I guess some people were meant to be alone

I awoke early this morning . I didn’t need to. Game day was yesterday so I was able to sleep in today. But lately I have not been sleeping much at all. So even though I have nothing to look forward to today, I dragged myself out of bed and made coffee. As I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror while washing my face I could see how much I have deteriorated. I have lost so much weight that my face is starting to look gaunt. And I have dark circles under my eyes now that weren’t there before. Surprisingly I don’t have many wrinkles but the state of my skin shows the stress I have been living under. I just don’t look healthy at all. I don’t even smile anymore which is something I used to do with such ease. I miss my old life.

I reminisce on this Easter long weekend. I can remember how this use to be such a family time for me. Weeks before the Sunday I would take a trip to Walmart and buy my girls their Easter dresses and even splurge on new little shoes to go with them. Some years their Nana would buy them each a hat as well. I would hang the dresses up to keep them pristine until Easter Sunday. Then the girls and I (never their father) would dress up and go to Church. My parents would be there and they would beam with pride at their two little granddaughters. My Dad would literally take them from me and show them off to everyone. I was always so happy I could do this for my parents as none of the other grandchildren went to Church. And after Church there would be a dinner at Mom and dads. A big turkey dinner with all the trimmings. Sometimes it was just my family and my parents. but some years my brothers came with their kids too. I always enjoyed these times. I really loved being a Mom and doing these things with my girls. BUT,…. life can change in an instant as mine did. And suddenly my girls were gone and I was on my own,… no more Easters. Or Thanksgivings,… or Christmases with the family again. It was all over for me. THEY all continued the family holiday get togethers. I was just never invited or included anymore. It broke my heart. So today I sit here sadly remembering all the great times. But that’s all I have had since is the memory,…. and I have spent most holidays alone ever since.

Now I am packing. Putting more stuff in boxes. I was such a hardship to have in my family so I want to be as little a burden in my death as possible. I will have all my belongings packed away in boxes ready to be removed from this apartment when I’m gone. They can just back up to a dumpster and throw it all in. They can dust off their hands and be done with me,… Now they no longer even need to pretend they cared. Now they can say “…isn’t that sad how she lost herself.” but the one I know will be said that will piss me the fuck off is”…I wish we had known had badly off she was because we would have helped,…” Make no mistake ~ EVERYONE WHO SHOULD KNOW,… KNOWS . But they have all used the excuse that I am mentally ill and impossible to live with and therefore they had to “self-care” to protect themselves from me. NOT ONE OF THEM changed their stubborn opinion and reached out to help. NOT ONE. I was still the ‘cruel’ mentally mother they couldn’t be around. And after my death that is what will be said.

BULLSHIT ~ It’s Easter. Either one of my daughters could have gotten in touch and said “…. family is family and lets just forgive and forget and move on…” My cousin john did,… why can’t my girls?? Family is about being together even if it’s hard. But apparently I must be a monster becasuse not one of them reached out.

I still have not met my grand daughter. In fact,… i was never even told she was born. i don’t know how much she weighed or the story of her birth. i was completely left out like I was stranger. THAT devastated me and I have never been the same since. I lost my spirit that day. I lost my reason to live that day. But I hung on in the hopes that an olive branch would be extended but it never was. And now I realize it never will. If there was a chance it would have been when I was hit by the car. But Hayley blew it off like it was nothing and not serious at all and Michelle never even heard about it I guess. But if it was going to happen,… it would have been then. They are not coming back. I am on my own forever.

So on top of packing I have completed my will and now it just needs signing.

My life has been such a sad and lonely disappointment. I cry at what could have been

Suicide and/or euthanasia

I happened to be looking out the window when I saw **** come back home. He is the gentleman in our building who tried to end his life by jumping off the balcony. I really like this man. And seeing him be brought into the building by two people from his family broke my heart. And I’ll tell you why,…

This man had literally had enough and needed to end his life. He is in his late 90’s and is alone. I totally get where he is coming from as I am there myself. And this is what I mean by I will never ask for help. Because this is a man who could not bear one more day on this planet. Probably because of his situation. Living alone in THIS social housing building. People rarely visit him. I honestly don’t know how he managed as he refused all help from us to cook and clean for him. Like me,… he has pride and if he couldn’t’ do it himself then it was time to go. I feel EXACTLY the same way. So he, too,… was at his end.

But THIS is how society helps. Instead of letting him end his life. RELIEF. (Medical assistance in dying) as he is well into his 90’s. He had a good long life by all accounts so I don’t believe he has anything left to do. He is tired and done. GIVE HIM THE RELIEF he was requesting. But no,… our society is so against euthanasia and suicide that we would rather watch our struggling try and cope instead. We would rather FIX THEM MENTALLY than see the real problem. (poverty,… loneliness,…) He is NOT mentally ill ~ but he was thrown into a psychiatric hospital for over a month. Because society can’t offer him what he needed. (relief from his pain and boredom and inability to cope on his own anymore) they called him MENTALLY ILL and threw him in a mental asylum. Today he was released and came home. But let me ask you,… what did the hospital stay do for him? Absolutely nothing but humiliate him for his wanting to die and tell him he was WRONG to want it and then subject him to being told he is mentally ill and needs therapy. The man is NOT mentally ill and he does NOT need therapy. He just was exhausted mentally and physically and needed to end it. THAT is not mentally ill. But that is all our society can offer us in poverty. Because they can’t give us a REAL solution they lock us up and tell us we are mentally ill for trying to hurt ourselves.

We are so far behind the times. Other countries like Europe have whole systems in place for people like me and the gentleman in my building whom I just spoke of. They don’t call these folks mentally ill at all. They listen to their life and then they help them. Whether it be through help and assistance where it’s needed or they allow euthanasia in a very humane way. But Canada would rather watch people struggle in pain and poverty. I am a very firm believer that every human being that has a life of suffering they no longer wish to endure should be given the right to end their life humanely with help from the medical community. We do this so passionately for our pets. But we let our human loved ones suffer year after year. I don’t understand this other than maybe the powers that be just don’t believe our lives could be this hard and strenuous and difficult and exhausting because THEIR lives are not. Maybe they just don’t believe us? (Maybe they don’t care,…) What you don’t live you can’t understand. But maybe it’s time society gave more credit to the people asking for euthanasia. This is not a decision I have taken lightly. You can read this blog and see it’s been years I have been unhappy and physically unable to cope. But I have had to jump through hoops to get understanding at all. Even then they would not accept me into their MAiDs physical criteria. I wasn’t sick enough. Which disgusted me. DISGUSTED ME. WHO is the GOD who decides who is sick enough and who isn’t. No one has that right. Not our government or our society. I say after years of abuse (which is what my life feels like) I should have the right to end my pain and suffering. And it disgusts me that when I ask for this I not only get refused because my pain isn’t painful enough (???) I get thrown into a mental hospital. Canada lives like we are in the Victorian age when it comes to euthanasia. THEY CAN’T DO IT because they THINK and BELIEVE it is wrong,… but THEY don’t have to live in misery and pain and poverty,… do they???? No THEY get lives of privilege.

Growing up I used to be so proud to be a Canadian. My family travelled Canada extensively when I was a child. In later years I travelled the world myself and always wore a Canadian flag with PRIDE. I used to think we had one of the best Countries in the world. But then I lost the use of my body and my country threw me away. And now that I can’t cope on this BELOW THE POVERTY LINE wage of $1308 a month. It’s too hard on my body. It is physically too much to continue on. But my Country ~ who put me here in the first place ~ won’t allow me the sweet relief of DEATH. They want to force me to continue on in misery. They refuse to pay me enough to live but they also refuse me the legal right to die.

I have been an honest law-abiding tax paying citizen in this Country for 60 years. but when I need help,… Canada forsake me,…

Fuck you Canada. You can’t keep me here. No one can. I am the only person who has the right to decide if life is too much for me anymore. No t YOU,… Not anyone,…. JUST ME.

So I will be taking a taxi to Guelph in the next few weeks with one thing on my mind. Acquiring a fatal dose of fentanyl.

Canada,…. you should be ashamed for the way you treat your disabled.

