Feeling Happy

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Well it’s not very often I write a happy, up-beat post but today is gonna be that day,….

Living with chronic depression can be horrible. You never get to feel truly happy. You feel good,… or ok,… but never out and out beaming with happiness. I have struggled trying to live below this “happiness line” for many many years. It;s like you wake up and think life is okay,… not wonderful,… just ‘okay’.

But for the past 2 or 3 weeks, I have been feeling really, truly happy. Laugh out loud, crack myself up with my own jokes, happy!! (I really am a funny girl,…haha) I have absolutely no idea what has changed. I’ve had no medication changes,… or any particular situation,… so I really don’t know why after so many years I can finally feel “great”

I had a nice pre-Christmas get together with a couple of long-time friends last week and I had a wonderful time. I didn’t feel anxiety. I just felt happy to have them over and catch up on all their news. It was a great evening.

And, knowing that I won’t see Michelle on Christmas day, my awesome brother took a day off  this past week-end to specifically drive me out to Barrie to spend the day with him and Michelle. It was a perfect day. I was bubbling over with happiness.

I am even waking up happy. (unheard of for me) I am suddenly feeling so much love and laughter. Feeling so grateful for all my family and friends that support me. ENJOYING every minute of my life right now.

This is usually a hard time of year for me. The anniversary of the twins birthday and deaths. I know I will be alone on Christmas day which should have me feeling really bummed. But I’m not. Because I know Christmas day will be different, I have made plans to distract myself by doing something enjoyable that day. I am going to have a pajama day and watch a marathon of a TV show I’m enjoying. I’ll cook myself something nice for dinner and just relax and enjoy the day – rather than dread it.

Depression,… I don’t know where you went but I am loving not having you around.

13 Years ago on this day,….

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***This portrays exactly what can happen when you have a mental illness. It’s real. And sad,…and terribly tragic that an illness could cause such tragedy***

It was a Thursday. A beautiful sunny day. But for me,.. It was the beginning of my downfall. That was the day I lost my children. That was also the day I had my first massive break-down. I was going through a messy divorce,… my father had just passed away,… and I was quite vulnerable to my mental illness. (which wasn’t even diagnosed yet). Something happened, and I left. Left my home,.. left Brampton, left anyone and everyone who was in my life. I packed up my car,… drove to St. Thomas where I used to live. (from 1990 to 1995)  because that was one of  my happiest times living there. As a family. I had my daughters there and life was really good.

But now,.. I had nothing. Everyone seemed to hate me and I just cracked. In a moment of madness, I packed up my car and drove back to St. Thomas two hours away. I suppose in my mind of madness I was trying to run back to happiness. But happiness wasn’t there. I got a motel room. And then proceeded to take a massive amount of pills. I don’t know how anyone found me, but apparently I was found and rushed to hospital. I don’t remember anything but family tell me I was on life support. All I can remember is waking up angry that I hadn’t died.

I was transferred to the St. Thomas psychiatric hospital and remained there for 3 weeks before being transferred to Brampton’s psychiatric department. All in all I think I was hospitalized for 5 weeks. But I certainly didn’t feel well enough to leave the hospital. But that’s how it goes. Beds are needed and I was released.

I lost my family when I came out. No one wanted to know,..

I lost my daughters that day. They were 9 and 12 years old. When I got out of the hospital, they were gone. Moved away,… with my ex and his new girlfriend. Everyone knew I couldn’t take care of them in the state I was when I first got out. I could only get them back through the court system now. I only had a legal aid lawyer and she really didn’t give a damn. So it was two and a half years before I got supervised visits. It wasn’t until I hired a ‘real’ lawyer that things finally started moving along and it wasn’t until 2006 that I got them back in my life. But they remained in the custody of their father. I was so hurt ~ devastatingly hurt ~ that I didn’t talk to anyone in my family for another 10 years.

