Tired of defending myself ~ I am what I am

What is it I have an issue with? Someone in my life who I thought understood me obviously doesn’t. I got a comment from them basically scathing me for having “issues” and not understanding what my “issues” are. First to answer that question,… My issues are,… MAJOR DEPRESSION which I have had my whole entire adult life,… An ANXIETY DISORDER,… PTSD,… DISSOCIATION and because of most of the above,… ADDICTION.  That’s it. I’m sorry people don’t understand depression. I’m sorry I can’t explain my behaviours. I’m not complaining about my fibromyalgia or my broken marriage or any other “issues” this person seems to think I have. In fact I try not to complain at all. Which is the point of this blog. To let people know what is going on with me so I don’t have to talk about it. This way they can read my blog if they’re interested in knowing or they can NOT read my blog if they don’t care to hear about it.

You think I was okay for certain times in my life? Well I wasn’t. I tried my best to have a life but depression just knocked me back time and time again. Most times I just smile and hide it which is why you wouldn’t know that even though I worked a whole day it was nearly impossible to get up the next morning to do it all over again. I have good periods and bad periods of depression. And over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding it the best I can.

These comments hurt me. It made it sound like I am just lazy and can just pick myself up and get on with it if only I tried hard enough. Tell that to someone with diabetes or cancer. Would they be offended and hurt if that were to tell them to just get over it? Hell yeah they would be.  I am so tired of trying to explain and defend and justify my illness. If you don’t get it,… please don’t make me feel even worse than I already do by making me feel like I’m just not good enough. You don’t have to because I already feel worthless and hate myself most of the time.

So, NO,… It’s not because of my birth mother … or my adoptive mother … or my failed marriage … or that I have buried two babies or had my two daughters taken away from me for 3 years …  (although those were definitely challenges) It’s because I’m mentally ill. I’m embarrassed and humiliated about my illness and addiction but I keep trying my best.

I had people emailing me “was I okay after those comments” ~ well honestly, no I wasn’t okay with them. I was hurt. And felt really misunderstood.

I hope this has cleared things up.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. B
    May 16, 2015 @ 23:49:24

    You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. No one will ever understand what you go through every day. If they can’t accept it…too bad.


  2. joelsax47
    May 17, 2015 @ 02:11:21

    I found when I stopped explaining myself to most people it helped. The only ones who can stand an explanation are the ones who love you. They have earned the right to it.

    One thing I do, however, is apologize when I have wronged someone. I don’t apologize for living with bipolar disorder, I apologize when I have been aggressive or unfair towards another. This is a habit that is it is best not to let go.


  3. robbear13
    May 30, 2015 @ 11:47:24

    You are doing the best that you can! Who could ask any more of you than that? Who could ask any more than that of anyone?
    Blessings and Bear hugs!


  4. Lori Boudreau
    Jun 10, 2015 @ 01:33:12

    I have suffered from panic disorder and anxiety for years. No one will get it except for you. Big hugs


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