Just rambling

I went to see my therapist this week. It was one of the most gruelling sessions I have ever been through. It left me sobbing and completely drained by the time it was over. Everything is so complicated and so many aspects of my life are all colliding together to create a “perfect storm” at the moment. I don’t know if I can condense this into the reader digest version but I will try.

I started taking drugs a long, long time ago. (1989) As you all know I had some things happen that were really difficult to cope with. (The loss of the twins being front and foremost) and it was about this time I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with depression. For the next few years I took my medication as prescribed. In the world of mental illness if there is one thing I’ve learned its that medication does help but you have to try a lot of different ‘cocktails’ to get the right combination of drugs to help. We started and stopped many different medications over a 10 year period. If a medication wasn’t working, I would take that medication and store it away instead of throwing it out. (an addicts behaviour beginning and not even realizing it). So after a few years I had a accumulated a massive amount of drugs. When my marriage began to crumble, I started abusing those stockpiled drugs. I did it to numb out the pain. I would take 2. and if that helped a bit then I may as well try a few more. 4,… 6,.. 8,… whatever it took to get my brain to stop feeling anything. I did this for many, many years. I used them to block out the world and I used them to overdose when things became unbearable. The ‘abuse’ of these drugs had now taken over my life. It was sick. And it was very, very dangerous.

Over the next 10 years through my medication abuse,  I lost my marriage. Then, I lost custody of my daughters. (I don’t think I ever did get over that) and I didn’t see them for 2 and a half  years. I lost all my relationships with family. By the time everything was gone I had a car, and lived in a tiny basement apartment. I found myself very alone and very depressed. The abuse of drugs became rampant. I was now buying drugs off the street. I didn’t care where I got them,…. I didn’t care if I got caught. I just wanted my drugs so that I could drown my life in a cloud of numbness. I eventually got a job,… went to school to get my medical administrator/lab technician degree. I can’t believe I did all this while on drugs. But I did. As long as I didn’t have to ‘feel’ I was invincible. I moved to Newmarket and got a job in my field. The drug use subsided some here. I only used when I was not working. Its a big lie that addicts tell themselves to make using drugs alright. “As long as I only use at home and not while I’m working then I’m not an addict” I am controlling it.

I bought myself a little townhouse and then my eldest daughter came to live with me when she turned 16. Life was getting better. My youngest daughter was even spending her weekends at my house. I had my girls back in my life again! I was thrilled. But, an addict is self destructive. I couldn’t just say “Life is good again so no more drugs” I was physically addicted to them by this time. And I blew it once again when I overdosed. I lost my job. I had to sell my house because I couldn’t afford it anymore. I sank down into a deep depression. I have to say here that over the past 8 years I had been put into psychiatric hospitals at least 4 or 5 times due to overdosing or my drug use. My life was far from normal and even farther from happy. The girls went back to living with their Dad and I was on my own again.

When I fuck up,… the first thing I always do is run away. And this time was no different. I packed up and moved to St. Thomas for the next two years. My drug use increased to the worst it had ever been. I basically walked around in a zombie like fog. I can remember taking so many drugs that I would sleep for 2 days straight. To be honest those two years were such a blur that I can’t even remember them now. I wasn’t able to work. My life revolved around getting drugs,… taking drugs,… and then getting more drugs,… rarely even leaving my apartment. Life in St. Thomas came to an end when I ran out of money and had to look for a lot cheaper place to live. I decided to move back to the Tottenham area.

I moved into a horrible basement apartment that didn’t have heat,… a fridge,… and everything was broken. And the cold. God, the whole time I was there (which was only 2 months) I remember I could never get warm. (check out my blog around February/March 2011) I was overwhelmed and miserable. It was here that I learned my Mother was ill and eventually passed away the following month. My father had passed away earlier back in 2003. It hit me hard. But instead of grieving,… I just took pills to numb out the sadness and loss.