During all of this kaos,…

Back to first getting out of the hospital,…When I was finally released I went to live with my Mom. That didn’t work out either.  I moved around like a hobo for a few months. Slept in my car for two nights, my cousin let me stay with her for a few days but eventually  I checked into a motel. I lived there for 3 weeks. Then I found a basement apartment in Bolton. I found a job at Tim Horton’s. During this time I went back to school to get my medical assistant/Lab technician certificate. It took me two years of working 5 in the morning to 1:00pm at Tim Hortons and then driving to Mississauga to go to school. I would get home around 10.It was a long two years. I don’t know how I ever managed working and school everyday for two years. But I did it. I think it was just stubborn tenacity that kept me going.

But during those years I was a mess. I started my pill addiction and drinking. I moved from Bolton (for my job at York Medical) Then Newmarket, then Tottenham. But I really wasn’t in any fit state to work, but I had to, as my divorce wasn’t finalized and I didn’t have any money. (except my minimum wage salary the barely covered the rent) In fact while living in Tottenham I almost lost the townhouse I had bought. I ended up selling at a loss. By this time I had lost faith in everyone. While living in Tottenham I had another overdose and lost my job. May I add that my eldest daughter (who had come to live with me after some problems at her Dads) was the one to find me and call an ambulance. THIS is what mental illness does to you. Your not able to think rationally and you make terrible choices. THAT was a horrible choice and to this day, I will never forgive myself for my daughter seeing what she should never have to see. The whole thing was tragic.

And here is where it goes ridiculously wrong. After I lost my townhouse, and my job, I moved back to St. Thomas (There’s got to be a sick irony in there somewhere) and ended up sliding into a life of addiction. BAD addiction. For 3 years I rarely left my apartment and just got high. all day ~ everyday ~ Life had become very grim. That is where my Moms health started deteriorating. My brother got her settled into a senior’s residential home. I wanted to be closer to her so I moved to Fergus. I tried my best to get clean. And I did for awhile,… But old habits die hard. It was through the support of my brother and sister-in-law that things got better.

But I was still sick. Depression, anxiety, and all those other illnesses that I have been diagnosed with. (every time I end up in hospital, they change my diagnoses to something else?) So who knows what my mental health consists of. I just know I wasn’t well. I was faking it and trying hard to get better, but too this day, better has never really arrived. I still struggle with my addiction and illness. I also struggle with letting anyone into my life. I have, because of this, become somewhat of a recluse. A huge introvert. I won’t let ANYONE in. I’ve become almost agoraphobic because I don’t want to be around people.

The good news is,….  that I have my daughters back in my life,… I have my brother back in my life,… even the Holyoaks who I had also pushed away are back in my life. I’ve even re-connected with some old friends from the neighborhood.  This is the best I’ve been in many years.

Ok, this has become longer than I attended so I’ll stop here. I think you know all the rest from my blog anyway.

So today has been an emotional day for me.

Quick up~date

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Ugggggg,…. Since my  unfortunate ‘melt~down’ Sunday night, I have been clean.  But stopping every thing at once usually has me going through withdrawal symptoms. And I am now living that. Its like having the flu. (Yes, it well and truly was my own fault!) But I feel much better today. Mentally and physically.

I called Hayley today and that was good. It was so nice to hear her voice and all her plans. Moving to England for two years to be a Nanny in London. I was really upset about that when I heard. But since I have talked with her and know all the details, I feel much better about it. I will always miss her, but the experience for her is just so great. Now I am embracing her moving and feeling excited for her myself. I am a parent,… and we all go through this. I guess its just how we decide to accept it and look at it as positive. There will be tears when she leaves. (October 1st) I will be seeing her next week. We are meeting up to go out for lunch. I’m really looking forward to her coming.

That is me up-to-date,…

Mathilda is back,… :(

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This whole summer has pretty much been a right-off for me. I don’t even know where to begin to explain it. The paragraph above talks about depression specifically, but those words are so true about my addiction as well. I have always been depressed. Pretty much since adolescence onward. Adding addiction into this mix just makes things that much worse. I have been clean for awhile now ~ I would love to say how proud of myself I am but I would be deceiving everyone.