“…and don’t we all know it,…”

I have been in bed for the past few days. I just can’t seem to get up anymore. Here we are on yet another holiday weekend. Easter. And I am again alone,… I promised myself after last Christmas I would never spend one more holiday alone,… but here I am,… so maybe it’s time,…

I need help. But I can’t ask for any. I don’t know how to explain this without sounding resentful or ungrateful But here goes,… I don’t ask for help anymore from individuals because as gracious and kind as they seem when they offer it,… it almost always comes back to haunt me. For example,… my sister-in-law to the world looks like your most charming lovely woman of all time. To me she is a pampered spoiled princess but apparently only I can see that. Her and I both have fibromyalgia but she has always has my brother to TAKE CARE OF HER. That’s the big difference,… she never fell down here because my brother has an excellent job and makes over $100,000 a year and he takes care of her hand and foot, I only say this because I want to point out that they live a very privileged life. Two cars,… two holidays a year,… and everything their hearts desire. A HUGE beautiful home with a pool. I mean their life is ideal. I’m not knocking that as my brother worked VERY HARD all his life to achieve that. And I’m not jealous of that,… he deserves every penny he earned. My brother is a hard working guy. But his wife runs them. I never once asked for a thing from my brother. If they offered me something (a dinner out a bbq a swim in their pool, etc,..) I accepted. But I NEVER, EVER asked. I never once asked or accepted money. I was raised you don’t ask,… it’s RUDE to ask,…

But you can’t keep up with people like this. They have disposable money that allowed them to go out and do whatever they wanted. I was NOT in this position. At the time I was not on ODSP so I was making a bit more each month than I am now but not much. Up until I went on ODSP I brought in $1800.00 a month. Not a lot but livable. I was content enough. Now as you know I struggle on $1308 which is IMPOSSIBLE to live on. So i could just about get by doing stuff to keep me happy. But they paid if we went for lunch of dinner. I was always appreciative. I always thanked them, But when her and I fell out,… and we had that,.. I was going to say heart to heart but looking back I can see that was a set up and she came over with a plan and she carried it out and she let me know exactly what she thought of me that day. And one of the things she said ~ and I have mentioned this before on this blog ~ that really hurt me was whenI said I can’t afford to do that,… SHE replied in a very exasperated voice,… ” and don’t we all know it,…” She was summoning up how she felt the whole time she knew me. She was resentful of having to pay every time we went out. That’s actually ok. If she didn’t want to pay for me then she shouldn’t have smiled sweetly and told me she enjoyed our lunches out every once in awhile. She should have not INVITED ME. To invite me and then turn around and be resentful is very hurtful.

And I’ll tell you why this one comment “,…and don’t we all know it,…” has been so destructive. Becasue that taught me to NEVER ASK FOR HELP from anyone ever again. And I haven’t. I refuse to put myself back in that situation. It wasn’t the first time I have had generosity thrown in my face but I have made it so it will be the last. I would rather starve and go without than have some Happy Shiny Person offer me help and then turn around and make fe feel like a “USER” sometime down the road. They keep their generosity like a score. They keep score. And they always let you know they were kind and I accepted. In other words,… It always gets thrown back in my face” so I never ask for help now. NEVER. They come to you with a smile and a genuine character. but the minute they get upset with you they throw that generosity back in your face and let you know that THEY OWN YOU and you wouldn’t have those nice dinners and lunches without them,…

So I don’t care how sweet you are and how genuine you seem,… I still just can’t ask for help. because I know that maybe not today or tomorrow or even next month,… but someday it will get thrown back in my face. By the way,.. this sweet lovely woman everyone loves is the same woman who put in my head that I was responsible for the loss of my twin sons because I jumped a fence while pregnant. She has to bring it up 25 years later just to make me feel bad. But SHE is the lovely character everyone loves and I am the mentally ill monster,….

So knowing I can’t even ask for help I give up. I have the date planned I just need the fentanyl.

I told you I would never spend one more fucking holiday alone,… and I won’t,…..

I can’t even get toothpaste

The Occupational Therapist came on Wednesday with my new walker. I was grateful for that as my old one got hit by a car the same as I did and after a good inspection it was found to have a lot of things broken on it so I ended up needing a new one. Then the woman started with a bed rail,.. which didn’t quite fit my bed right so I would have to go out and buy a piece of wood to secure it better. And before I knew it a lift-chair was being discussed. I was getting overwhelmed and couldn’t cope with it all. I just wanted to know what a “good fit chair’ would be for me as the lounge chair I have now is not good for me and actually causes me pain. I just thought they could tell me the best “kind” of chair I would need. I mentioned this because I was thinking IF (after the case) I get a bit of money I will look into a new chair that is better suited for someone my size and more friendly for people with fibromyalgia. But before I realized it they were looking into these expensive lift chairs for me now. I appreciated the help,…but,…..

