It’s a great day! but,…

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I’m going to go back to my mental illness for this blog. I know my past few entries have been about the addiction and my recovery. But, I think it will be telling for some people to hear how mental illness affects every day life even when things are going well.

Things have been really good for me for the past few weeks. Today, especially, has been great. I got up at 7:00am. That is unheard of for me. I have many sleeping issues so I struggle to get up at a descent hour most days. I went grocery shopping. I went to the library. I did some housework. And its not even 3:00pm yet. This may be a bit hard for some people to understand but these ‘normal’ days for me are few and far between. As a person dealing with mental illness, especially depression and anxiety, ‘normal’ is just not in my vocabulary.

Most days I go to bed late,… wake up late,… I sometimes have the energy to do stuff during the day but a lot of times I don’t. With this social anxiety I have I rarely leave my apartment. With the depression I struggle just to make it through the day. Fatigue and sadness seem to be a permanent companion for me.

Today was good. But,… even though I got up and I felt motivated and happy, Still I fought off emotions. My emotions change quickly and I struggle a lot with the ups and downs every day. My morning was great. I got so much done. I felt happy. But all of a sudden this afternoon, I feel sad and depressed and have been crying on and off. That is what depression does. It steals your positivity. It sneaks in and  knocks you off your feet when you least expect it. And I know a lot of people out there feel like we (people with depression) can just ‘get over it’ if we try hard enough and that all we have to do is pull up our boot straps and get on with it. THIS is what people don’t understand. If I could ‘just get over it’ ~ I would!  I hate feeling this bad. No one ever chooses to feel depressed. I work hard at trying a little bit everyday. I am learning to do what I can ~ when I can ~ But I get overwhelmed and anxious very quickly. I try to space out my errands/app’ts etc,… so I only have one thing a day instead of trying to do it all in one day ~ become overwhelmed ~and then end up a crying heap on the floor because I couldn’t do it all. That just leads to feeling like a failure, and that starts the vicious circle of “I’m not good enough,…” “People just think I’m lazy” “why can’t I just be ‘normal?” and the negativity sets in and makes me feel so inadequate. And that leads me right back to feeling depressed.

But I’m not going to dwell on this afternoon. I just feel grateful I had a great morning. One thing I have learned living this roller coaster existence is ~ tomorrow is another day ~ I can start fresh and put whatever happened today behind me. Depression is a thief. But I deal with it the best way I can.

 

 

 

 

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Christine Davis
    Feb 23, 2016 @ 17:01:49

    Put this quote up at Curves today to inspire and motivate my members on the hard days I think it is very fitting “Start where you are……Use what you have…… Do what you can” Arthur Ashe Celebrate the positive of the day, don’t dwell on the negative. Thinking of you xoxo

    Reply

  2. jacquie
    Feb 23, 2016 @ 18:14:02

    Wise words. I may just put them on my fridge.

    Reply

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