The life of an introvert

Just not feeling it the past few weeks. Been hibernating inside my apartment again. Mathilda is definitely back. Can’t seem to get anything done. (cleaning, laundry, etc,..) because I just can’t seem to find any motivation at all. I’ve been here many times before on my roller coaster ride of mental illness. So I do know I won’t feel this way forever. I’m just on a ‘low’ right now. All I can do is hope it doesn’t last long ~ and in the meantime I am back to tiny baby steps. Today, I will have a shower,… do the dishes,…and drive to Walmart,… Just 3 goals to accomplish. Less anxiety this way. Less pressure.

 I hate feeling this way. I feel so useless and lazy and a waste of space because all I do is hide away in my apartment where it is safe for me. Going out is too stressful at the moment. I do have to go to two appointments tomorrow which most people wouldn’t even think twice about going to ~ But I will have to really force myself to get out tomorrow whether I want to or not. I guess its back to putting the earphones on and listen to my Ipod while I do my shopping. (no one tends to bother with you when your listening to music) and then scurry on back home when I’m finished. My life is just that ridiculous right now. Again,… I just wish I was normal and could do normal things,… I really envy people who seem to have it all together.

Not much more to say really,….  Just going to have to wait it out until I start feeling better again.

not the best of days today

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Today is a typical situation for me. I have slipped a bit since I wrote just a few days ago. Won’t go into the hows but today I am sad and lonely. It is a long weekend here in Canada. I am going through my Facebook page and everyone is outside doing fun things with their family and friends. I am not. I want to,… but that agoraphobic ~ introverted ~ Mathilda seems to be back.

I have tried on occasion to explain why I can’t go outside and socialize but there really isn’t any words. Its like a fear wrapped in sadness.

But, hopefully this will pass quickly. I will turn today into a DVD marathon day. Snuggle up with Maggie and have some iced tea.

And hope that tomorrow is better.

Nearly 4 months clean

life is good

It has been a great few months for me. I’ve stayed clean and am now 119 days sober. ( day 1 clean date being January 22nd/16 ~ making it nearly 4 months)

I had my surgery which went very well. I was told there would be a 3 to 6 week recovery but I felt so much better the very next day.  I was up and around and didn’t even need painkillers. No more pain or attacks. I have felt great ever since. Both mentally and physically.

I had a few hiccups with my depression but I really did work hard at trying to keep myself as healthy as I could. I can now say that I  have definitely had more ‘good’ days than I have ‘bad’.

So all in all ~ Life is good. And I will definitely be working hard to stay this way. 🙂

 

Roll on Spring!

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It’s been a great few weeks. Actually I’ve been feeling really happy and motivated for awhile now. I think the change of dosage on my meds has helped.I just don’t know the words to explain depression and how all consuming it is. It really does leave you ‘broken’ But for the first time in a very long time I have been able to escape that darkness and enjoy some happiness in my life. This is actually the longest time I have gone without any ‘episodes’ (hospitalizations)  I’m not saying life is perfect,… but the difference is that I am dealing with life better. I still have depression,… I still have fibromyalgia and the newest affliction the lovely tremor disorder I was recently been diagnosed with. I am still struggling to stay clean. But when you don’t have that thick black oppression hanging over you, It’s just so much easier to cope.

I have been going to bed early,… getting up early,… I have been going out a lot more. I have energy and motivation. I have started decorating again. (just painting really) and I would never have been able to do so much if my depression was active. It’s a little disconcerting because its been years since I have gone this long being ‘well’ and able to stay out of the hospital. I’m a little worried I will crash – soon and hard. That’s usually how it happens. I just wake up one morning and the whole mental illness thing has reared its ugly head out of nowhere usually sending me into a downward spiral that results in being admitted to the psych ward once again. I’m always looking over my shoulder when things are this good because I’m so afraid it won’t last.

But I’m going to be optimistic. Try and take care of myself and hope things stay so good.

I miss my girls a lot right now. The eldest daughter doesn’t drive so if I want to see her (in Barrie) I have to drive there. And right now  wouldn’t trust my car. The youngest daughter is so busy with work and school that she just doesn’t have the time to drive the 3 hours it would take to visit me here (shes in Lindsay). The same week she is finished school she is heading to the Bahamas for a school placement. I’m very proud of her but miss her terribly. I know our little chickies are suppose to leave the coop,… but I wasn’t done with them!!! I want them back. LOL I suppose this is something all parents go through. I just didn’t realize it would be so hard.

My gallbladder surgery is next month (April 15th) so I’m not looking forward to that. But at least I will have finished decorating my bedroom so I can have a bright and cheery recovery. I’m sure Maggie will be a great nurse to me while I get better. (my cat,…)

So,… right now,… Life is good. And I appreciate and feel blessed for every good day I have. Lets just hope they continue on for a very long time. 🙂

Spring is coming

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I have been feeling so good the past few weeks. I don’t know if its the fact that spring is just around the corner, or if its the medication change. I’m pretty sure that being clean and sober for 44 days has a huge impact too. I don’t really feel the need to analyze why ~ I’m just grateful for feeling so much better.

