Just a quick one

Yes, folks, Jacquie had a relapse. And it wasn’t pretty. A trip to Fergus emerge and then a transfer to Guelph. Oh my my I get myself into some predicaments. No details. Just lets say I did not make good decisions that day.

Sooooo, Now my sobriety number is a  big ol’  2. But 2 is better than a 1 so I’m already ahead.

But I do appreciate all the love and encouragement I get from you all on Face Book. It really does help keep me motivated.


Toothaches, tiffs and a new apartment,..

The past week or so have been a little trying. First, I had an abscess in my tooth which was really painful. I don’t have to tell anyone how annoying the throbbing of tooth pain can be. I don’t have benefits so I was reluctant to go to the dentist but after a week I gave in and went. Abscess, he said. And it needs to be pulled. Wonderful. So I went on a round of antibiotics and was to get it pulled this Friday.

While this was going on I have been selling a lot of my stuff on our local buy and sell group. Every move I have made in the past 12 or so years has involved getting rid of my things. Moving into smaller and smaller places each move I have had to sell things as there wasn’t any room for them. I have already sold quite a bit. Today I was able to go and view my new apartment in the building where I will be moving. It is TINY,… So even though I have sold a lot, it looks like I’m going to have to sell even more. I feel like I’m selling my life away. At first it was liberating. Freeing almost. But now I’m going to have to start getting rid of stuff I really like so now its getting a bit sad. I’ve also been packing everyday. So I’ve been really busy.

This new apartment I’m moving into isn’t what I thought it was going to be. Its a social services move into affordable housing units. So when I went to see it, I realized that its mostly people with physical and mental disabilities. I ran into a lot of “Homewood” folk. It looks very institutional and sadly, I feel like I am actually moving into Homewood. There’s nothing cozy about it at all. In fact I’m going to be really embarrassed when people see it. It looks like a hospital. concrete floors,…etc,… I just can’t explain how un-homey it feels. So my heart sank and now I’m not anxious to move into it at all. in fact,.. My heart dropped and and now I’m just depressed about it all.

I also had a ‘conversation’ with someone I love and respect and this person really hurt my feelings. I am so disappointed. I let very few people into my life as past experience has shown me that they always leave. So the people I do let in our special to me. I don’t know if this is a thing that will blow over or if its going to be the end of a relationship ~ again. So today overall has been quite disheartening.  It’s 4:20 in the morning and I am just so depressed I haven’t been able to sleep at all. My mind won’t stop swirling about everything. I take everything to heart. And my anxiety doesn’t let my mind stop. I just go over and over everything until I’m really upset and get quite depressed.

Don’t know where life goes from here. I’ll just have to take each day one at a time.

It’s all happening,…

It has been a busy couple of months with a lot happening. Some good,…some not-so-good,….

The good news is I am still clean and sober and feeling much better for it. 4 months now! And on top of that, I have been much happier and content ~ very little depression. So that’s a positive.

But there’s been quite a few little things going on that seem to be getting on top of me and that dreaded word ‘anxiety’ has reared it’s ugly head. I had an ultrasound done on both my shoulders the end of May only to discover I have a tear in both of my rotator cuffs. A few weeks back I had 3 steroid shots in the right shoulder. It wasn’t too bad. When the freezing came out it was quite achy for a few hours but nothing to worry about. Today I got 3 shots in my left shoulder and it hurt. I’ve been in pain for well over 14 hours now. I can’t move my arm for all the pain. Don’t know why this time it’s so different but I’m starting to get annoyed. It’s 2 in the morning and I can’t sleep because of it. (hence the late night blog entry ~ typing with one hand)

I had a very minor procedure done on my finger last month. So stitches in ~ and then stitches out. While they were in I couldn’t get that hand wet at all. Have you ever tried washing your hair with only one hand? Another small but annoying endeavor.

I saw a new psychiatrist. I haven’t seen one in 3 years so it was due. I generally go to see how I am mentally and then they decide if my medication needs tweeking.  I really like this Doctor. I have to go again next week. I don’t mind if it helps keep things on track.

