So when did all this start?

agoraphobia is the fear of leaving ones home

                                            34777-hi-SocialAnxietyDisorder3

 


 

atelophobia fear of not being good enough

 

 

Social anxiety,… agoraphobia,… atelophobia,…sociophobia,…. All these names have been used at one time or another by my doctors and therapists. I’m not even sure what they all mean exactly, but I do know my life changed dramatically in 2003 which caused me to hide away within myself. To hate myself and believe that I just wasn’t the same as everyone else and fear the outside world altogether.

I’ve had people ask me “when did all this fear come about? You were pretty social as a child and teenager,… what happened to change you?” I’ll tell you what changed me,… the year 2003.

Without disclosing all the details and the event, I will just say that after a very severe breakdown I landed in a psychiatric hospital. My first extended stay in such an environment. I had pretty much just lost everyone I loved due to my behaviours during this breakdown. I lost everything as I had known it. Nothing would ever be the same for me again.

I had to branch out on my own from here. I couldn’t bear living near all the loved ones who had chosen not to be in my life anymore. So I moved to a different city and tried to start fresh. But instead I found myself becoming extremely introverted.  Sad. Depressed. Fearful. I wasn’t able to make new friends. I found it more and more difficult to go outside. So I hid away in my apartment where it felt safe. And I turned to my only friend at the time – my drugs.

I cannot explain in words just how devastating it is to know your loved ones didn’t want you in their lives anymore. Aside from my Aunt and cousin, there was absolutely no one else in my family left.  I know the reasons why they couldn’t stay in my life,… but that didn’t make it any less difficult to deal with. I was heartbroken. Devastated. The absolute feeling of being totally unwanted was crushing. It caused me to loath myself. And from there on in until this very day, I have never felt good enough for anyone or anything. I also have so much guilt and shame to deal with as well. So I hid away in my self-built prison and deconstructed.

And here I am 12 years later and I still find myself that same hopeless, lost little girl.

Since I have become clean and sober, life is (very, very) slowly getting better. Now that I am able to think clearer and see a future (which I never saw before) I know I can now take the time to work on my self confidence and fears. Its definitely not going to happen over night,… or even any time soon. It’s going to be a long road of work ahead of me. Just thinking of overcoming these deep rooted fears seems all so overwhelming. I will admit that I am afraid.  I don’t even know if I ever will get “better”. The scars of so many abandonments go deep.  But I will try.

I have my therapist who I trust very much.  And a new program from CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) that is starting in a few weeks which I’m told will be of great help to me. I look forward to going. I also have support now. Re-kindled relationships of friends and family. Even my N/A (narcotics anonymous) will be helpful. Again,… it takes a village to raise a child,…. and its taking a village to help me move forward in a positive way.

Once again, I fall back on my tried and true slogan,…. Baby steps.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: