It’s my Birthday!

It was my 52nd birthday today. Had a great day. Had to actually turn down one invitation I was so busy. Quite the social butterfly! I am feeling especially grateful for this birthday. Because of the past few years,… I doubted that I would even reach this 52 year milestone. But I did. And so I am graciously celebrating. Life may not be perfect. My health could be better (who’s couldn’t?) and there could be a few more bucks in my bank account. But I get by. I will never starve and I have a place to call my own. I have caring and supportive friends and family that didn’t give up on me. And these things are what I am grateful for.

I have been going to my N/A meetings and start my new therapy group this week. So I am (if reluctantly) getting out of the apartment and into the world for a bit. I don’t always like it, but I go. My sleeping is still very erratic ~ up all night,…sleep all day,… but after so many years of this I just don’t think I will ever change. I am just naturally nocturnal I guess.

How is my recovery going. Well,… I am still clean and coming up to my 6 month mark. I will be proud of that. But I know I still have a long way to go. I got sick last week with a painful bladder infection and I wanted to go to painkillers right away. My addicted brain still has that urge to go to pills. I have to be honest and I don’t think I’ve even told anyone this yet, but for the past few years I had been buying my pills on the street. Oxycontin mostly. Sometimes Percocet. Not a lot. They were way too expensive. But enough that made me an addict. But they are all gone now. Prescribed drugs,… street drugs,… all gone out of my life. It wasn’t until I got sick that I realized how powerful the urge to still use is. Thank God I had nothing in my apartment anymore. If I had (even alcohol) I know I would have most definitely used. So my recovery is still not as far along as I thought It would be at 5 months. But who knows,… maybe the urge to use will always be there.

And I am starting to see just how bad my use was. Over the past few months I have been cleaning out cupboards and closets, etc,… trying to give this apartment a good  once over. And while I was doing this, I was finding pills everywhere. A few under the bed,… a couple in drawers,… some in my kitchen cupboards. I guess while I was ‘under the influence’ I would hide some and then never remember doing it. That’s a bit scary to know you can be that out of it. I never felt high while on them but obviously I was. Funny how the longer I am clean, the more I am willing to admit to myself. (and everyone else) I was a typical drug addict. Secretive, manipulative and evasive. If I didn’t tell anyone anything then no one would find out. How naïve. But, I think everything has been cleaned out now so I’m pretty sure this place is drug free.

When I started this recovery process, I had no idea how hard it was going to be. But I’m still in the game. It literally is one day at a time.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. borderlinelil
    Sep 08, 2015 @ 04:32:58

    Happy birthday Jacquie! Keep up your terrific work at sobriety and life xxx


  2. robbear13
    Sep 21, 2015 @ 00:54:15

    Oops! Sorry that I missed your birthday, jacquie! Darn. Well, Happy Belated Birthday. As boderlinelil said, “Keep up your terrific work”!

    I just turned 70 this week (on the 17th). Zero to 70 in — well, um, 70 years (more or less). Not a fast car, much, eh?

    Best news: I think I am starting to feel better. Still get anxious a times, and depressed at times. But I seem to be spending more time with neither of those. This is good news! Hope you get to this place, soon!

    Blessings and Bear hugs!


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