Wednesday I got my hair highlighted. But the girl put in way too many highlights and now I just look blonde. I have never been this light before and I’m not liking it at all. In fact it just looks trashy and I hate it. I wouldn’t mind so much except,…. I have a date next Saturday! (Pick your jaws up off the floor.) I haven’t been on a date in well over 10 years. YEARS! I met him in a Tim Hortons (can you get anymore Canadian than that?) We chatted together for a few minutes. He was working and it was 11:00 at night so he didn’t have much time. I gave him my phone number not really expecting to hear anything. But he texted me. So we’ve arranged to have dinner next Saturday night. I’m terrified. What will we talk about? What about my social anxiety? I’m stressing hard and its still a week away. (still time to cancel??) So the horrible hair is just adding to the anxiety. I look a bit like a tarty has-been trying to pass for 25 again – it’s awful! Oh the trials and tribulations,…

But the big news is that I got an email from Wellington county. My application on the waiting list for affordable housing has come to the top of the list. I am being offered a one bdrm apartment here in Fergus for $218.00 less a month than I’m paying now. May not sound like much but its the difference between having to use the food bank and not having to use the food bank. That’s always been a bit humiliating for me every time I went. That’s a wonderful, positive thing,…right? For the first day it was. But then my brain went into overdrive. I was over thinking everything until I was a big ball of anxiety having a mini-melt-down. The list of things to do started growing and growing with each passing hour until it became overwhelming. First & last months rent,.. cost of actually moving,… what if I cant bring Maggie? I don’t have enough time to pack everything. Not to mention I now have to get rid of a LOT of stuff in a very short period of time because I’m downsizing once again. What if its a noisy party building? The list went on and on,…

Anxiety ~ It’s a bitch! I’m trying to just break everything down into steps and do one thing at a time. But it’s still overwhelming me. The people in there now move out in two weeks. I get to view it then and then probably have to move August 1st. That is not a long time to get everything done. 6 weeks! So the mini melt-down continues.

But I’m trying to be positive and pro-active. A lot easier said than done. But I’m trying my best.

And this ends the saga of my past few months. Until next entry,…..

57 Days and counting



Time seems to be flying by much faster this time around. My sober days are adding up and I feel better and better with each passing day. Nearly 2 months without alcohol, pot or pills,… I am clean!

How do I feel physically? The most noticeable change I see is my emotions. I am no longer masking any of my feelings so my emotions have all bubbled up to the surface. When I laugh ~ it’s hysterically until i cant breath. When I cry ~ I breakdown and sob. I guess I am still going to have to learn to channel my emotions to make them more appropriate to the situation.  I actually broke down in tears over the show Survivor tonight,… I cry during diaper commercials,… and laughing at something as dumb as my cat that isn’t really that funny.

But the biggest and probably the most dangerous feelings I get now are feeling complete shame and guilt for all the bad things that I have done. I was going to say because of my mental illness, but I don’t want to blame anyone or thing for my actions as they were my actions alone.  But everything is now realized. (if that makes any sense) My depression feels deeper. After all,… it was my mental illness that caused me to start the chaotic road to addiction. I needed to mask everything,… And for so many years I was able to “numb out” and therefore not feel responsible for the things that I have done. Now that I am sober and thinking with a clear head, I now have to feel the shame and guilt and remorse for past transgressions. Some of the things I have done have hurt a lot of people that I love and they may have forgiven me for them (or not,… I really dont know),… but I don’t know if I can forgive myself. And I have definitely been struggling with this for the past two months. Sometimes a sober brain is too overwhelming. My first instinct is to use. But I have been successful at not doing that (so far) and I do feel strong enough that I can continue to stay clean.

But,… what to do with all this shame? Obviously my road to recovery is not finished.

Went off my meds ~ trouble ensued


I went off my meds,…

Trouble ensued.

