May be disturbing to read

I have been hibernating from the world for many years now. And its been damn lonely. But I just can’t handle all the drama that goes along with relationships ~ parents, siblings, significant others,…there’s always drama. I can’t cope with drama. I’m an introvert. When at a party I’m the one in the corner playing with the kids or the pets. I dont know how to socialize like most people. People find socializing fun and love it. I find it terrifying. And after this week I think its time to hide away back into my cave for a bit of a breather.

Now  I don’t have many friends but the few friends I do have are brilliant. They understand my ‘weirdness’ and introverting ways. They know My heart is susceptible to being really tender to harsh words.

Now, It seems someone isn’t talking to me because he/she is too mad right now. Miscommunication can be a bitch. I mean this person is furious with me. I’ve always loved this person and I thought we had a brilliant relationship together. But now,… all their anger (and there’s so much anger,…) just seemed to drop out of nowhere. I relapsed on my sobriety.  But I can’t figure out anything else I did wrong to warrant this kind of anger. Supposedly I lied, cheated, and hate their family (which I dont – I love this family like it were my own) Things are coming out of the woodwork about stuff from years ago and I just cant deal with this.

I wanted so badly to hurt myself. You know,..if they say I lost my sobriety then so be it (I did lose it by the way for less than a week) I’m so hurt. Really hurt because they won’t even tell me what it is that I’ve done wrong. I called a friend who was out of town, and then my daughter (although you don’t want to upset her so I said nothing) I just wanted to hear her voice.,And then,… I know this isn’t pretty or politically correct to talk about, but I am. People have to know what happens when people with mental health issues get upset. I cut. I cut my thighs,.. I cut my other thigh,… and then my arms,… I finally stopped and fell to a puddle on the floor.

One of my thighs reads “they always leave” and my past has proven that. Everyone I love has left my life. The other thigh spells out “I hate me“. I don’t care what people think about this disturbing behavior and why I have chooses to put it on my blog. I can hear them all now – “She just wants attention,…”  But I can promise you that is not true. Do you know what its like to go out in public with cut marks all over your arms and legs for people to see? It’s humiliating.

But there are thousands of us cutters out there in the world ( I mean thousands!) who hurt themselves so they can feel pain and know that they are indeed real. I never could handle stress or drama or having to wait for people to be ready before they will tell me what is wrong,..

I’m ashamed of my cutting but I think it ‘s extremely important that people know everyone’s heart is not the same. Some of us can cope and others self destruct (with drugs, alcohol or hurting themselves – or even all 3,…)

If people want to laugh at this or joke that I’m weak or being a drama Queen, then by all means feel that way.

Just also remember some of us have mental health issues and we try our best to be the same as everyone else, but sometimes we can’t and that sucks.

Sorry about the topic but I want everyone to understand that this is a disturbing but extremely common thing to do when you have low self esteem and feel totally unloved.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. robbear13
    Jul 24, 2017 @ 01:36:17

    Oh, Jacquie: I am so, so sad to read all this. Especially the bit about the cutting. I want to come down the phone line, pop out of your computer, and give you a big Bear hug. Or two, or three.
    I understand about being the introvert. Sit in the corner and play with the dogs. Yup, been there and done that. Or see another lonely soul in a corner, and talk to that person. Not too much threat in that.
    When you were cutting, did you end up in hospital and get the wounds tended to? I really hope you did. Those can get dangerously infected! (Sorry; you know about that already; just hoping you got that immediate help.)
    Mental health issues. Especially people to help when you hit bottom. Not nearly enough of them are around. So we have to help each other most of the time! Not great, but better than nothing.
    Blessings and Bear hugs, Jaquie!

    Reply

  2. Kristy
    Jul 30, 2017 @ 15:35:01

    I have been reading your old blog and new blog for years. You really have grown leaps and bounds. Let this be a road bump in guilt and shame . Maybe, in the programme you start over but you have travelled a long ways and no one can take that away. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to move forward without judgement. You judge yourself the worse. Hugs.

    Reply

  3. jacquie
    Jul 30, 2017 @ 22:56:08

    Thank you Kristy. It’s always nice to hear from others. Sometimes you feel like your fighting the whole world alone.

    Reply

  4. Catherine
    Aug 03, 2017 @ 13:00:35

    Hi Jacquie. I stumbled across your blog while researching Homewood as I am waiting on my funding to be approved to go. I have been diagnosed with a multitude of mental health issues and am having a really hard time to accept them. Mental illness has always been a part of my life as well. I have been chronically depressed since I was a young teenager. We have a lot of the same story and feelings . which is why I was so drawn, and addicted to your blog. I am so sorry for all the hurt you have and still are going through It isn’t an easy road for anyone and its especially hard when you isolate. Which I try really hard to do but my wife (who is social worker) wont let me. I understand all of your feelings as it pretty much sums up me and my life. I want to say your blog helped me through a few tough days, as I would read it to keep my mind otherwise occupied. I to have addictions that I am not sure I’m ready to give up as it numbs me. I know your story all to well. I hope nothing but the best for you and am here if you would like to chat or anything, Its always nice to talk to someone who understands.

    Reply

    • jacquie
      Aug 03, 2017 @ 21:58:21

      Thank you for commenting. Its always sad to hear of someone else who struggles with mental health and addiction. Hope we can keep in touch (do you have a blog too?) You must be kind of local to be going into Homewood. (I’ve been in there about 5 times now) email me if you want at jrholyoak63@hotmail.com

      Reply

  5. Catherine
    Aug 17, 2017 @ 04:52:10

    I don’t have a blog, although I write as though I should. I had sent you and email a couple weeks back, figured it ended up in junk mail. I am pretty local, Guelph is 1.5 hours from me.

    Reply

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