Life is good

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Life couldn’t be any better right now.

I have been sober for 1 month and 14 days. And I have no cravings or desire to go back to my past life of addiction. I have done a complete 180º on my lifestyle.

I go to bed at a normal time every night. And wake up early. I have been going to the pool three times a week taking aqua fit geared for people with fibromyalgia. And it has helped. I still have pain but its easier to cope with now. My relationship with K*** couldn’t be better.

The medication I am on now seems to be doing the trick. I am happy, stable and well-balanced. I am really enjoying my life right now. I understand things could change at any time but I am working very hard to stay sober and live a life of quality instead of just existing.

I have plans for the future. Which I’m excited about. I enjoy seeing people again. Doing things instead of hibernating in my apartment. There just really isn’t anything negative going on.

I only hope and pray things will continue on so positively. Fingers crossed.

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11 days sober

Well Christmas has come and gone and we’re nearly into March. I don’t know where the time goes.

To continue on,…  My pot run has come to yet another end. As always it started out fine. It helps me with pain and it helps me sleep. Not to mention I just really enjoy the buzz. But as usual I started off slowly. Small amounts and only before bed. But six months later it had evolved into larger amounts and multiple usage throughout the day. This is how an addict rolls. Once you start,… you chase that high. Needing more and more.

As an addict,… I have always been compelled by my destructive secrets and shady behaviour. The biggest one being that I stock-pile my medication. If I forget to take anything, instead of throwing that medication away I hide it. I have done this for over 20 years. You can only imagine the abundance of pills that I have amassed. And then when I hit a rough day I take the pills in this cache. It starts out slowly because I am only wanting to get high and make the world go away for awhile. But then I hit a point where my judgement is impaired. And in that critical time I take more. Until I have taken way too many and end up overdosing.

And that is what happened two weeks ago. From my stash I took too many and ended up in the hospital,… yet again,… It’s extremely destructive behaviour but as any addict will tell you, the high comes before safety and all rational. Drugs are a gamblers game.

This led to my doctor suggesting we remove one of my daily medications. Clonazepan. It’s what is referred to as an Benzodiazepine. It can be a pretty serious medication. I had been on it for well over 10 years. My body was used to it. But making the decision to discontinue this, I was told the withdrawl was going to be unpleasant. I was told they could last for quite some time and only start to fade in three to four weeks. And even then it could still be possible to have symptoms. And so starting 5 days ago I stopped this medication. The withdrawls were nasty. In fact today is the first day I have felt somewhat human again. I had the normal stuff. Lets just say flu-like symptoms. But it also has a psychological aspect to it as well. The most noticeable is I just can’t sleep! For years I have been relying on this drug and pot to help me to sleep. Now that I have neither, my nerves feel like they are amplified. I am irritated. Jittery. I feel like I have become disconnected with the world around me. Everything is too loud,… too bright,… too intense. I’m hoping this will fade soon as it’s quite unnerving.

And so,… with this all happening I have had to get sober once again. No more pot. No booze. No pills. I have been successful now for 11 days.

On to a more positive topic. I have met someone. I met him 6 months ago. And since that time I have immensely enjoyed our time together. Only drawback? He is married. It is a situation where he is living in a strained marriage. I won’t get into all the ins and outs but we are planning a happy ending in time. How do I feel about this? I’m not happy that he’s married. But I do trust him in his telling me that things will change in due course. This is one time in life that I am willing to take a risk and keep on seeing him. It’s worth it to me to take the chance. Only time will tell how it works out. But obviously I hope for the best.

Pot, Christmas & the married plumber

 

well its been 3 months since I last blogged so there may be a lot to say.

I’m just gonna come out and say it. I am smoking pot again. An addict is an addict is an addict,…. I have no desire or urge to take pills again but I really missed smoking my weed in the evenings. Through a mutual friend I found a guy I now get my weed from. This has turned into a relationship. I go visit him every Saturday to get my weed. We hang out. We listen to music,…watch TV,…. smoke a little weed and have some laughs. He’s a great guy and Saturdays have become one of my favorite days.

My doctor and my drug counselor and my group all know I went back to marijuana. I felt being honest was the best way to go. I know no one is happy about it. But at least its just weed.

In November I met a guy. We started dating and I really liked him. It was just nice to have someone in my life again. He went over the top spoiling me with dinners out, etc,…. He had a way of making me feel special. I thought maybe this could be something really great for me. But it wasn’t long before I discovered he was married. I was disappointed and hurt. And really embarrassed as so many people knew we were dating. Now how do I tell them he was married and I no longer see him. I feel really foolish. So no more Mr. married plumber,

My new medication has been working extremely well for me. (Well new as in many months ago now) I feel happy and content. I have been socializing much more than I ever have. In fact,… I’ve been quite ‘high’ I think I might have some of the symptoms for bipolar mania right now. Abnormally upbeat,  Increased activity and energy. Agitation. Not a lot of need for sleep. Making bad choices and decisions. Sometimes saying inappropriate things at the wrong time and place. Becoming fixated on certain aspects of my life. But I don’t care. I’m just so relieved to not feel depressed or have no energy or motivation for once. I’m just going to enjoy the ride and hope I come out the other side unscathed. It’s hard to know whats going on because their have been debates between doctors whether I am indeed bi-polar or not. Some say yes and some say no. (??) Who knows.  Maybe I’m just happy and not bipolar at all.

