Taking a breather

agoraphobic

Oh bloody arses. I’m sick of this waking up stupidly late thing. Didn’t get up until noon today. And then when I do wake up, I’m still tired. I keep threatening my body clock with a good hiding but so far that isn’t helping.

I went to the Doctors this week. I talked to her about this always being fatigued problem but she told me exactly what she has told me for years,… It’s the medication. Over the years, I have been trying many different “cocktails” of meds. And for the past year we have finally found one that works. I have been better now than I have been in 30 years. But, as I have learned sometimes you have to weigh up your options and in this case its ~ Take all the medications and feel better mentally ~ or stop taking the meds which almost always lands me back in the hospital. Apparently all 5 of the meds I’m on have heavy sedation effects.

To compensate this I try and space out all my appointments and things I need to do. Too much in one day can leave me so exhausted the next day I can barely get out of bed. This helps, but as you can imagine it plays havoc on any social life I may have.

I’ve been doing quite well for the past six months and have been going out, shopping, seeing friends,…. It hasn’t been easy but I have done them. I even went to my nieces wedding shower with 36 other women ~ most of whom I don’t even know. That was a hard day but in the end I did enjoy myself. But over the past few weeks I have felt myself ‘slipping’. I seem to be reverting back to my agoraphobic “won’t leave my apartment” state. Maybe I did too much over the past few months and literally ‘spooked’ myself back into hibernating. I don’t know what has happened to put me back here again.  There just doesn’t seem to be any reasoning to this illness.

I know agoraphobia actually means fear of open spaces but I’m not afraid of open space’s at all. I just have this social phobia of talking to or having to interact with people. So what I have is actually a social phobia. But because I end up staying in my apartment I just call it agoraphobia. (So did my psychiatrist)

So for now, I think I’m going to just take things easy. Take a “break” from everything and hopefully I’ll feel stronger and more capable of getting  back to where I had been for the past few months. Right now I’m exhausted and sore (from the fibromyalgia) and just need to pull myself back together. I’m hopeful a little time to myself will help me do that. You can’t fight this disease. I just go along for the ride and it does the navigating. I’m disappointed I’ve lost a bit of footing, but I know it wont be forever. And that’s what gets me out of bed each day and helps me keep on struggling through.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. robbear13
    Aug 28, 2014 @ 11:44:25

    Glad that I have found you again — that you told us your new address.

    Sorry that you are getting “bogged down.” Maybe some more rest would help. And I’m so glad that you are staying out of hospital.

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

    Reply

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