does not have the capability to know its the wrong answer. I have been in that position a few times. Well-meaning people have dedicated their lives to depression trying to help. But I can tell you with certainty that If someone has made up their mind to commit such an act then they will never call a help or suicide line. They will never call a family member. Because once that decision is made ~ It’s made.

What scares me the most is how quickly it can set in. One day you can be out shopping,… and the next day wake up thinking nothing in the world is right and you don’t deserve to be here. It can happen in just hours. Which is why it is so frightening to me. You just never know when that Black Fog is going to take over. Mental illness especially depression can be a cruel disease.

R.I.P. Robin Williams. Another one who just couldn’t endure the fight any longer.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Aug 18, 2014 @ 07:34:39

    Jacquie, I just wanted to let you know that your rambling has helped me through so many painful and “down” days . Its hard to explain how you can be overwhelmed with utter lonliness when I live in a home full of people. please , keep on bloggin’

    Reply

  2. jacquierose
    Aug 18, 2014 @ 14:01:13

    Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes it feels like I’m all alone. Knowing others feel the same and have to struggle through life lets me know I’m not the only one. Keep in touch 🙂

    Reply

  3. borderlinelil
    Aug 21, 2014 @ 08:06:53

    I’m so happy to see you in this bright new happy blog place! I’ve thought of you often. I need to start blogging again. Maybe you can inspire me! You’re doing well, getting out and about. I took Robin William’s death real hard too. But on one hand it’s like “see – it’s not just me who feels lost”.

    Reply

  4. jacquierose
    Aug 21, 2014 @ 08:56:35

    I’m glad you found me Lil ~ maybe you can send me your blog address so I can add it to this log. Hope all is going well, Would love to hear how your doing 🙂

    Reply

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