Tomorrow will be better,… right?

 

One of the problems I face everyday is mood stability. One day I am great,… the next day I am a mess and can’t function. I take a mood stabilizer but if it is working I would hate to see what I would be like NOT taking it.

I have decided to paint my apartment. This for me is a huge deal because I never know how I am going to be from one day to the next so I rarely take on any large projects. But my brother has said that he will help me next week so I thought I would just bite the bullet and go for it. He works during the day so he only has a limited time to help. So I wanted to have all the prep work done before he started. (TSP the walls, taping the edges, clearing out the room, etc,…) For the past 2 days I have been quite excited about it. Picking out the colour, buying the stuff I’ll need and preparing in general. Yesterday I left the apartment ~ alone ~ and went shopping. I came home and emptied the whole living room/dining room which was a huge job. I seemed to be on a roll. I was productive.

But today,… I crashed.  I knew the moment I got up it was going to be a bad day. I felt depressed and weepy. Lethargic. It turned out to be a horrible day. Nothing got done and I felt terrible for being so useless. Guilty. I was back to being my agoraphobic self and couldn’t even go out of the apartment to bring the garbage out or get my mail. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Tried watching TV,… tried reading,… but my mind seemed to be a jumbled up mess so I gave up. Instead I just stared at the TV not even taking in what I was watching and numbed out.

It is quite frustrating having these mood swings and depressions. You can’t make any plans because you know they probably won’t get accomplished. (on time anyway) And now I’m all anxious because my brother will be here and expecting all the prep work to get done and I’m not sure if it will or not.

Why can’t I just be “normal”? What on earth is so hard about having consistent, even moods? Why can I leave my apartment on good days but other days I can’t even open the door? It makes me feel totally inadequate and guilty.

But again, as I always do,… I try to keep in mind that tomorrow is another day. And I could wake up feeling awesome and get all the work done that I need to. You have to hope. Because if you went through this life always thinking tomorrow will be a bad day then it wouldn’t be much of a life. So I hope for the best. And I appreciate every good day I have.