Now this is all very well and good. FINALLY getting someone in here to help make my life easier. but here’s the problem. Theres no point. I have a house built on stilts that is ready to tumble. And now I have people coming in wanting to decorate my creaky house. They want to put paint over cracked walls and add furniture to a floor that is unstable. I guess what I’m trying to say is,… they can’t see where I need the REAL help.

This morning in order to brush my teeth I had to cut the tube in half and put my toothpaste bristles inside just to get the last wad of toothpaste. My kitchen is down to a few days left of food. I am housebound and can’t get anything myself right now without a ride. But I don’t even have money for a taxi. So again I sit here as I have so often done in the past,… wondering how I am going to get the things I need to survive.

So you see,… I don’t NEED a lift chair or a bed rail or a bathtub mat nearly as much as I need FOOD and basic supplies. Everyone is so helpful with the ‘decorating’ of my life. But I have no one to help with the main structure. The foundation. The thing that HOLDS THE HOUSE TOGETHER to keep it from crumbling down. There’s no use for decorating and accessories if the house is broken and will just fall down. I need FOOD,… I need to get transportation to get me to places to get food,…. I need money for this transportation. I USED to walk to the grocery store with a big Tupperware container and put all my groceries in that on top of my walker and walk it home. Very awkward and hard work. It always wore me out. But now,… I am not even capable of doing that.

So NO,… I don’t need lift chairs and bed rails,,,, I need basic fucking needs like FOOD. But more importantly then food is the ability to GET IT!

I am HOUSEBOUND.

So I phoned and CANCELLED my Occupational Therapist. I don’t see the point in wasting money on bed rails and lift chairs if I can’t even get out of my own home to get food. I am now brushing my teeth by dipping my brush into mouth wash. Until I can figure out how to get to Walmart to get my months worth of groceries and supplies. I refuse to USE friends,… not that I have any to use – just one. But they are my friend not my taxi service.

The world is great at helping with the little things,… but I will fucking starve by the time I get to use them. I need money to hire a care giver to do all these things for me. I can’t even make my own bed right now. I need HELP. But that kind of help will never be available to me. I can have all the walkers and bedrails I like,… I just can’t get food and basic needs.

I am now a housebound disabled person with no help.

So I continue on with my quest to end this sad fucking life. When you have to sit here and stress on how to get toothpaste,… to physically WORK just to get food. I’m too tired for that,… I am too fucking tired to drag a walker piled up with groceries home. THAT is too hard for me to do now,… I need help. But THAT kind of help is NEVER COMING.

No doctor,… I still can’t feel my arm and desperately need a complete physical. But that too is never coming,…

Nope,… I feel with my whole being that I just need to end it all. There is no life in poverty and pain and loneliness. Time to find some fentanyl,… because I’m too fucking tired to FIGHT just for the little things anymore. I shouldn’t need to have to jump through hoops just for toothpaste,…

Time to end it. I don’t even have the heart or spirit to write anymore,… I am just sadly done,….

Roll on a big fat juicy hit of fentanyl,…. RELIEF

Now all I need is the fentanyl

It’s 2:30 in the morning and I am sitting here despondent. I look around me. This apartment is pathetic. There is nothing on the walls anymore. Just the holes in the wall where the nail used to be where something used to hang. It leaves them looking old and rundown. Most of my belongings have been packed away. In the hopes of finding somewhere else to live. But as I look around I know there never will be a place to move,… I don’t even ALMOST have enough money to get out of this shit-hole. My apartment is the most depressing place to be. I hate it here and refuse to live here any longer. This in not a home,… and I am very unhappy here. In fact living here has literally made me sick. I will not put myself through it anymore.

Once your down here,… you can never get back up there,…. you are now white trailer trash that no one cares about.

If I had fentanyl right now I would not be alive by morning. But I don’t have any so I now have to rethink my future. Future,… that’s a laugh. I have no future. My future is pain,… poverty,… and just enough money to allow me to breath ~ exist ~ but not live. That’s not a future,… that’s a life sentence. One that I will not allow to happen.

I will no longer live this way.

I am so done with the struggle. And as I look around at this sorry site of what is suppose to be my home,… it just depresses me and makes me want to scream.

I hate my life,…. and it’s my choice to end it. No one can force a person to live this misery unless their a cold-hearted person. If YOU have what you need and then you are going to try and stop me dying???? Then your a cunt,…. All I’m doing is ending the suffering. If anyone can watch me live this life and then try and stop me ending it? You have no fucking empathy to what suffering really is. because I am not living,… I am suffering,…. and I will no longer suffer anymore,….

Fuck this world. My life has been nothing but a fucking disappointment and I no longer wish to continue,… Now all I need is the fentanyl,….

I would rather die than live like this anymore

My Irish temper has calmed down but my position remains the same. I am 60 now. A time when people are starting to have medical issues plague them. Not just aches and pains anymore,… now the big stuff arrives. The heart conditions,… the cancer,… the tumours,… the Parkinson’s,… the MS,… I worked in a medical clinic. I know the care you need as a senior.

But with no doctor,… no transportation,… no money,… every time I need medical attention I am going to have to jump through hoops to do it. I’m too tired right now. I have no energy and I just don’t have it in me to call non-stop for an appointment. (which after half an hour I didn’t get so gave up) and then figure out a way to get there if I eventually DO get an appointment. I have no money for a taxi and at present cannot cross the road to walk there. So I gave up. Too much work for me right now. I am exhausted

And it’s only going to get worse from here on in with no doctor. As a senior I need a complete physical. There are things going on that need to be checked. But I’m already being told when I go to the walk-in I’m only going to be able to tell them ONE complaint with each visit. And more issues will have to be dealt with at another appointment. More often than not I can’t even get an appointment and in the end I just forget it and cope on my own. And what I need now is extensive care. I’m not going to go into my symptoms but something is definitely different and wrong with my body right now. I need a complete physical with a complete drug workup but where can I go to get that? I’ll tell you where,… you have to wait until your problem is BAD ~ acute ~ and then you can go for emergency care where all the tests will be given. (But usually by this time the problem is extensive and sometimes it’s too late) You have to wait until your problem is in crisis. And THEN your taken into care by ambulance. That seems to be my only care lately. When I am brought into hospital by ambulance.

This is not care. I have fallen through the cracks and I am not getting the medical care I need right now.

And for me – at the age of 60 – I just feel too tired to bother. Twenty years ago I might have had that in me but now? I don’t. Which brings me right back to a future of not having what I need. Food,…. money,… and health care. And now is the time I need it most.

So nope,… I will not bother. If I get sick with an arm that I can’t feel anymore? Then it gets left like that. I just don’t care anymore what happens to me. It’s going to completely fuck up my physio now as they have no diagnosis and therefore can’t proceed. They won’t manipulate something they don’t know what is wrong with. You can do more damage than good. So I guess it all stops here.

But I don’t even care. I just don’t care anymore. There’s nothing positive left in my life anymore anyway so just let me die and get some relief from this misery. Death will be my doctor and death will be my relief,…

Again,… thank you Ontario and Canada for fucking up our health care system so badly. Your government is just not made for people in poverty. If you live in middle class,… then Canada is a wonderful country. But if your disabled,…. expect to get thrown to the curb and forgotten about,… because this country does not care about their less fortunate. We are of no use to them and in that thread they can even say we are just a drain on the system. Why waste money on us???? THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT THE DISABLED in this country at all.

I am worth $1308 a month. Rent STARTS at $1500,…. they don’t even see the problem,…. or if they do they just don’t care,….

I’m not going to suffer in their society that forgets about the poor. If I don’t have what I need? Then I bow out and die,…. I am no longer going to jump through hoops for basic needs.

Not jumping through hoops anymore

I am so frustrated right now I am in tears. I have not felt my arm in almost a week. I NEED MEDICAL HELP. But I have done nothing but sit here trying to get through to the walk-in but it is constantly busy. I don’t have a family doctor.

I can’t feel my fucking arm

So I have two choices. I can leave it. Which is what I’m doing or I can sit int he emergency department wasting everyone’s time for the next 8 to 10 hours JUST TO GET CARE.

So fuck it,… this is what I mean by having to jump through hoops for a basic need. A walk -in to serve EVERYONE and you can’t even get through to make an anppointment

So fuck it,… I will just let my arm die. I’m so fucking angry right now I just want to end it all. Getting medical help should not be this hard and I now I just cant be fucking bothered . I hope its an aneurism and I fucking die.

I’m that fed up of never getting basic fucking needs. I’m not sitting in an er for 8 hours – I physically can not bear to sit that long anyway,…

This province has gone to shit,…..

I need to cross the damn road

I slept last night. It is the first good nights sleep I have had in weeks. I actually awoke this morning feeling somewhat refreshed. When I opened my eyes I instantly saw the Manchester United jersey hanging on my bedroom door. I broke into a smile. I do love my football and I certainly love my team. To see that shirt and know it’s mine just makes me happy. I still don’t know who sent it to me. I’m hoping in time that will change. I would LOVE to be able to thank them. But in the meantime I will just enjoy it. They are playing in the FA cup semi-final on April 21st and you better believe I will be sat front row center wearing with pride my new Manchester United jersey cheering them on!

I had someone from my lawyers office come for an appointment yesterday. He agrees with me that the most important thing to take care of right now is my arm and hands. I still have pins and needles and numbness in my arms. So today I have to get myself to the walk-in clinic once again. But this time I am not suppose to leave until I have gotten a referral to get this arm checked. I hate having to make appointments. Not having a car I have to either walk or get a friend or take a taxi. Now this is going to sound ridiculous,…. but,… I can’t walk because I still have not been able to cross the street yet. The accident was February 7th – nearly two months ago! It’s not a conscious fear I feel. It’s more like I am avoiding it. I have run out of toothpaste and desperately need to get to the grocery store as my fridge and pantry are nearly empty. But every time I think about standing at the intersection waiting to cross,… I suddenly decide I don’t really need to go and I stay home. I know I have to cross that street eventually. I can’t do anything unless I do. Every store and amenity is across the street. I HAVE to suck it up and cross the damn street. But so far,…. I just can’t,… every time i try all I see is a big white car not stopping and plowing me down,….

So that leaves a friend or a taxi. I hate using friends. They are my friends – not my taxi service – and I don’t want them to think I am a burden. So maybe I’ll just suck it up and take a taxi today and get across the street to Walmart for groceries and the walk-in. I am quite disappointed in myself that I am so afraid to face a stupid intersection and cross the damn road,.. The weather is good,…. my pain level normal…. so today would be the ideal day to try,… but,…

My cousin J**n has reached out to me. This is a big deal as he is the ONLY (dna) family I have left other than my children. And we all know my children don’t want me so really he is all I have. It’s just not good timing as I am not at my best right now. I don’t think I’m up to big heart to hearts and everything. I am numb and empty and don’t even know if I have the capacity to even love anymore. I have been alone for so long. I have been isolated away from the world for so long I don’t even feel normal anymore. I am afraid to socialize with people now. I don’t fit in,… I am very different than everyone else. I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I am just so afraid of reaching out and then saying or doing something that will have them turn around and abandon me. I could not take one more person leaving,… So instead I just sit here alone. Isolating,… protecting my heart. I am just so far gone that I don’t know if I could ever be ‘normal’ again,… I feel awkward and out of place in social settings now. I just want to blend into the landscape rather than talk to people. I just don’t like it anymore,… I guess I’m a fragile little kitten right now,… 😦 curling up and hiding from the world.

But someone sent me a Man U jersey,….

I realize it is an oxy moron to want to both live and die. But here I am sitting on the proverbial fence once again straddling both options. Last week I was so certain. The weight of poverty and living in this building had taken their toll. But as they often do in my life, things change. My life is fluid ~ rising and dipping ~ mostly only dipping ~ but definitely changing all the time. This is due in part to mental illness. But my situation also plays a big part on how I cope. Stress and mental illness (unmedicated mental illness) don’t go together well. Little things are amplified.

The past few weeks have really been a struggle mentally. You only have to read this blog to see how up and down my thinking and emotions have been. Being alone has been the worst. Not having family. It is deeply lonely. And this effects you in every way. Even to the point of not thinking life is worth living. Everyone likes to know there is someone out there who cares what happens to you. And I have reached a point where no one would even realize anything had happened to me if something did. Because I am not in anyone’s life anymore. And this was weighing on me heavily over the past month. I have been struggling with the emptiness of it all.

But every time I come to my bottom something happens. Being a (recovering) addict I know that every rock bottom you hit is not going to be your last or deepest. There’s always more room to fall. And each time I think I have hit my bottom and need to just give up and end it ~ a little thing happens. And it makes me pause,…

Today a package arrived by courier – not mail. I knew that I had not ordered anything but looking down at this white package I clearly saw my name and address. Hmmm. I opened the package and nearly went into shock. There – wrapped in white tissue paper – was a shirt. The bold red showing through the thin paper. Catching a glimpse of the familiar Man U logo on a tag, I knew what it was but still couldn’t believe. I unwrapped it to see I was holding an authentic Manchester United home jersey. Not a knock off,… not a vintage from years gone by,… but a genuine 2024 season shirt. I wept!! Like Jesus rising from the tomb on the third day wept,… I don’t cry often. But seeing this coveted shirt that I have longed for shocked me. I cried. But who sent it? I can’t remember if it was mentioned that I was a Manchester United fan in the Daily mail article. I’ll have to go back and read it. If I did then I can guess it was sent by someone who read the article. The reporter who did the story did ask for my address as someone had request it. (It was sent from England). But if it wasn’t mentioned in the article then it would have to be someone closer to home who already knew I was a Man U supporter. But whoever it was,… the timing was impeccable. How can I feel so unloved if someone has taken the time and the effort and the obvious cost to do this for me. For ME! To me that equals want and care. How can I now turn around and say there’s no reason to live. I know it’s only a shirt. Although I hesitate to say JUST a shirt as to me it’s much more than that. But someone out there CARED. Maybe that’s fate. Is this a flicker of hope for me to hang on? I sit on the fence confused. On one hand life is such an exhausting struggle,… but on the other how can I not see that people have reached out which means they care.

I flip flop back and forth. I’m so deeply unhappy living here but I know there is no way of moving anywhere else,… and knowing I have to stay here depresses me. I can’t see having any kind of a quality life here that I have to isolate away and hide. And I know I can’t take much more of this poverty. It has stolen my spirit and left me empty. In other words,… I really don’t see a quality future for me. But someone sent me a Man U jersey,… surly that means something?

And this is mental illness. Life is difficult to navigate right now. I’m quite confused and conflicted. My situation won’t allow me to live a good life but my soul,… my soul still seems to have a small flicker still alive in there. Do I let go and find relief from the grind? Or do I hang on and take that little flicker and turn it into hope? My head is messy right now. Undecisive. My emotions are raw and deep. My heart is hurt and my whole being is lonely,…. And on top of it all I am tired. Deeply exhausted physically and mentally. What do you do with that?

But someone sent me a Man U jersey,….

Abandoned

My fear of abandonment was instilled in me as a baby. A neglectful mother and an absent father left me having to cope myself. Through therapy I have learned that I am a hard one to trust because as a baby I learned to soothe myself. I learned that if I needed something I had to figure out a way to get that need myself. There weren’t always a warm set of arms to pick me up when I was in need. From the children’s aid biography of my first year of life I spent most of it being dumped on other people who didn’t want to have to look after me. I learned to self soothe,…. I learned NOT TO NEED PEOPLE. I learned you can’t trust or count on anyone. I learned to retreat inside myself and isolate and hide away from the world.

It was not an easy way to live. I could never have normal relationships. With anyone. i was always sure they would leave. And in the end my fear turned into prophesy. There is an old saying “You reap what you fear,…” and that certainly came true for me. The more I feared I would be abandoned,… the more I pushed everyone away. You can’t get hurt if they’re not in your life. All my life I did what was a natural instinct to me. I put up walls and never let anyone in. Now,… everyone is gone and I am alone. My fear,… of being alone,… came true.

ABANDONED

It is so hard to reach out when you get stung if you do. I am so fragile right now. I don’t think I could take getting estranged from one more person. Better to roll down the blinds and shut the curtains over them. Lock the door and climb in bed and hide away in your cocoon. No one can hurt you here,… but no one can love you either,….