No marijuana anymore. That certainly was a disaster while I was smoking that everyday. (Such a dirty, smelly business,…) But don’t let me kid you,… I am not perfectly clean and sober. I may have given up the weed. That was just such a huge mess. I lived, ate, slept getting high. My life was really unmanageable. And empty.

I had a bad experience a few weeks back while trying to get some government forms sorted out. They had me running around all over Guelph and Fergus making me go from here to there and not getting help from anyone. By the forth visit, I ended up in floods of tears and just went home. (I can thank my sister-in-law for helping me finally get that mess cleared up) But it seems to have brought me right back to ground zero ~ I find it extremely hard to socialize at the best of times, which is why I hibernate away in my apartment. But I’m getting so much worse. And that ‘incident’ of unfriendly and unhelpful service from all these offices was just the last straw. I cancelled all my plans for July. The only time I have been outside my apartment is to pick up my medications and do groceries every Tuesday afternoon. I go nowhere else anymore. If I do its turn on the Ipod and put my headphones on while shopping. People tend to not talk to you then. (I sound like such a miserable old thing saying that,…) But honestly, Its not being outside of my apartment that is difficult. Its the people out side who I might run into. This is actually really difficult to explain. Words just can’t say how horrible depression and drugs are.

So on to my confession…. I really do hope that people who I love won’t be so disappointed in me. But, I went back to drugs. This time I am using cannabis oil. I just have to mix a drop in my tea. Within 20 minutes the tremors stop,… the anxiety lessons,… (doesn’t help with depression though – I am aware of that) I just have to go with what works best for me. I got into this about 5 or 6 weeks ago and have been using it every evening since. So my addiction rears its ugly head once again. I don’t see a lot wrong with using cannabis oil in moderation. (Ok everybody,.. you can lower your eyebrows now – i know your opinions,…LOL) The (legal) company I get it from have different strains so I always buy the one that is less apt to make me feel high and therefore I feel more able to function. (I have gone through my doctor to get a prescription for it so it is legal – even though I know my doctor isn’t thrilled about me taking any drug) And to be fair it isn’t a miracle drug,… I’m just trading feeling ‘better; – (not ‘completely well’) from how I was so much worse all summer . To me its a dilema I have been fighting for a very long time now. Do whats right? or do what I think is right for me. I don’t think I will ever not have an addiction. I get clean and then I go back to drugs,… At this point, I don’t think I need Homewood,… I know their program and I’ve been through it 3 times now. I wouldn’t go there right now anyway. Its HOT in the summer. Heat turned on,… windows dont open. Having to share a room with someone (yikes, that makes me very uncomfortable)  THAT alone would put me in a worse place. I think I need a complete re-hab program. (who can afford that with no insurance???) After all, I have been abusing drugs for over 20 years. I am tired of all my “issues”. Depression, anxiety, addiction, social phobia… It wears you out. It gets worse with each passing year (especially the social phobia) I have turned into a sad vessel of emptiness. Sometimes it’s very painful to live with.

So that has been me all August,… depressed, sad, sore, and practically agoraphobic. I just learned that my youngest daughter is moving to England. THAT is going to be so hard for me. How do other parents do it? How do they let them go? It has affected my mood greatly. Don’t get me wrong, I think its a wonderful opportunity for her but Me,… Mom,… is taking it very hard. I want to go see Michelle too to as I haven’t seen her in a bit, but now something is wrong with my car again. Brakes I think. And haven’t managed to get out there. I really do miss my girls. I had them taken away from me in 2003 for nearly 3 years. (And its taken me 10 years to finally admit that I was NOT in a right state of mind to  care for them. When they did come back into my life again it wasn’t the same. They were teenagers/adults by then and so they were focused on their own lives, so I feel I lost that really precious bond I had with them before “life got in the way” and they were removed from my care. I can never forgive myself for that happening either. I feel like I was a bad mother and that my girls suffered because of it. Because of me,… Thats painful to live with. And this week I have been struggling with all these thoughts a lot. Guilt can eat your soul,…