Well Christmas is coming in quickly. I have finished all of my shopping already. I am having Hayley here on Christmas Eve (Yes, she has now arrived back home from her year and a half in England ~ Cannot wait to see her!!) and then going to Michelle’s Christmas day. I already got an early Christmas prezzie from my brother and sister-in-law. Glen took me to see Jason Bonham. What an awesome concert that was. I have always wanted to see him play. And of course it’s the nearest I’ll get to seeing Led Zeppelin. It was a rockin good night.

And on to some sad news. In 2003 and 2004 I dated and lived with a guy named Rob. He was so awesome. He picked up the pieces after some very traumatic stuff going on in my life back then. (namely losing my girls and my home) He was so kind and caring and spoiled me rotten. We were very close. But when my separation agreement was finalized from my ex husband, part of it stipulated that I could not co-habitat with anyone else or I forfeit my spousal support which I needed very badly. Sadly I moved out into my own place. Rob and I lost touch. He is the last man I ever loved. I looked for him over the years but never could find him. It isn’t until now that I learn he commit suicide years ago. I was shocked to hear this. It broke my heart. And to make it worse, I can’t find anyone who can tell me what happened. Or where he is buried so I can at least go say good bye to him. It frustrates and saddens me that I’ll probably never know what happened and when. It has bothered me so much it’s all I can think about. Just so very sad.

So, that has been my life for the past few months.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This heat wave is killing me

Well, this post will show you just how fast things can change for me.  Four days ago I was out with 3 of my childhood friends and had the best time ever. We went to this really pretty restaurant and had dinner. After dinner there was a fire we sat around while drinking coffee and chatting. It was an amazing evening.

But now,… things have changed. I don’t know if its this heat wave or what but,… I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in 3 consecutive nights. I don’t mean in bed tossing and turning. I mean not even in bed feeling like I have had 18 cups of coffee. Not the least bit tired at all. I am so sleep deprived I feel like I’m on drugs. My doctor had given me a temporary medication to help me with that as I’ve been having trouble for a few months now. But its not helping at all. Now my concern is that the new medication that has been so helpful and has made me feel real happiness in well,… years,… has swung too far the other way. Instead of being sad and low,… it has made my mind wired. The weird part is that I have gone back to not wanting to leave my apartment again. I think for the most part because I haven’t slept and am wanting to stay inside to nap during the day (but can only catch an hour or two)  and I don’t want to see people when I’m like this.

How on earth can I change so drastically so quickly? People have offered me their homes to sleep in during this heat and horrible humidity, but I can’t because I’m not actually able to sleep. I would just be up all night bothering everyone. I have booked a doctors appointment for next week. I think this is serious enough to get in there and talk with her sooner rather than later.

I hate having mental illness for this exact reason. You think your on a great medical cocktail that is finally working for you, but then all of a sudden some difficult symptom appears that really throws you into a spin. One that effects you so bad you can’t really function normally. Why can’t I just be normal???

Things are going well

Well I have moved. Things went so much smoother than I anticipated. Probably due to the fact that I had so much help and support. I have completely unpacked but still have decorating to do (hang pictures etc,…) so I have a bunch of stuff laying about that needs doing. But the apartment itself I LOVE! Everything about it is so much better. Its new. It’s clean. There are NO more stairs for me to climb so laundry and bringing in groceries is so much easier. I’m now on the 3rd floor so It’s so bright. I have full windows right across the whole side. Maggie took a few weeks to get acclimatized but she loves it now. Mainly because I let her on the balcony, which going outside is new to her,  and she loves it. She never wants to come in now.

I have been really happy lately. I changed my medication a few months back and things have been great since. No side effects with this new anti-depressant. I have had no depression what-so-ever. In fact my life has been good and I’m feeling really content and optimistic about it. I haven’t felt this good in years. Only downfall is I have had a LOT of anxiety. But I’m putting that down to the move and everything that goes along with that. I haven’t been sleeping either but my doctor gave me a few weeks of some medication to help me with that. So I’m hoping things return to “My” normal soon.

Tomorrow I start a new course from CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) It’s for people who have tried to commit suicide. I don’t know much about it yet as it’s just starting. It goes for 20 weeks ~ every Wednesday afternoon. But if it can help then It’s important for me to go for the whole 5 months.I’m quite nervous about it actually.I have a social anxiety so I find it difficult walking into a room full of people I don’t know. And I find it difficult talking about myself to strangers.  But I guess I will just put on my big girl pants and get on with it.

Sobriety? I slipped on July 18th so i guess my number of sober days is 64. Just over 2 months. Not the best,… but I’m working hard to keep those numbers rising.

And that’s how life has been for me lately. Everything is GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. Best they have been in years. A little worrying that,…. I almost feel like things are going too good and something is going to break. But I’m not going to dwell. I’m just going to live each day the best I can.

 

 

Stress, anxiety and a bad week

This week hasn’t been one of my better weeks. With the up coming move only 5 days away my anxiety is nearly unbearable. I can’t sleep. My nights are full of worrying and overthinking everything until I’m frozen and cant function at all. Luckily I have done 90% of the packing over the past few months.

I haven’t slept for about 3 or 4 nights. Then last night I just fell into an exhausted heep at 7:30pm and didn’t wake up until 2 the next afternoon (nearly 18 hours later!) obviously I needed this sleep. But I woke up sobbing and screaming after having one of “those dreams” I have PTSD over something that happened about 13 years ago. (and then kept happening for another 5 or so) I wont go into what it was but it affected me to my very core. And since then, I have been having these dreams where its all happening  over and over again. I wake up right in the very moment. Its terribly frightening and very painful. It usually takes me all day to feel somewhat normal again. I think it happened just because of the stress of the move and getting very little sleep. Its now 1:30 in the morning and I still feel numb and sad and affected by it. I don’t talk to anyone about it except my doctor. I think it would be quite helpful if I could talk about it but I can’t.

Anyway, it has happened at a really inconvenient time. I have so much to do this week. But I’m now feeling numb and can’t seem to pull myself together. I’m hoping I can get a good sleep tonight and wake up to a new day. All I have to do is hold myself together for another week. Just keep moving. Keep packing. Keep going to all the appointments,… And then, once I’m finally moved I can hopefully just plop down and relax.

May be disturbing to read

I have been hibernating from the world for many years now. And its been damn lonely. But I just can’t handle all the drama that goes along with relationships ~ parents, siblings, significant others,…there’s always drama. I can’t cope with drama. I’m an introvert. When at a party I’m the one in the corner playing with the kids or the pets. I dont know how to socialize like most people. People find socializing fun and love it. I find it terrifying. And after this week I think its time to hide away back into my cave for a bit of a breather.

Now  I don’t have many friends but the few friends I do have are brilliant. They understand my ‘weirdness’ and introverting ways. They know My heart is susceptible to being really tender to harsh words.

Now, It seems someone isn’t talking to me because he/she is too mad right now. Miscommunication can be a bitch. I mean this person is furious with me. I’ve always loved this person and I thought we had a brilliant relationship together. But now,… all their anger (and there’s so much anger,…) just seemed to drop out of nowhere. I relapsed on my sobriety.  But I can’t figure out anything else I did wrong to warrant this kind of anger. Supposedly I lied, cheated, and hate their family (which I dont – I love this family like it were my own) Things are coming out of the woodwork about stuff from years ago and I just cant deal with this.

I wanted so badly to hurt myself. You know,..if they say I lost my sobriety then so be it (I did lose it by the way for less than a week) I’m so hurt. Really hurt because they won’t even tell me what it is that I’ve done wrong. I called a friend who was out of town, and then my daughter (although you don’t want to upset her so I said nothing) I just wanted to hear her voice.,And then,… I know this isn’t pretty or politically correct to talk about, but I am. People have to know what happens when people with mental health issues get upset. I cut. I cut my thighs,.. I cut my other thigh,… and then my arms,… I finally stopped and fell to a puddle on the floor.

One of my thighs reads “they always leave” and my past has proven that. Everyone I love has left my life. The other thigh spells out “I hate me“. I don’t care what people think about this disturbing behavior and why I have chooses to put it on my blog. I can hear them all now – “She just wants attention,…”  But I can promise you that is not true. Do you know what its like to go out in public with cut marks all over your arms and legs for people to see? It’s humiliating.

But there are thousands of us cutters out there in the world ( I mean thousands!) who hurt themselves so they can feel pain and know that they are indeed real. I never could handle stress or drama or having to wait for people to be ready before they will tell me what is wrong,..

I’m ashamed of my cutting but I think it ‘s extremely important that people know everyone’s heart is not the same. Some of us can cope and others self destruct (with drugs, alcohol or hurting themselves – or even all 3,…)

If people want to laugh at this or joke that I’m weak or being a drama Queen, then by all means feel that way.

Just also remember some of us have mental health issues and we try our best to be the same as everyone else, but sometimes we can’t and that sucks.

Sorry about the topic but I want everyone to understand that this is a disturbing but extremely common thing to do when you have low self esteem and feel totally unloved.

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