It’s been an eventful week.
I have been struggling extra hard with my medication and its sedating effects. I can’t seem to get enough sleep (sometimes sleeping up to 12 – 14 hours at a time) and once I’m awake I never feel awake. I feel tranquillized. The drugging effect is making it virtually impossible to function right now.
But I had no choice but to drive out to Newmarket Sunday for a bridal shower for my cousin. So I purposely didn’t take my medication Saturday night because I wanted to be able to make the drive safely – not drugged) This was NOT an obligatory event. I really like this cousin and therefore really wanted to be at this shower. But even though I felt ok setting off, by the time I had driven the 2 hours to get there I could feel the horrible tell-tale signs of a migraine coming on. I did my best to ignore it though and managed to make it through the afternoon.
This shower was a difficult thing for me to attend because right now I’m not in a good place mentally. I find anything social where I have to mingle with people quite difficult. My feelings of depression were quite bad and making the effort to “fake” being well and happy was quite exhausting. I was disappointed it had to be this way because as I mentioned before I really did want to be at this shower and see my cousin, Aunt and another cousin neither whom I had seen in a while. But my deteriorating mental state made it hard for me to muster up any enthusiasm. I honestly just felt flat, sad… depressed. And those feelings ruined the whole event. I only hope I didn’t ruin it for my cousin. I’d feel quite bad if I managed to upset her because of my lack-luster mood. I was so exhausted by the time I got home I went to bed around 9 that evening.
Monday morning at 6:30 I got a text from my sister-in-law saying that her father had passed away during the night. My heart sank when I read it because I know how much this lovely man is going to be missed to my brother and sister-in-law and her family. It was expected after an illness but being expected doesn’t make it any less sad. Poor L*** had just gotten over caring for and grieving for my Mom and now her own Dad passing away. I wanted to go over there and help in any way I could. I wanted to be there for them. But being in such a fragile mental state right now I’m just not able to be much of a support to them. I’m not coping well with anything and find myself unable to function normally because of it. I wanted to be there for them… I just wasn’t able to. And that makes me feel like a failure. In fact, the sedation of this damn Seroquel left me so “hungover” (downright drugged) that I couldn’t even get out of bed until noon Monday and by the time I had a coffee and shower it was after 3 before I finally even got in touch with either of them. And to me… that’s unacceptable. I dropped the ball on this one and I feel terrible about it.
That same day, I got an email from my ex saying M******* had been admitted into Newmarket hospital. Yes, you read that right… He e-mailed me. (You couldn’t have picked up the phone to call and let me know??) And on top of that, I found out later that she had been in there for 2 days already before he told me. Not even H***** knew until Monday. That was a bit upsetting because I was actually in Newmarket on Sunday afternoon and could have gone to see her. But no one thought to even tell me my own daughter was in hospital.
I’m not going to go into the details of why she’s in there. She has unfortunately inherited the “not so well mentally” gene from me. She, too, struggles with life sometimes. She just got a bit overwhelmed with it all so went into hospital to allow herself to get healthy once again. I have no idea how long she will be in there but as long as she is getting better it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Tuesday I drove out there to see her. I didn’t know how she would feel about that. I was worried that after our little “incident” last week that she may not even want to see me. But she did. And we had a good visit. But I can’t help feeling that I’m the one who pushed her over the edge and caused her to end up in hospital. Obviously we didn’t talk about “the incident” as it wasn’t the time or the place and quite frankly at this point it doesn’t even really matter. All that matters is that we are communicating with each other once again.
This is one aspect of mental illness that I just can’t seem to accept. It’s bad enough that I suffer from these mentally ill diseases. But knowing that I genetically passed it down onto both of my children is really difficult to accept. I know in my head that I didn’t’ do it deliberately and it wasn’t my fault (anymore than it was my own parents fault for passing it down to me) But every time I see either of my girls struggling with their mental health I can’t help but feel really, really guilty. No parent ever wants to see their children suffer with anything let alone something that they more than likely have because of me. The guilt eats away at me.
As for me… as I mentioned earlier I’m finding it hard to function. I can’t seem to concentrate on any one thing right now. My thoughts are all kind of jumbled together so just doing everyday chores is a bit difficult right now. I go to the grocery store but can’t seem to concentrate on what I need to buy and get it all wrong. I make myself a list everyday of what needs to get done. Simple things like laundry… call the doctors… pay the bills…. Make meals… But my mind just isn’t cooperating and I can’t seem to do these things. This is when I find it hard living alone. If I was married I would have a spouse to take care of the stuff that needs doing. But I don’t have anyone. So I really have to push myself and work hard to keep things going. I don’t think I’m explaining this very well. Basically, being very depressed paralyzes you. You get stuck in the “Black Fog’. Your brain seems to shut down. You just can’t function.
I got a call from the Trellis Mental Health facility that my Doctor had put me on a list for (under urgent apparently due to my lack of ability to function properly right now) They said to call them back and I will have to do a 20 minute “intake” Then I will be assessed and called back and told what will happen next. I will be assigned a psychiatrist (finally) and whatever other help or support they feel I will need to help me get better. I got this call on Friday. I still haven’t called them back and it’s already Wednesday night. (This being a perfect example of needing to get something done that’s important but can’t seem to pull myself together enough to accomplish it ~ Honestly, in the past few weeks, having my shower everyday is my big accomplishment. )
But I’m not giving up. I am pushing really hard to keep going. I want to get better and I know that I am the only one who can make that happen. (OK, with the help of doctors and medication too) Tomorrow is another day. And each day I push through is an accomplishment right? So, tomorrow I will get up early and drive to Newmarket so I can visit with M******* in hospital. She needs me right now and I have to do all I can to make sure I’m there for her.
When I get this overwhelmed with life it’s best not to look at the big picture. I just need to take one day at a time and the future will take care of itself.
Coffee Confessions 