So far so good

2 months clean & soberTonight was a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. My 7th in total. I can’t say I’m enjoying them per se,… but they are helping. There’s something gratifying to be in a room full of people who have fought the fight against drugs. They know what you’ve been through. They know your struggle. There’s a kinship you feel when your all together in that room. Obviously I can’t talk about what is said in these meetings. (hence the anonymous in the name of the group) but I can say the people are warm and non-judgemental making it easy to be real. To be honest to yourself and the people you are sharing with.

And tonight I had the honour of receiving my “2 months sober” tag. May not sound like a big deal. But I’ve had a lot of failures and relapses in the past and I don’t want to repeat that mistake. I mentioned in an earlier blog entry that It feels different this time. When I got out of the hospital from this past episode, I could feel a change and willingness in me that I hadn’t felt before. All my other attempts at sobriety ended in relapse because I didn’t work at getting the tools in place that were going to help me and be my net when I faltered.  I also had a real conversation with my brother that opened my eyes to the amount of pain I was putting all of my family through.  When someone you loves looks you strait in the eye and begs you to finally “get it” ~ that changes you. You ‘get it’

In the beginning I used to think getting all these tags for 1 month,… 2 months,… 6 months,…etc,… was a bit silly. But now, I feel a pride in getting such an achievement. When I’m in that place that has triggered me to want to use, I actually think of those silly tags and how embarrassing it would be to have to admit to this group that I have to start over. It’s a small thing ~ but it has become an important thing to me. There’s an atonement you feel. A real accomplishment.

I still have days where I really want to use and ‘zone-out’ but I’m learning to do certain things to overcome the urge. It’s not easy. In fact its way harder than I ever thought it was going to be. But I have been blessed with resources to help me. This N/A group is the most effective one. But most importantly I have been surrounded with people who love and care for me and are routing for me everyday. A lot of addicts don’t have that. I am blessed.

I’m still fighting my depression. But trying hard to get myself out. Last week I had a really bad few days so I went over to my brothers for the sole purpose of telling them I am depressed and need hugs. I got BIG hugs. Just spending a few minutes with people who care can change the whole course of your day. But that’s not easy to do. Once you are depressed it takes a lot of effort to force yourself to even get out of bed or off the couch. Some days I just can’t manage it. But other days I can. I just never know what state I will be in when I wake up every morning. But I really do try my best. (so be patient with me on the days I just can’t)

I’m always a work in progress.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. robbear13
    May 30, 2015 @ 01:03:15

    Way to go! Small steps ca still cover miles. But small steps, taken toughtfully (perhaps the best word).
    I’ve ben struggling with the flu, but seem to be making progress by small steps, too.
    Blessings and Bear hugs!

    Reply

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