11 days sober

Well Christmas has come and gone and we’re nearly into March. I don’t know where the time goes.

To continue on,…  My pot run has come to yet another end. As always it started out fine. It helps me with pain and it helps me sleep. Not to mention I just really enjoy the buzz. But as usual I started off slowly. Small amounts and only before bed. But six months later it had evolved into larger amounts and multiple usage throughout the day. This is how an addict rolls. Once you start,… you chase that high. Needing more and more.

As an addict,… I have always been compelled by my destructive secrets and shady behaviour. The biggest one being that I stock-pile my medication. If I forget to take anything, instead of throwing that medication away I hide it. I have done this for over 20 years. You can only imagine the abundance of pills that I have amassed. And then when I hit a rough day I take the pills in this cache. It starts out slowly because I am only wanting to get high and make the world go away for awhile. But then I hit a point where my judgement is impaired. And in that critical time I take more. Until I have taken way too many and end up overdosing.

And that is what happened two weeks ago. From my stash I took too many and ended up in the hospital,… yet again,… It’s extremely destructive behaviour but as any addict will tell you, the high comes before safety and all rational. Drugs are a gamblers game.

This led to my doctor suggesting we remove one of my daily medications. Clonazepan. It’s what is referred to as an Benzodiazepine. It can be a pretty serious medication. I had been on it for well over 10 years. My body was used to it. But making the decision to discontinue this, I was told the withdrawl was going to be unpleasant. I was told they could last for quite some time and only start to fade in three to four weeks. And even then it could still be possible to have symptoms. And so starting 5 days ago I stopped this medication. The withdrawls were nasty. In fact today is the first day I have felt somewhat human again. I had the normal stuff. Lets just say flu-like symptoms. But it also has a psychological aspect to it as well. The most noticeable is I just can’t sleep! For years I have been relying on this drug and pot to help me to sleep. Now that I have neither, my nerves feel like they are amplified. I am irritated. Jittery. I feel like I have become disconnected with the world around me. Everything is too loud,… too bright,… too intense. I’m hoping this will fade soon as it’s quite unnerving.

And so,… with this all happening I have had to get sober once again. No more pot. No booze. No pills. I have been successful now for 11 days.

On to a more positive topic. I have met someone. I met him 6 months ago. And since that time I have immensely enjoyed our time together. Only drawback? He is married. It is a situation where he is living in a strained marriage. I won’t get into all the ins and outs but we are planning a happy ending in time. How do I feel about this? I’m not happy that he’s married. But I do trust him in his telling me that things will change in due course. This is one time in life that I am willing to take a risk and keep on seeing him. It’s worth it to me to take the chance. Only time will tell how it works out. But obviously I hope for the best.

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