22 days sober

Well here I am ~ 22 days sober and back from Homewood. I am so relieved to be home. How was my stay? Interesting at best. I detoxed,… went through it all again,… Headache that felt like my head was cracking open, sweating profusely,… nausea,… shakes,… It wasn’t very pleasant at all to say the least. By the time I got to the second stage by getting moved to the “lesser disturbed” ward I was finally starting to feel somewhat human again. But that said I still have the sweats and the shakes even today and I’m finding that difficult to live with.

It wasn’t all totally austere. I did meet some great people in there. A group of us bonded ~ how could we not. We were stuck there together with nothing else to do but hang out and get to know each other. We bonded so well we dubbed ourselves “The Real Housewives of Homewood” (How fast do you think TLC would have picked that one up if we were able?)

But now I’m home. My first weekend was great. A dinner with my high school friends ~ my first time out sober. It went well. They were even nice enough to get me non-alcoholic wine. It was a thoughtful gesture and I appreciated it. But I know the rest of the world isn’t going to cater to me like that so it’s going to be a bit hard going into the holiday season knowing I can’t drink. I just keep telling myself take it day by day. And so far – so good.

But now I’ve been out for 5 days. The bleak reality of being on my own hasn’t been as easy as I thought it was going to be. I think people just assume that once your clean your life gets so much better. (and it certainly does in most areas) But what I wasn’t expecting was the tremors to return ~ bad. Remember, I started smoking marijuana to help combat the tremors I was having. And it worked ~ great,… The tremors slowed down to minor shakes that I could live with. But now, I’m into full-blown tremors once again. Because I know that weed worked so well, I know it’s going to be a constant fight with myself to stay clean and not fall back on it. Again, one day at a time. or maybe in my case here, tiny baby steps. There isn’t an hour that goes by that I’m not thinking abut it. I’m sure hoping these urges go away soon. (Do you ever really lose that urge?)

I still can’t get back into the swing of things again. My apartment is still a mess. No laundry has been done. Minor problems (wifi broken, etc,…) turn into major problems when your already overwhelmed. So I shut down again. Physically I am dragging my ass on auto-pilot doing my classes and groups which I still have to do for the next month or so. Technically, I am still a patient at Homewood so have things to finish up to be ‘officially’ off their books. But I didn’t realize how exhausting it was going to be driving into Guelph everyday (well 3 days a week) It’s all I can do right now. There just isn’t the energy or the motivation to do anymore.

And now we have Christmas coming up. Just the thought of it has me hiding under the duvet. So I did something for the first time ever – I told the girls I’m not up to Christmas this year. I’m not up to all the driving to pick them up and bring them back home. I’m not up to shopping,… or decorating,.. or cooking a Christmas meal. I felt like the worst Mother ever. After I told them I just sat and cried. I know they’re adults now and can go to their Dads or cousins but it won’t be the same without them. So I will do what I am able to do and that is go to my brothers (whose only 2 minutes from me) where I can relax more and leave if I get overwhelmed. They have been so understanding and supportive. (I hope my girls understand too,…)

So there we have it. Not a very interesting blog entry but it’s where things sit right now. I just don’t feel up to writing. I’m sure in a week or too things will get easier and I can get back to writing more frequently.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Billy Taylor
    Dec 11, 2014 @ 22:40:41

    Hey im here for ya Jacquie you need anything give me a shout.
    519-994-7290.) (((HUGS)))


  2. robbear13
    Dec 11, 2014 @ 23:01:08

    Health and wellness? Sounds more like Hellness to me. I’m so sad that you have been through all that and still no control over the shakes. But at least you’re dried out. Are you going to keep track of each other, you who are “The Real Housewives of Homewood”? You own informal support group?

    I hope you can survive Christmas with your brother’s. Maybe your daughters will show up there. It actually sounds like a reasonable survival strategy. Merry Christmas if I don’t talk to you before then.

    Me? I’m hibernating. That’s what Bears do in the cold weather. I recommend the practice to Humans, but they seem to find difficulties with the process. Hibernating is such a great way to spend the winter!

    Blessings and Bear hugs, Jackie Rose!


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