I have been going to bed early every night and waking up early in the morning. That’s a huge step for me. And this change alone seems to be what has propelled me on upwards. I am getting things done. Lots of things! I finally feel like I have some energy and motivation once again. Life right now is good.

I have picked out the colour that I’m going to be painting my bedroom. I got a new comforter for the bed and took down the dark curtains. Already the room feels lighter and more inviting. I can’t wait to get started on painting it. I’ll probably start doing it in the next week or too. Hopefully I can get it done before my surgery on April 15th. It would be nice to come home from the hospital into a brand new room. (No more bad memories) I’m trying to put things behind me now and really work hard at staying happy ~ and sober ~ and enjoy life after such a long time struggling with my depression and addiction.

Again, as I have said many times before,… baby steps. It doesn’t matter how slow you are moving ~ just so long as it is forward.

Roll on spring! I am ready for you,…

 

 

 

Room of memories

I cant stay in that room. I go in there to get my clothes and that’s about it. I don’t sleep in there. I haven’t in years. Everything in there reminds me of my addiction.

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When I was using, that room was my oasis. A place to feed that growing hunger for drugs. Any drugs. Anything that would alter my state of mind. The marijuana,… the pills,… lots and lots of pills. Uppers to wake me up and then downers to let me sleep. And sleep I did. For days at a time. All those pills ~ disguised as freedom. Instead they were my prison. I would sit on the bed and roll my weed,… or crush my pills. I would be in that room for hours on end. Ingesting my escape from reality. To have the drugs whoosh through my body and take it into another world. A world where nothing mattered but my next high.

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But now that I am clean and sober,… I can’t even look in that room. Too many memories. All I see is failure and weakness and shame. I sleep in the spare room. The one I have decorated brightly. Pretty,… innocent,.. walls of purple with white furniture. The room of a teenage girl. Safe and guilt free. I wished it were only that easy to blot out the past. It helps. But nothing can ever erase the destruction I have caused to myself and my loved ones.

Maybe its time to change that room. To open the curtains and let in the light. Hidden so long behind the blinds. A couple coats of paint and to hang a few pictures. To rid the room of all the paraphernalia that helped me self-destruct. To rid the room of all those memories that will always be in my mind. But at least I will be able to use the room once again without feeling such disgust for that addiction.

Maybe this should be my spring project. To clear out that room and start again. Just like I’m trying to do with my life. A fresh start to move forward. I want to be able to go in there and just live ~ normally.

Its time for that rooms memories to go,….

It’s a great day! but,…

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I’m going to go back to my mental illness for this blog. I know my past few entries have been about the addiction and my recovery. But, I think it will be telling for some people to hear how mental illness affects every day life even when things are going well.

Things have been really good for me for the past few weeks. Today, especially, has been great. I got up at 7:00am. That is unheard of for me. I have many sleeping issues so I struggle to get up at a descent hour most days. I went grocery shopping. I went to the library. I did some housework. And its not even 3:00pm yet. This may be a bit hard for some people to understand but these ‘normal’ days for me are few and far between. As a person dealing with mental illness, especially depression and anxiety, ‘normal’ is just not in my vocabulary.

Most days I go to bed late,… wake up late,… I sometimes have the energy to do stuff during the day but a lot of times I don’t. With this social anxiety I have I rarely leave my apartment. With the depression I struggle just to make it through the day. Fatigue and sadness seem to be a permanent companion for me.

Today was good. But,… even though I got up and I felt motivated and happy, Still I fought off emotions. My emotions change quickly and I struggle a lot with the ups and downs every day. My morning was great. I got so much done. I felt happy. But all of a sudden this afternoon, I feel sad and depressed and have been crying on and off. That is what depression does. It steals your positivity. It sneaks in and  knocks you off your feet when you least expect it. And I know a lot of people out there feel like we (people with depression) can just ‘get over it’ if we try hard enough and that all we have to do is pull up our boot straps and get on with it. THIS is what people don’t understand. If I could ‘just get over it’ ~ I would!  I hate feeling this bad. No one ever chooses to feel depressed. I work hard at trying a little bit everyday. I am learning to do what I can ~ when I can ~ But I get overwhelmed and anxious very quickly. I try to space out my errands/app’ts etc,… so I only have one thing a day instead of trying to do it all in one day ~ become overwhelmed ~and then end up a crying heap on the floor because I couldn’t do it all. That just leads to feeling like a failure, and that starts the vicious circle of “I’m not good enough,…” “People just think I’m lazy” “why can’t I just be ‘normal?” and the negativity sets in and makes me feel so inadequate. And that leads me right back to feeling depressed.

But I’m not going to dwell on this afternoon. I just feel grateful I had a great morning. One thing I have learned living this roller coaster existence is ~ tomorrow is another day ~ I can start fresh and put whatever happened today behind me. Depression is a thief. But I deal with it the best way I can.

 

 

 

 

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