It seems to have been a while since I last wrote an entry in here. My last entry being the bad news of me relapsing.

where am I at now?  I have not taken any drugs/alcohol for months now. But I did start smoking weed again. I smoke it every night to take away my tremors and  fibromyalgia pain. It also helps me to sleep much better. I don’t know what the future holds with that. I want to stop using it but right now I can’t. I don’t have the energy or the willpower.  Maybe I will shoot for a “New Years Resolution” of quitting then.

I am not sitting in a good place right now. I have not gone out of my apartment (except to buy groceries on Tuesdays) for months and months. My depression is bad. In fact, I feel “flat” right now. Here we are 13 days before Christmas and I have done nothing. I am not really doing Christmas this year for a few reasons. The girls can’t come out to see me as both of them are working and can’t get the time off. I think we will try and arrange something in the new year instead of Christmas day. My brother and sister-in-law are going out of town to her family. And My Aunt D is too far away. My car just can’t be trusted anymore for long winter trips. I just don’t trust ol Bella like I used to (Bella is my car). So I will be alone. But, this year I really don’t mind. Christmas for me is just a huge stressor. I just don’t have the money for it.

But because I feel so down,.. I really can’t seem to muster up the Ol holiday spirit at all. I haven’t done a tree or decorations. I haven’t done any shopping. As terrible as this sounds,… I just can’t be bothered with it all. That sounds so “Grinchy” I know,… But I am just not well right now. I just can’t face being with people. I wouldn’t be able to cope with it all. And just knowing I haven’t spent a lot of money that I couldn’t afford in the first place has left me relieved for that aspect of it anyway. I’m just being hit with so much right now. My rent went up,… I’m not making ends meet anymore,… I’m trying to stop smoking weed,…and not being well on top of all this has me feeling too stressed. There are other things going on too but won’t get into everything. Suffice to say, the holiday season isn’t going to be a great one this year.

I have another doctors appointment next week so I’m hoping we can maybe boost up my anti-depressant and see if that helps. Because right now, I am feeling nothing. numb,… No joy,… no desire to do anything,… no energy,… no willpower,… I can’t explain to people what it is to not feel happy or to look forward to anything because you just don’t care. I can’t explain why I have become so agoraphobic,… I can’t explain anything so that people would understand. You just have to live through depression to ‘get’ just how debilitating it is.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. robbear13
    Dec 12, 2015 @ 10:05:03

    “I can’t explain to people what it is to not feel happy or to look forward to anything because you just don’t care.” Oh, I know a feeling like that. I’m just barely above that myself. Drag myself through the day by sleeping lots. That’s about all the energy I have. (My wife has done some things for Christmas; she got the grandchildren to help her.) I’ve been having a lot of problems with my back, too; pain in itself is depressing.
    I do tell myself most mornings that “This is gong to be good day.” That attitude helps some, but it isn’t always workable. And it’s so dark. It’s just about 9:00, and the sun hasn’t shown up yet.
    So, I’m not it great shape.
    But I’m worried about you — you seem to be in much worse shape than I am. At a time of the year when everyone is supposed to he happy. “Supposed to be” — what a terrible idea to put on people! When breathing, sleeping, and eating are about the only things you can do, “happy” can be a bit much. (Actually, a whole lot “much.”) To even think about.
    Too bad we can’t be Bears and hibernate through the winter.
    I guess my goal is to be “all right for the shape I’m in.” I hope you can be that way too. I hope you have a good (for the shape you’re in) Christmas and New Year’s.
    I look forward to hearing again from you, either before or after Christmas/New Year’s. Even if we just share how awful things are. I really like to hear from you!


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