Pulling myself together

Well it has been an event filled few weeks for me. I had the misfortune of having to go into the hospital because I had a stone lodged in my bile duct. 6 days of agony. Can’t remember ever feeling that much pain in my life before. But after 2 procedures (one a regular endoscope to see what was going on and another called ESCP where they did a laparoscopy to removed that one stone. That’s when I started to improve tremendously. But I still have to go back and get my gallbladder taken out. This will happen in a few weeks. But hopefully its going to be a strait forward day surgery with a quick recovery time.

Now,… everyone knows about my addiction issues. I have re-read the past few blogs I have written and it was definitely written by an addict. Why couldn’t I see the dangerous path I was taking once again. Medical marijuana – my ass! weed is a drug and I am a drug addict. Period. Such a simple concept yet I was blinded in denial. As of the first day I went into hospital I knew things were getting out of hand once again. I had been vaping/smoking 4 to 6 times a day for months beforehand. That’s not a casual user. That’s an addict.

But when I went into emergency in severe pain I had the experience of getting very strong narcotics for the pain. They tried morphine,… nothing. They tried 3 or 4 other narcotics and nothing hit the pain. My doctor was surprised at my tolerance of such powerful medications. At last they tried Dilaudid. This is a very powerful drug. My ‘sane’ mind was saying no, no, no,…. I am an addict. I can’t have that. But my addict mind (and the severe pain I was in) didn’t care. So I didn’t tell them I was a drug addict and let them give it to me intravenously. Well,… when I felt that Dilaudid hit my veins, I was instantly enveloped with a warm fuzzy cloud of deliciousness. Instantly it took away the pain but more so it put me right back in addict mode. Wow, where can I get me some of this?? I need more,… and more,… I definitely wanted to chase this dragon again and again. The black beast of addiction had risen to an all time high.

But while in the hospital ~ with no tv, radio or internet,  I had many hours to think. (11 days) My body cleared itself of all pain medications and marijuana and I was back to somewhat ‘clean’. It gave me the opportunity to see the danger I was in from this path I was on. Today,… I have promised myself to climb back up on the ‘recovery’ wagon once again. I have now been 14 days clean. With a little common sense, a lot of willpower and the support of my friends and family I really do wish to succeed in this long journey of recovery. Yes, we have all heard this before. I’m not going to guarantee anything. I can just promise I will try my utmost best in this battle of addiction. No more weed,… no more drugs,…. Sound’s so simple ~ yet it has proven to be the hardest battle I have fought.

It was only after I had been in the hospital that a loved one told me they saw it coming for awhile. That I was acting ‘scattered’ if that makes any sense. But after my stay in hospital they told me I looked so clear. acted much more normal. They felt I was on the right track to the old Jacquie. I had no idea anyone had even noticed my landslide back into the dark.

So no promises ~ but I am going to try this once again. For someone who loves the show Intervention,… I really should see the signs. But I didn’t. An addicted mind is a sick mind and I was right down there in the bottom pit of it.

So in the end,… I think this gallbladder attack has saved my life. It has given me the opportunity to ‘clean out’ and think.

All I can ask you to do is pray for me and wish me well on my latest (but hopefully last) road to sobriety and recovery.