So,… about this week. ..It all sort of came to a head. I’m not going to get into a lot of detail as its not the details that count,… Lets just say there was  vodka and pain pills on top of the cannabis oil. Cutting , crying, and just feeling totally useless and sad. For the most part I feel better today. But its been a hell of a week.  (Too much information?? ~ I don’t think so). Sometimes you just have to tell it like it is. Mental illness is not a joke and people need to realize how horrible it can get. No matter how sad and disturbing. I am just a person who struggles to get by in life. I really do worry that people just think I’m exaggerating and just want attention or whatever. But that is not it at all. I just want my friends and loved ones to get that I’m not always ‘well’. And I do get better. And I live looking forward to the ‘better’ times I have had and will continue to have,…

Its just that this summer has been a struggle. And here we are almost into September already. I missed the whole summer by living inside. Sad isn’t it?

And to the North Park 4,… You girls mean the world to me and I wish I could do stuff with you all the time. Your lovely to be with and I never want to lose that. But most of all, thank you so much for understanding. I have lost more friends and family because of my illness and addiction. You 3 have proved to me you care many times. Your my BFF’s 🙂 And my brother and sister-in-law have always been very supportive of me and my health. I am extremely lucky to have such support.

So, that’s my blog entry for this month. Sorry it wasn’t very uplifting.  And to ease your minds,… I feel ‘safe’ today so I don’t want anyone worrying. I am just going to ride this out until things get better.

 

wasted long weekend

Wow, this weekend has not been good at all. I feel so low and sad that my chest actually feels heavy and so sad. Don’t know why,… as usual this feeling just takes over and I feel so powerless to change it. Tired, sad, empty,…

I haven’t left my apartment in a few days. I feel like all I want to do is sleep and cry. Such a horrible feeling.

Not a good blog entry. Sorry. But I just feel like I am struggling so much. I don’t even want to write about it right now. I am ok,… just not functioning very well.  BLAH!

The life of an introvert

Just not feeling it the past few weeks. Been hibernating inside my apartment again. Mathilda is definitely back. Can’t seem to get anything done. (cleaning, laundry, etc,..) because I just can’t seem to find any motivation at all. I’ve been here many times before on my roller coaster ride of mental illness. So I do know I won’t feel this way forever. I’m just on a ‘low’ right now. All I can do is hope it doesn’t last long ~ and in the meantime I am back to tiny baby steps. Today, I will have a shower,… do the dishes,…and drive to Walmart,… Just 3 goals to accomplish. Less anxiety this way. Less pressure.

 I hate feeling this way. I feel so useless and lazy and a waste of space because all I do is hide away in my apartment where it is safe for me. Going out is too stressful at the moment. I do have to go to two appointments tomorrow which most people wouldn’t even think twice about going to ~ But I will have to really force myself to get out tomorrow whether I want to or not. I guess its back to putting the earphones on and listen to my Ipod while I do my shopping. (no one tends to bother with you when your listening to music) and then scurry on back home when I’m finished. My life is just that ridiculous right now. Again,… I just wish I was normal and could do normal things,… I really envy people who seem to have it all together.

Not much more to say really,….  Just going to have to wait it out until I start feeling better again.

not the best of days today

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Today is a typical situation for me. I have slipped a bit since I wrote just a few days ago. Won’t go into the hows but today I am sad and lonely. It is a long weekend here in Canada. I am going through my Facebook page and everyone is outside doing fun things with their family and friends. I am not. I want to,… but that agoraphobic ~ introverted ~ Mathilda seems to be back.

I have tried on occasion to explain why I can’t go outside and socialize but there really isn’t any words. Its like a fear wrapped in sadness.

But, hopefully this will pass quickly. I will turn today into a DVD marathon day. Snuggle up with Maggie and have some iced tea.

And hope that tomorrow is better.

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