Anxiety at it’s worst

I will start this blog entry off saying that the past few weeks have been great. I’ve been getting out a lot as well as seeing friends for coffee. Doesn’t sound like much to a “normal” person but to a social phobic its big news. I felt good. I had some motivation and more energy than I have had in a long time. And with spring just around the corner I’m hoping to get outside a lot more. It’s been a long and cold winter and I am starting to feel cabin fever.

But I am still having a lot of problems with my anxiety. Yesterday a friend of mine came over for coffee. He’s been here before so I should be better able to control my anxiety,… but for some reason yesterday was a really bad day for it. My tremors were the worst I have ever had them. My legs shook uncontrollably and my mind was racing. Even small chat was hard. Suddenly I forgot every single word in the English language! Not too embarrassing. 😦

But the worst part was,… My addiction of marijuana hit me like a ton of bricks. I have never wanted to smoke a bowl so badly in my life. I thought I was breezing through this pot addiction recovery. After all I’m at 115 days clean and sober. I guess I was getting a bit over confident and seriously thought the days of wanting it again were over. But yesterday I was so anxious and my tremors out of control that I fell back into the addiction. Luckily,… I didn’t have any so I didn’t smoke any. But I was really upset with myself for being so weak. I guess they’re right when they say once addicted,… always addicted. I have to be more vigilant so this doesn’t happen again.

But, even with yesterdays urge, I am going to look at this situation as a win. The urge was over-powering and yet I didn’t give in. That’s a positive thing, right? Luckily the friend I had over was very understanding. But I still felt really dumb anyway. Anxiety truly is a horrible thing.

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