The past few months I have really been struggling with my mental health and my addiction. Things got bad. I knew I had to take some drastic measures as I was on the verge of being evicted from my apartment (for smoking marijuana in our Non-smoking building) I decided to give this sobriety thing another go. It’s been 3 or 4 times now that I have gotten myself back up on the wagon, but I never seemed to be able to find a seat  I just kept falling off,….

But last week I decided that I have had enough and really need to get my ass clean. So I went up to Owen Sound (here in Ontario ~ about 2 hours away) to a 5 day de-tox program. I knew I would hate it. And I did. But it was the best thing for me. I was lucky enough that my brother and sister-in-law dropped everything and drove me out there at the last minute because they had a bed available. (and I mean ‘dropped everything!’)

The stay there wasn’t pleasant.

But,… here I am,… 7 full days clean. It’s not a lot but every day is another step closer to recovery. But this is where my journey to sobriety really starts. I have meetings to start going to again. I have found many resources here in Fergus that I can take advantage of that will hopefully be really helpful.  But most of all,… I have awesome support from my family and friends. They are constantly encouraging me and never give up on me even when I had given up on myself. This is going to be so important to me as I know that there will be bad days to get through on this journey. the real work is just beginning.

Baby steps,….

Feeling Happy


Well it’s not very often I write a happy, up-beat post but today is gonna be that day,….

Living with chronic depression can be horrible. You never get to feel truly happy. You feel good,… or ok,… but never out and out beaming with happiness. I have struggled trying to live below this “happiness line” for many many years. It;s like you wake up and think life is okay,… not wonderful,… just ‘okay’.

But for the past 2 or 3 weeks, I have been feeling really, truly happy. Laugh out loud, crack myself up with my own jokes, happy!! (I really am a funny girl,…haha) I have absolutely no idea what has changed. I’ve had no medication changes,… or any particular situation,… so I really don’t know why after so many years I can finally feel “great”

I had a nice pre-Christmas get together with a couple of long-time friends last week and I had a wonderful time. I didn’t feel anxiety. I just felt happy to have them over and catch up on all their news. It was a great evening.

And, knowing that I won’t see Michelle on Christmas day, my awesome brother took a day off  this past week-end to specifically drive me out to Barrie to spend the day with him and Michelle. It was a perfect day. I was bubbling over with happiness.

I am even waking up happy. (unheard of for me) I am suddenly feeling so much love and laughter. Feeling so grateful for all my family and friends that support me. ENJOYING every minute of my life right now.

This is usually a hard time of year for me. The anniversary of the twins birthday and deaths. I know I will be alone on Christmas day which should have me feeling really bummed. But I’m not. Because I know Christmas day will be different, I have made plans to distract myself by doing something enjoyable that day. I am going to have a pajama day and watch a marathon of a TV show I’m enjoying. I’ll cook myself something nice for dinner and just relax and enjoy the day – rather than dread it.

Depression,… I don’t know where you went but I am loving not having you around.

13 Years ago on this day,….


***This portrays exactly what can happen when you have a mental illness. It’s real. And sad,…and terribly tragic that an illness could cause such tragedy***

It was a Thursday. A beautiful sunny day. But for me,.. It was the beginning of my downfall. That was the day I lost my children. That was also the day I had my first massive break-down. I was going through a messy divorce,… my father had just passed away,… and I was quite vulnerable to my mental illness. (which wasn’t even diagnosed yet). Something happened, and I left. Left my home,.. left Brampton, left anyone and everyone who was in my life. I packed up my car,… drove to St. Thomas where I used to live. (from 1990 to 1995)  because that was one of  my happiest times living there. As a family. I had my daughters there and life was really good.

But now,.. I had nothing. Everyone seemed to hate me and I just cracked. In a moment of madness, I packed up my car and drove back to St. Thomas two hours away. I suppose in my mind of madness I was trying to run back to happiness. But happiness wasn’t there. I got a motel room. And then proceeded to take a massive amount of pills. I don’t know how anyone found me, but apparently I was found and rushed to hospital. I don’t remember anything but family tell me I was on life support. All I can remember is waking up angry that I hadn’t died.

