I’m so confused


The past week has been better. I’m not so depressed anymore. My sleeping is still way out of wack though. (can’t fall asleep at night,… then can’t get out of bed in the morning,…) I have managed to get out a few times with friends and that seems to really help.

I am also going to all of my appointments. I’ve seen my psychiatrist,.. my social worker,… my outreach worker,… as well as my regular doctor. I’m still quite scared from that last overdose and really want to make sure it doesn’t happen again. All these appointments are helping me to learn more about myself and my “mental health issues” and hopefully how to stop another episode like that if it arises again.

But I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed and confused with it all. Yet again, “Homewood” had diagnosed me with yet another illness and half the doctors agree and half the doctors don’t. It leaves me feeling a bit at a loss. Who do I believe has diagnosed me with the right disorder?

I tend to side with my psychiatrist rather than “Homewood” where that doctor only met me once for about 10 minutes,… how on earth do they come up with a diagnosis in such a short amount of time knowing me? And I’ve been in that hospital 3 times now and come out with 3 different diagnosis. Has me wondering if anyone knows what they’re talking about. Not very reassuring,…

So I tend to believe in my family doctor and my psychiatrist. If they are right, I have something called “dissociation” (NOT to be confused with “dissociative Identity disorder which is a multiple personality disorder ~ I definitely DO NOT have that) I haven’t really done any research on it yet, instead just taking in what the psychiatrist is telling me. It’s very confusing and a bit overwhelming. Most alarming to me is that there is no medication for this. I have to learn in therapy what to do to control it. One of the main symptoms seems to be a need to “Zone out” or run away from things. Which is exactly why I became addicted to prescription drugs and weed. What better way not to have to deal with anything? Just pop some pills or smoke some weed and voila ~ you don’t feel any emotions. I’ve been doing it for so many years. Walking around stoned so I don’t have to cope with “stuff”.

Now that I’m sober, I am having to learn to ‘feel’ and face all these new emotions and that can be overwhelming. Just sitting down having coffee with a friend causes me anxiety because now I have to learn to behave sober. I keep thinking everything I do and say is stupid. I have to re-learn how to be social once again (if that makes any sense) and not hide behind an altered state of mind.

There are groups that I will be taking to help with this. One is called DBT (Dialectical Behaviour therapy). Its a year long program that I am now on a waiting list for and its suppose to be one of the best therapies around. I’m looking forward to it but if I’m to be honest I’m a bit scared too as I don’t know what to expect.

I’m also going to an addiction counsellor starting next week and we’ll sort out what needs to happen to help with my addiction to pills and weed. Again, I’m looking forward to getting started finally but somewhat hesitant because again I don’t know what to expect.

I’m feeling overwhelmed with it all but at least I’m moving forward and in a positive direction. And I’m now at a point where I want to get better and am willing to do the work to get that way.

In the meantime, SPRING is definitely here and I have been getting out to enjoy it. That definitely helped with the depression I was feeling. Now, as long as it doesn’t return I can hopefully enjoy the summer.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    May 13, 2015 @ 23:59:25

    What is it that you need help with?…which is why u have an addiction…let me help u “peel back the layers of the onion” i would hope by now u have heard the expression. Is it your Mom thing..(my sister) is it because u were adopted (your Mom thing) Is your failed marriage which a gizzzzzzzzzzillion people have had…an issue…what is it??????? Your kids love you…your family loves you…the taste of drugs…alcohol….and pot…love you….but why? Yes you have fibro..so does a ton of other people I know…..depression…. huge problem when taking all of the above….Thats a big problem for you which i did not realize….yes people say you need to get out and do stuff….yes… they are right…you cant sit in your little apartment by yourself doing NOTHING come on….your a HOLYOAK .. we are pretty strong….


  2. Anonymous
    May 14, 2015 @ 00:02:41

    I can not believe you are the person I knew in Newmarket…..great job…socialable…worked with people everyday…got medical secretary certificate….what the hell happened…..


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: