This heat wave is killing me

Well, this post will show you just how fast things can change for me.  Four days ago I was out with 3 of my childhood friends and had the best time ever. We went to this really pretty restaurant and had dinner. After dinner there was a fire we sat around while drinking coffee and chatting. It was an amazing evening.

But now,… things have changed. I don’t know if its this heat wave or what but,… I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in 3 consecutive nights. I don’t mean in bed tossing and turning. I mean not even in bed feeling like I have had 18 cups of coffee. Not the least bit tired at all. I am so sleep deprived I feel like I’m on drugs. My doctor had given me a temporary medication to help me with that as I’ve been having trouble for a few months now. But its not helping at all. Now my concern is that the new medication that has been so helpful and has made me feel real happiness in well,… years,… has swung too far the other way. Instead of being sad and low,… it has made my mind wired. The weird part is that I have gone back to not wanting to leave my apartment again. I think for the most part because I haven’t slept and am wanting to stay inside to nap during the day (but can only catch an hour or two)  and I don’t want to see people when I’m like this.

How on earth can I change so drastically so quickly? People have offered me their homes to sleep in during this heat and horrible humidity, but I can’t because I’m not actually able to sleep. I would just be up all night bothering everyone. I have booked a doctors appointment for next week. I think this is serious enough to get in there and talk with her sooner rather than later.

I hate having mental illness for this exact reason. You think your on a great medical cocktail that is finally working for you, but then all of a sudden some difficult symptom appears that really throws you into a spin. One that effects you so bad you can’t really function normally. Why can’t I just be normal???


Things are going well

Well I have moved. Things went so much smoother than I anticipated. Probably due to the fact that I had so much help and support. I have completely unpacked but still have decorating to do (hang pictures etc,…) so I have a bunch of stuff laying about that needs doing. But the apartment itself I LOVE! Everything about it is so much better. Its new. It’s clean. There are NO more stairs for me to climb so laundry and bringing in groceries is so much easier. I’m now on the 3rd floor so It’s so bright. I have full windows right across the whole side. Maggie took a few weeks to get acclimatized but she loves it now. Mainly because I let her on the balcony, which going outside is new to her,  and she loves it. She never wants to come in now.

I have been really happy lately. I changed my medication a few months back and things have been great since. No side effects with this new anti-depressant. I have had no depression what-so-ever. In fact my life has been good and I’m feeling really content and optimistic about it. I haven’t felt this good in years. Only downfall is I have had a LOT of anxiety. But I’m putting that down to the move and everything that goes along with that. I haven’t been sleeping either but my doctor gave me a few weeks of some medication to help me with that. So I’m hoping things return to “My” normal soon.

Tomorrow I start a new course from CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) It’s for people who have tried to commit suicide. I don’t know much about it yet as it’s just starting. It goes for 20 weeks ~ every Wednesday afternoon. But if it can help then It’s important for me to go for the whole 5 months.I’m quite nervous about it actually.I have a social anxiety so I find it difficult walking into a room full of people I don’t know. And I find it difficult talking about myself to strangers.  But I guess I will just put on my big girl pants and get on with it.

Sobriety? I slipped on July 18th so i guess my number of sober days is 64. Just over 2 months. Not the best,… but I’m working hard to keep those numbers rising.

And that’s how life has been for me lately. Everything is GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. Best they have been in years. A little worrying that,…. I almost feel like things are going too good and something is going to break. But I’m not going to dwell. I’m just going to live each day the best I can.



Stress, anxiety and a bad week

This week hasn’t been one of my better weeks. With the up coming move only 5 days away my anxiety is nearly unbearable. I can’t sleep. My nights are full of worrying and overthinking everything until I’m frozen and cant function at all. Luckily I have done 90% of the packing over the past few months.

I haven’t slept for about 3 or 4 nights. Then last night I just fell into an exhausted heep at 7:30pm and didn’t wake up until 2 the next afternoon (nearly 18 hours later!) obviously I needed this sleep. But I woke up sobbing and screaming after having one of “those dreams” I have PTSD over something that happened about 13 years ago. (and then kept happening for another 5 or so) I wont go into what it was but it affected me to my very core. And since then, I have been having these dreams where its all happening  over and over again. I wake up right in the very moment. Its terribly frightening and very painful. It usually takes me all day to feel somewhat normal again. I think it happened just because of the stress of the move and getting very little sleep. Its now 1:30 in the morning and I still feel numb and sad and affected by it. I don’t talk to anyone about it except my doctor. I think it would be quite helpful if I could talk about it but I can’t.

Anyway, it has happened at a really inconvenient time. I have so much to do this week. But I’m now feeling numb and can’t seem to pull myself together. I’m hoping I can get a good sleep tonight and wake up to a new day. All I have to do is hold myself together for another week. Just keep moving. Keep packing. Keep going to all the appointments,… And then, once I’m finally moved I can hopefully just plop down and relax.

May be disturbing to read

I have been hibernating from the world for many years now. And its been damn lonely. But I just can’t handle all the drama that goes along with relationships ~ parents, siblings, significant others,…there’s always drama. I can’t cope with drama. I’m an introvert. When at a party I’m the one in the corner playing with the kids or the pets. I dont know how to socialize like most people. People find socializing fun and love it. I find it terrifying. And after this week I think its time to hide away back into my cave for a bit of a breather.

Now  I don’t have many friends but the few friends I do have are brilliant. They understand my ‘weirdness’ and introverting ways. They know My heart is susceptible to being really tender to harsh words.

Now, It seems someone isn’t talking to me because he/she is too mad right now. Miscommunication can be a bitch. I mean this person is furious with me. I’ve always loved this person and I thought we had a brilliant relationship together. But now,… all their anger (and there’s so much anger,…) just seemed to drop out of nowhere. I relapsed on my sobriety.  But I can’t figure out anything else I did wrong to warrant this kind of anger. Supposedly I lied, cheated, and hate their family (which I dont – I love this family like it were my own) Things are coming out of the woodwork about stuff from years ago and I just cant deal with this.

I wanted so badly to hurt myself. You know,..if they say I lost my sobriety then so be it (I did lose it by the way for less than a week) I’m so hurt. Really hurt because they won’t even tell me what it is that I’ve done wrong. I called a friend who was out of town, and then my daughter (although you don’t want to upset her so I said nothing) I just wanted to hear her voice.,And then,… I know this isn’t pretty or politically correct to talk about, but I am. People have to know what happens when people with mental health issues get upset. I cut. I cut my thighs,.. I cut my other thigh,… and then my arms,… I finally stopped and fell to a puddle on the floor.

One of my thighs reads “they always leave” and my past has proven that. Everyone I love has left my life. The other thigh spells out “I hate me“. I don’t care what people think about this disturbing behavior and why I have chooses to put it on my blog. I can hear them all now – “She just wants attention,…”  But I can promise you that is not true. Do you know what its like to go out in public with cut marks all over your arms and legs for people to see? It’s humiliating.

But there are thousands of us cutters out there in the world ( I mean thousands!) who hurt themselves so they can feel pain and know that they are indeed real. I never could handle stress or drama or having to wait for people to be ready before they will tell me what is wrong,..

I’m ashamed of my cutting but I think it ‘s extremely important that people know everyone’s heart is not the same. Some of us can cope and others self destruct (with drugs, alcohol or hurting themselves – or even all 3,…)

If people want to laugh at this or joke that I’m weak or being a drama Queen, then by all means feel that way.

Just also remember some of us have mental health issues and we try our best to be the same as everyone else, but sometimes we can’t and that sucks.

Sorry about the topic but I want everyone to understand that this is a disturbing but extremely common thing to do when you have low self esteem and feel totally unloved.

Just a quick one

Yes, folks, Jacquie had a relapse. And it wasn’t pretty. A trip to Fergus emerge and then a transfer to Guelph. Oh my my I get myself into some predicaments. No details. Just lets say I did not make good decisions that day.

Sooooo, Now my sobriety number is a  big ol’  2. But 2 is better than a 1 so I’m already ahead.

But I do appreciate all the love and encouragement I get from you all on Face Book. It really does help keep me motivated.

Toothaches, tiffs and a new apartment,..

The past week or so have been a little trying. First, I had an abscess in my tooth which was really painful. I don’t have to tell anyone how annoying the throbbing of tooth pain can be. I don’t have benefits so I was reluctant to go to the dentist but after a week I gave in and went. Abscess, he said. And it needs to be pulled. Wonderful. So I went on a round of antibiotics and was to get it pulled this Friday.

While this was going on I have been selling a lot of my stuff on our local buy and sell group. Every move I have made in the past 12 or so years has involved getting rid of my things. Moving into smaller and smaller places each move I have had to sell things as there wasn’t any room for them. I have already sold quite a bit. Today I was able to go and view my new apartment in the building where I will be moving. It is TINY,… So even though I have sold a lot, it looks like I’m going to have to sell even more. I feel like I’m selling my life away. At first it was liberating. Freeing almost. But now I’m going to have to start getting rid of stuff I really like so now its getting a bit sad. I’ve also been packing everyday. So I’ve been really busy.

This new apartment I’m moving into isn’t what I thought it was going to be. Its a social services move into affordable housing units. So when I went to see it, I realized that its mostly people with physical and mental disabilities. I ran into a lot of “Homewood” folk. It looks very institutional and sadly, I feel like I am actually moving into Homewood. There’s nothing cozy about it at all. In fact I’m going to be really embarrassed when people see it. It looks like a hospital. concrete floors,…etc,… I just can’t explain how un-homey it feels. So my heart sank and now I’m not anxious to move into it at all. in fact,.. My heart dropped and and now I’m just depressed about it all.

I also had a ‘conversation’ with someone I love and respect and this person really hurt my feelings. I am so disappointed. I let very few people into my life as past experience has shown me that they always leave. So the people I do let in our special to me. I don’t know if this is a thing that will blow over or if its going to be the end of a relationship ~ again. So today overall has been quite disheartening.  It’s 4:20 in the morning and I am just so depressed I haven’t been able to sleep at all. My mind won’t stop swirling about everything. I take everything to heart. And my anxiety doesn’t let my mind stop. I just go over and over everything until I’m really upset and get quite depressed.

Don’t know where life goes from here. I’ll just have to take each day one at a time.

It’s all happening,…

It has been a busy couple of months with a lot happening. Some good,…some not-so-good,….

The good news is I am still clean and sober and feeling much better for it. 4 months now! And on top of that, I have been much happier and content ~ very little depression. So that’s a positive.

But there’s been quite a few little things going on that seem to be getting on top of me and that dreaded word ‘anxiety’ has reared it’s ugly head. I had an ultrasound done on both my shoulders the end of May only to discover I have a tear in both of my rotator cuffs. A few weeks back I had 3 steroid shots in the right shoulder. It wasn’t too bad. When the freezing came out it was quite achy for a few hours but nothing to worry about. Today I got 3 shots in my left shoulder and it hurt. I’ve been in pain for well over 14 hours now. I can’t move my arm for all the pain. Don’t know why this time it’s so different but I’m starting to get annoyed. It’s 2 in the morning and I can’t sleep because of it. (hence the late night blog entry ~ typing with one hand)

I had a very minor procedure done on my finger last month. So stitches in ~ and then stitches out. While they were in I couldn’t get that hand wet at all. Have you ever tried washing your hair with only one hand? Another small but annoying endeavor.

I saw a new psychiatrist. I haven’t seen one in 3 years so it was due. I generally go to see how I am mentally and then they decide if my medication needs tweeking.  I really like this Doctor. I have to go again next week. I don’t mind if it helps keep things on track.

Wednesday I got my hair highlighted. But the girl put in way too many highlights and now I just look blonde. I have never been this light before and I’m not liking it at all. In fact it just looks trashy and I hate it. I wouldn’t mind so much except,…. I have a date next Saturday! (Pick your jaws up off the floor.) I haven’t been on a date in well over 10 years. YEARS! I met him in a Tim Hortons (can you get anymore Canadian than that?) We chatted together for a few minutes. He was working and it was 11:00 at night so he didn’t have much time. I gave him my phone number not really expecting to hear anything. But he texted me. So we’ve arranged to have dinner next Saturday night. I’m terrified. What will we talk about? What about my social anxiety? I’m stressing hard and its still a week away. (still time to cancel??) So the horrible hair is just adding to the anxiety. I look a bit like a tarty has-been trying to pass for 25 again – it’s awful! Oh the trials and tribulations,…

But the big news is that I got an email from Wellington county. My application on the waiting list for affordable housing has come to the top of the list. I am being offered a one bdrm apartment here in Fergus for $218.00 less a month than I’m paying now. May not sound like much but its the difference between having to use the food bank and not having to use the food bank. That’s always been a bit humiliating for me every time I went. That’s a wonderful, positive thing,…right? For the first day it was. But then my brain went into overdrive. I was over thinking everything until I was a big ball of anxiety having a mini-melt-down. The list of things to do started growing and growing with each passing hour until it became overwhelming. First & last months rent,.. cost of actually moving,… what if I cant bring Maggie? I don’t have enough time to pack everything. Not to mention I now have to get rid of a LOT of stuff in a very short period of time because I’m downsizing once again. What if its a noisy party building? The list went on and on,…

Anxiety ~ It’s a bitch! I’m trying to just break everything down into steps and do one thing at a time. But it’s still overwhelming me. The people in there now move out in two weeks. I get to view it then and then probably have to move August 1st. That is not a long time to get everything done. 6 weeks! So the mini melt-down continues.

But I’m trying to be positive and pro-active. A lot easier said than done. But I’m trying my best.

And this ends the saga of my past few months. Until next entry,…..

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