Time seems to be flying by much faster this time around. My sober days are adding up and I feel better and better with each passing day. Nearly 2 months without alcohol, pot or pills,… I am clean!
How do I feel physically? The most noticeable change I see is my emotions. I am no longer masking any of my feelings so my emotions have all bubbled up to the surface. When I laugh ~ it’s hysterically until i cant breath. When I cry ~ I breakdown and sob. I guess I am still going to have to learn to channel my emotions to make them more appropriate to the situation. I actually broke down in tears over the show Survivor tonight,… I cry during diaper commercials,… and laughing at something as dumb as my cat that isn’t really that funny.
But the biggest and probably the most dangerous feelings I get now are feeling complete shame and guilt for all the bad things that I have done. I was going to say because of my mental illness, but I don’t want to blame anyone or thing for my actions as they were my actions alone. But everything is now realized. (if that makes any sense) My depression feels deeper. After all,… it was my mental illness that caused me to start the chaotic road to addiction. I needed to mask everything,… And for so many years I was able to “numb out” and therefore not feel responsible for the things that I have done. Now that I am sober and thinking with a clear head, I now have to feel the shame and guilt and remorse for past transgressions. Some of the things I have done have hurt a lot of people that I love and they may have forgiven me for them (or not,… I really dont know),… but I don’t know if I can forgive myself. And I have definitely been struggling with this for the past two months. Sometimes a sober brain is too overwhelming. My first instinct is to use. But I have been successful at not doing that (so far) and I do feel strong enough that I can continue to stay clean.
But,… what to do with all this shame? Obviously my road to recovery is not finished.