Mental illness & relationships

It’s a gray and drizzly day today. My mood can relate. I’m feeling quite lonely at the moment. Today is one of th0se days where you wish you had a significant other to cuddle up on the couch with and have a movie marathon. But I don’t have a significant other. I don’t think I ever will. I live such a bizarre lifestyle that I don’t think a “normal” person could ever fit into it. I am up all night and sleep all day,.. not to mention my ‘mental’ness’. I have built myself this prison that I can’t seem to get out of. Social anxiety, depression, and all the rest of the quirky traits that make up Mathilda (the name I give my mental illness) are my whole life and no one would understand it enough to even try to break through it. I don’t even understand the isolation and introvert that I have become. I am alone almost all the time. I want to be with people but something inside of me just won’t allow it. And when I do finally venture out and socialize,… I come home mentally exhausted.

It takes a lot out of me to ‘pretend’ to be normal. To hide all my anxiety and fear about being with other people. I come home and I go over every conversation. “I should have said this,… I should n’t have said that,…. why did I say that!? OMG now they think I’m stupid,…”  The diatribe just goes on and on until I feel like the whole world hates me and I can never go out and show my face to anyone again. It’s exhausting.

That seems to be why I get along with all my ‘Homewood’ friends so well. They get me and I feel like I can be myself to a much greater extent. I’m still not fully comfortable but its that much easier.

And as for a significant other? I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I would feel really bad for the man who got stuck with me and all my issues. My ex was a good man but he didn’t know what to do with me.  (I don’t even know what to do with me!) He tried, but as I mentioned earlier, my lifestyle is just so different than everyone else’s its almost impossible to fit into it. But I can’t help think how nice it would be to get wined & dined. To go to a movie. Or a hike. Or a weekend away. To have someone send flowers. Or bring me my favorite ‘chocolaty explosion ice-cream’ for no other reason than ‘just because.’ I can’t even remember the last time I had any of that.

So even though I know the reasoning behind why I don’t have that elusive cuddle partner I long for,  it doesn’t make it any easier to live with. So, I guess today I will just cuddle up with Maggie.

It’s been a while

** Homewood is a psychiatric hospital

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