I was transferred to the St. Thomas psychiatric hospital and remained there for 3 weeks before being transferred to Brampton’s psychiatric department. All in all I think I was hospitalized for 5 weeks. But I certainly didn’t feel well enough to leave the hospital. But that’s how it goes. Beds are needed and I was released.

I lost my family when I came out. No one wanted to know,..

I lost my daughters that day. They were 9 and 12 years old. When I got out of the hospital, they were gone. Moved away,… with my ex and his new girlfriend. Everyone knew I couldn’t take care of them in the state I was when I first got out. I could only get them back through the court system now. I only had a legal aid lawyer and she really didn’t give a damn. So it was two and a half years before I got supervised visits. It wasn’t until I hired a ‘real’ lawyer that things finally started moving along and it wasn’t until 2006 that I got them back in my life. But they remained in the custody of their father. I was so hurt ~ devastatingly hurt ~ that I didn’t talk to anyone in my family for another 10 years.

During all of this kaos,…

Back to first getting out of the hospital,…When I was finally released I went to live with my Mom. That didn’t work out either.  I moved around like a hobo for a few months. Slept in my car for two nights, my cousin let me stay with her for a few days but eventually  I checked into a motel. I lived there for 3 weeks. Then I found a basement apartment in Bolton. I found a job at Tim Horton’s. During this time I went back to school to get my medical assistant/Lab technician certificate. It took me two years of working 5 in the morning to 1:00pm at Tim Hortons and then driving to Mississauga to go to school. I would get home around 10.It was a long two years. I don’t know how I ever managed working and school everyday for two years. But I did it. I think it was just stubborn tenacity that kept me going.

But during those years I was a mess. I started my pill addiction and drinking. I moved from Bolton (for my job at York Medical) Then Newmarket, then Tottenham. But I really wasn’t in any fit state to work, but I had to, as my divorce wasn’t finalized and I didn’t have any money. (except my minimum wage salary the barely covered the rent) In fact while living in Tottenham I almost lost the townhouse I had bought. I ended up selling at a loss. By this time I had lost faith in everyone. While living in Tottenham I had another overdose and lost my job. May I add that my eldest daughter (who had come to live with me after some problems at her Dads) was the one to find me and call an ambulance. THIS is what mental illness does to you. Your not able to think rationally and you make terrible choices. THAT was a horrible choice and to this day, I will never forgive myself for my daughter seeing what she should never have to see. The whole thing was tragic.

And here is where it goes ridiculously wrong. After I lost my townhouse, and my job, I moved back to St. Thomas (There’s got to be a sick irony in there somewhere) and ended up sliding into a life of addiction. BAD addiction. For 3 years I rarely left my apartment and just got high. all day ~ everyday ~ Life had become very grim. That is where my Moms health started deteriorating. My brother got her settled into a senior’s residential home. I wanted to be closer to her so I moved to Fergus. I tried my best to get clean. And I did for awhile,… But old habits die hard. It was through the support of my brother and sister-in-law that things got better.

But I was still sick. Depression, anxiety, and all those other illnesses that I have been diagnosed with. (every time I end up in hospital, they change my diagnoses to something else?) So who knows what my mental health consists of. I just know I wasn’t well. I was faking it and trying hard to get better, but too this day, better has never really arrived. I still struggle with my addiction and illness. I also struggle with letting anyone into my life. I have, because of this, become somewhat of a recluse. A huge introvert. I won’t let ANYONE in. I’ve become almost agoraphobic because I don’t want to be around people.

The good news is,….  that I have my daughters back in my life,… I have my brother back in my life,… even the Holyoaks who I had also pushed away are back in my life. I’ve even re-connected with some old friends from the neighborhood.  This is the best I’ve been in many years.

Ok, this has become longer than I attended so I’ll stop here. I think you know all the rest from my blog anyway.

So today has been an emotional day for me.

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