It was here that I moved to Fergus (where I still reside) and renewed my relationship with my brother once again. I was really hoping for a fresh start. But as it always does,… I became severely depressed. I had more overdoses and more hospital stays. The whole drug abuse was getting way out of hand. I was sabotaging everything again.  I was risking my relationship with my daughters and my brother. I knew this, but I couldn’t stop the drug use. It wasn’t until my last and final overdose in March of this year that I finally decided to get some real and serious help for my addiction. You know the rest. As of today, I have remained clean and sober for 133 days. (4 and a half months). I am going to Narcotics anonymous meetings twice a week. I am seeing my doctor regularly to go over my medications and have set up a system where I can only get a weeks worth at a time so I can’t abuse them. I am seeing a therapist. And social workers. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well it took a village to help me get sober. I recognize that this is an on-going battle and my problem hasn’t just gone away. I will always be an addict and I will always fight for my sobriety. But I really do think I have turned a corner now and I have hope for the future.

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Now,… back to my therapist appointment,….

I thought that once I was sober, all my problems would be over and life would be good. I would be happy and healthy and I could have a fresh start to my life. But I am now learning that its just not that easy. Since I have become sober,… I’m still dealing with physical problems that have gotten worse like my fibromyalgia and the essential tremors. My mental health issues have not miraculously gone away either.  None of the problems I had before I started using went away. I was just masking them with drugs so I didn’t have to deal with them. Numb it all away,… Now the numbness is gone and my body can once again ‘feel’. Feeling is a good thing. But it is going to make me have to go back to the beginning of all my issues and deal with them properly. The loss of the twins,… the loss of my parents,… the loss of my marriage,… even the loss of the life I once had being a wife and a mom with kids and dogs and a lovely house. I have none of that anymore. So apparently my therapist has told me that now,… I have to grieve. And I will also have to deal with all the guilt and shame of my abuse and how it effected myself and others. You can’t take back your mistakes. You have to take responsibility for them. I have to deal with the fact that I harmed my children and family. The shame of what I did to my girls alone seems unbearable. How do you make up for something like that? You can’t. You just have to hope that the people you hurt can forgive you. But their scars will still remain and be a part of their lives forever. Whether I intended it to or not my behaviours have forever been engraved in their lives. Have changed their lives. Have hurt them. And that’s an awful lot of guilt and shame that I’m not sure I can deal with. My therapist has been a tremendous help in this. But she can’t do the work for me or feel the pain for me ~ only I can do that. I definitely have a long road ahead of me in coping with all this.

I also still have my mental health issues that will never go away.  Now that I’m not ‘numbing out’ I will have to deal with the depression and social anxiety that has crippled me over the past few years. I’ve talked a lot on this blog about these things. They are very real to me and effect my life every single day. Now I have to fight them without abusing drugs. I’m not sure how I’m ever going to feel like I fit in anywhere. I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable in any social situation and I will probably always have my agoraphobia-like issue of never wanting to leave my apartment. But as my therapist assured me,… I don’t have to deal with all of this at once. I can take each thing and break them down and take each day with baby steps. There is no “due date” for having to cope with life. You do it at your own pace. I will never be “all better”. It’s something I’ve always had and will always have to cope with. But I don’t have to overwhelm myself by doing it all today.

I really like this therapist. She is so insightful. And she has answers. Things I can do to help myself. I feel lucky to have this opportunity.   I know there’s still a lot of work ahead of me, but I feel more positive and hopeful for my future now.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. robbear13
    Aug 13, 2015 @ 00:12:44

    Real light at the end of the tunnel. Awesome! I’m so glad that you are as courageous as you are! And making changes in baby steps.
    Clean for 133 days — hey, that’s over 1/3 of a year! Well done!
    Blessings and Bear hugs as you keep going.
    (These events are Bear approved! No Bears were killed or injured in this redevelopment process by Jacquie Rose.)

    Reply

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