Feeling like I don’t fit in

I don't fit in

I feel like I’m on the outside looking in right now. I don’t really feel connected with anything.

I’m going through a bad sleeping phase right now. Up all night ~ literally not going to bed until the sun is coming up. And then sleeping all day. This isn’t new for me. I have been fighting with this pattern for as many years as I can remember. At times I was lucky enough to find jobs that worked around these hours (York Medical I worked 3:00pm to 3:00am) and same with Tim Horton’s. These hours just seem natural to me. And it feels like my whole life I have been trying to conform to society’s clock. I really do try and change but always end up back to this routine. It causes many problems. Basically you have no social life because your sleeping all day and missing out on everything. The evenings are my ‘mornings’ and my nights are my ‘days’ when I get things done (cleaning, etc,…) And lately I have been going to N/A meetings most evenings not getting home until after 10:00pm. There have been people leaving me messages who are trying to get in touch but I’m either sleeping or at N/A. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is just to find a time to talk with people on the phone. I know this makes me look bad – lazy even,… but it just seems to be,… me. Maybe I was from Shanghai in a past life,… (I know, this isn’t a matter to joke about) I have spoken to many professionals about this issue and there is actually a name for this ‘condition’ (Can’t even remember the name of it now,… something about delayed sleep circadian phase something or other,…) But giving it a name doesn’t help me fix it. And the older I get, the less I care and the less I feel the need to change it. Why can’t I just be ‘backwards’? Because society thinks its wrong and weird. Well I’m beginning to think I just don’t care what society thinks anymore. I’m through being embarrassed about it and keeping it my little secret of why no one can get a hold of me or get me to go out during the day. I’m just a bit of an odd duck I guess and instead of fighting it I’m just going to go with whatever my body clock says,….

This isn’t the only place I don’t feel like I fit into. I have religiously been going to my N/A meetings. But I’m still finding them difficult. Whether its my anxiety and being afraid to talk with people or the fact that I’m quite a bit older than everyone else there, I don’t know. I can’t just walk up to someone and start a conversation (this scares me to death) and I can’t speak during the ‘sharing’ time when we’re suppose to be sharing our history and recovery of drug abuse. One reason is that I feel a bit inferior to a lot of the other members. They all seem so well spoken and quite insightful about their own issues and experiences. I’m just not engaging like I should be. The people are very nice ~ I just can’t seem to integrate into the group. I know this is my issue and not a fault of the group, but I just don’t know how to fix it.

Maybe I’m just having a bad week. But I feel isolated from everyone and everything. Having depression/anxiety/mental health issues does make me ‘different’ from most people to begin with.  Add the addiction problem and the sleep disorder and I sometimes feel like a freak. There are days I feel like only my cat ‘gets me’ and takes me as I am. I guess what I’m trying to say is I have always felt different from ‘normal’ people and sometimes I just don’t care and other times it makes me sad.

On a positive note,…. I have been clean and sober for 81 days ~~~ Only 9 days until I get my 3 month key tag. I haven’t even taken so much as an aspirin. It’s not easy but that’s why I keep going to the meetings regardless of how hard I find them.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. robbear13
    Jun 26, 2015 @ 09:19:21

    HI, Jacquie. Sorry to be slow in replying. And very sorry to hear that your circadian rhythm is out of sync. I still have some problems with that — getting to sleep at 2:00 a.m. and getting up at 10:00 a.m. I guess we all have our own peculiar habits. I “make mine work” by not planning to do things in the morning (except Tuesdays, when I have a regular “coffee date” with a friend — who helps to keep me in contact with the real world). I wish you could have someone like that in your life!
    It’s hot out here, but I still manage to water the garden most days — nothing has died yet, and the grass is looking more or less green! I guess the garden is my “occupational therapy.” That and doing a bit of shopping. And playing with the grandkids when they come over. (They live a couple of blocks away, so we se them fairly often.)
    We’re having +30°C temperatures for the next few days; I think that would be a good time to stay in the basement (and get some extra sleep).
    I do hope you are feeling better, and soon!
    Blessings and Bear hugs!


  2. robbear13
    Jun 26, 2015 @ 09:22:42

    P.S.: Three months of “contented sobriety” is a great sign.Congratulations!
    I just would like to hear that you’re more “contented.” But I suppose we cannot have everything — at least not for a while.


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