Mathilda is back,… :(

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This whole summer has pretty much been a right-off for me. I don’t even know where to begin to explain it. The paragraph above talks about depression specifically, but those words are so true about my addiction as well. I have always been depressed. Pretty much since adolescence onward. Adding addiction into this mix just makes things that much worse. I have been clean for awhile now ~ I would love to say how proud of myself I am but I would be deceiving everyone.

No marijuana anymore. That certainly was a disaster while I was smoking that everyday. (Such a dirty, smelly business,…) But don’t let me kid you,… I am not perfectly clean and sober. I may have given up the weed. That was just such a huge mess. I lived, ate, slept getting high. My life was really unmanageable. And empty.

I had a bad experience a few weeks back while trying to get some government forms sorted out. They had me running around all over Guelph and Fergus making me go from here to there and not getting help from anyone. By the forth visit, I ended up in floods of tears and just went home. (I can thank my sister-in-law for helping me finally get that mess cleared up) But it seems to have brought me right back to ground zero ~ I find it extremely hard to socialize at the best of times, which is why I hibernate away in my apartment. But I’m getting so much worse. And that ‘incident’ of unfriendly and unhelpful service from all these offices was just the last straw. I cancelled all my plans for July. The only time I have been outside my apartment is to pick up my medications and do groceries every Tuesday afternoon. I go nowhere else anymore. If I do its turn on the Ipod and put my headphones on while shopping. People tend to not talk to you then. (I sound like such a miserable old thing saying that,…) But honestly, Its not being outside of my apartment that is difficult. Its the people out side who I might run into. This is actually really difficult to explain. Words just can’t say how horrible depression and drugs are.

So on to my confession…. I really do hope that people who I love won’t be so disappointed in me. But, I went back to drugs. This time I am using cannabis oil. I just have to mix a drop in my tea. Within 20 minutes the tremors stop,… the anxiety lessons,… (doesn’t help with depression though – I am aware of that) I just have to go with what works best for me. I got into this about 5 or 6 weeks ago and have been using it every evening since. So my addiction rears its ugly head once again. I don’t see a lot wrong with using cannabis oil in moderation. (Ok everybody,.. you can lower your eyebrows now – i know your opinions,…LOL) The (legal) company I get it from have different strains so I always buy the one that is less apt to make me feel high and therefore I feel more able to function. (I have gone through my doctor to get a prescription for it so it is legal – even though I know my doctor isn’t thrilled about me taking any drug) And to be fair it isn’t a miracle drug,… I’m just trading feeling ‘better; – (not ‘completely well’) from how I was so much worse all summer . To me its a dilema I have been fighting for a very long time now. Do whats right? or do what I think is right for me. I don’t think I will ever not have an addiction. I get clean and then I go back to drugs,… At this point, I don’t think I need Homewood,… I know their program and I’ve been through it 3 times now. I wouldn’t go there right now anyway. Its HOT in the summer. Heat turned on,… windows dont open. Having to share a room with someone (yikes, that makes me very uncomfortable)  THAT alone would put me in a worse place. I think I need a complete re-hab program. (who can afford that with no insurance???) After all, I have been abusing drugs for over 20 years. I am tired of all my “issues”. Depression, anxiety, addiction, social phobia… It wears you out. It gets worse with each passing year (especially the social phobia) I have turned into a sad vessel of emptiness. Sometimes it’s very painful to live with.

So that has been me all August,… depressed, sad, sore, and practically agoraphobic. I just learned that my youngest daughter is moving to England. THAT is going to be so hard for me. How do other parents do it? How do they let them go? It has affected my mood greatly. Don’t get me wrong, I think its a wonderful opportunity for her but Me,… Mom,… is taking it very hard. I want to go see Michelle too to as I haven’t seen her in a bit, but now something is wrong with my car again. Brakes I think. And haven’t managed to get out there. I really do miss my girls. I had them taken away from me in 2003 for nearly 3 years. (And its taken me 10 years to finally admit that I was NOT in a right state of mind to  care for them. When they did come back into my life again it wasn’t the same. They were teenagers/adults by then and so they were focused on their own lives, so I feel I lost that really precious bond I had with them before “life got in the way” and they were removed from my care. I can never forgive myself for that happening either. I feel like I was a bad mother and that my girls suffered because of it. Because of me,… Thats painful to live with. And this week I have been struggling with all these thoughts a lot. Guilt can eat your soul,…

So,… about this week. ..It all sort of came to a head. I’m not going to get into a lot of detail as its not the details that count,… Lets just say there was  vodka and pain pills on top of the cannabis oil. Cutting , crying, and just feeling totally useless and sad. For the most part I feel better today. But its been a hell of a week.  (Too much information?? ~ I don’t think so). Sometimes you just have to tell it like it is. Mental illness is not a joke and people need to realize how horrible it can get. No matter how sad and disturbing. I am just a person who struggles to get by in life. I really do worry that people just think I’m exaggerating and just want attention or whatever. But that is not it at all. I just want my friends and loved ones to get that I’m not always ‘well’. And I do get better. And I live looking forward to the ‘better’ times I have had and will continue to have,…

Its just that this summer has been a struggle. And here we are almost into September already. I missed the whole summer by living inside. Sad isn’t it?

And to the North Park 4,… You girls mean the world to me and I wish I could do stuff with you all the time. Your lovely to be with and I never want to lose that. But most of all, thank you so much for understanding. I have lost more friends and family because of my illness and addiction. You 3 have proved to me you care many times. Your my BFF’s 🙂 And my brother and sister-in-law have always been very supportive of me and my health. I am extremely lucky to have such support.

So, that’s my blog entry for this month. Sorry it wasn’t very uplifting.  And to ease your minds,… I feel ‘safe’ today so I don’t want anyone worrying. I am just going to ride this out until things get better.

 

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Hayley Allport
    Aug 27, 2016 @ 09:29:15

    Sorry to hear you are struggling I often think of you I feel we have a lot in common. Firstly you are not a bad mum you love your girls you have just been ill and secondly don’t beat yourself up for trying to find something to ease you pain, Natalie tried cannabis oil for her chronic pain but it gave her chest pains and palpitations just be careful. I am struggling too at the moment the night times are the worst but like you I’m fighting it and will get better. If you want me to give you my contact details for when Hayley comes to England just let me know and if she needs anything at all she just has to shout. Keep fighting sending lots of love Hayley xxx

    Reply

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