I messed up BIG time

blog photo

Hi,… My name is Jacquie and I am an addict. I have 8 days clean and sober.

Yup, that’s right,… I succumbed to the devil and ruined my whole sobriety. Not just a little bit,… but in a BIG and dangerous way. I overdosed. No excuses,… It was all my fault,… I should definitely have known better. I took an overdose that landed me in the hospital and quite frankly I am lucky to be alive. I am so regretful,… and remorseful,… ashamed,.. embarrassed,… But that doesn’t lessen the fact that I was a complete and utter idiot. I hurt my family terribly. They have been there right by my side for years working with me and this stupid addiction I have. They have worked overtime to do anything and everything to help me get better. And I mean they were there for me all the time. But now I have hurt them and ruined any trust we ever had. Trust is a respect that you have to earn and now I will be working to rebuild that trust and respect once again. I am a very lucky girl that they didn’t just walk away in frustration this time. I know they have definitely had enough.

It started out like any other pill addiction “bender”. You are feeling so bad that you just can’t take the horrible feelings you have. I just wanted to numb out ~ feel nothing. So I took a few pills. But, as an addict,… that wasn’t enough. I needed to not feel at all. So I took more. By this time I had taken a lot. Once the pill reaction starts you don’t have much control of what your doing anymore. I was completely lost of time and space. I remember very little after this. I apparently wrote a suicide note,… How inebriated I must have been not even to remember doing that,… I barely remember my brother and sister-in-law banging on my door. I let them in and then remember nothing until I woke up in the hospital. This was a serious overdose. My brother and sister-in-law basically saved my life. And I know it. And I am eternally grateful. And that makes me feel even worse for what I did to them.

I think the one big change from all the other pill “benders” I’ve been on ~ and I’ve been on many ~ Is that this time,… something inside of me shook me to my core. Slapped me across the face and woke me up to what I had just done. For the first time ever, I was more aware of what happened. There was absolutely no trivializing this. I got it this time. I mean I really got it.

So,… back into Homewood I went. And this time I was grateful for that week of quiet and reflection. I had a lot of time to think. And I used that time wisely.

 ~~ For what Homewood is and the first time I was there you can look up August 17th 2011 on this blog ~~

https://jacquierose.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/homewood/?preview=true&preview_id=653&preview_nonce=7f7540c55e&post_format=standard

This time I was released after only 5 days. Normally I would have argued that was way too soon for release but I had a lot of things going on that I had started months before to help me with this addiction. I had gone back to CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) here in Fergus. Here I had a psychiatrist,… a social worker,… an outreach worker,… and put on lists for therapy and groups. I’ve even decided that its time to give NA a chance (Narcotics Anonymous) and all these things were just now falling into place. This time I have devoted my priority to my health and well-being and staying sober. Nothing else comes first. Nothing!

  I have also been lucky enough to have a lot of support from friends and family. And this time I will use them. Listen to them and lean on them when times get tough. I will work hard to gain their respect and trust as well. Just a week before I did this I had two friends ‘warn me’ to be careful and I didn’t listen. I am listening now,…. So please give me another chance to prove to you all that I can do this. How stupid of me not to have seen how many people love and care for me. My family is so precious to me ~ how could I have done this to them? ~ I have so much work,… So much work ahead of me. Please be there for me while I fight through it.
Again,… My name is Jacquie ~ and I am an addict ~ and I have 8 days clean and sober. I’m working on making that forever.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: