Was off my meds,… Need I say more

Well this past week hasn’t been all hearts and roses. I ran out of meds last week and everything went downhill from there. I basically crashed. Didn’t sleep,… didn’t leave my apartment,… didn’t do anything but cry, listen to my Ipod or mindlessly watch TV. I have to admit that for the first time since I got clean and sober, I wanted to smoke pot. I wanted to drink. I wanted to take anything just to numb myself from the horrible feeling of sadness, emptiness and complete and utter fatigue. But I didn’t. (which now means I can say that yesterday I hit my 90 day clean and sober mark) And the worse I got the less I cared. The less I cared the less I didn’t even want to bother going to get more medication. It just wasn’t a good week.

But yesterday I was back at the doctor. I got my “talk” that reminded me that I will always have to take my medication. I will have to take it for the rest of my life. Have to admit its a little hard for the ego to realize that your flawed and will never be able to go medication free. But I get it now. All of last week was a stark reminder of how horrible you feel when your off them. I apologize to the people who care for and support me. It was a blip. A serious blip, but just a blip all the same. So yesterday I went back on them. I’m still feeling crap but I know it will take a few days to start feeling better again.

The bright side to all of this is that I STAYED CLEAN & SOBER even though all I wanted to do was get “numb”. From anything! It reminded me how deep addiction can go and how hard it is to fight it sometimes. But I’m OK now. Hopefully this will never happen again.

OK enough said. I’ll blog again when I’m feeling more like my old self.


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